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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/index_sid-208b9951a87fb40dcf9cd3618e28c000_start-2035.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:14 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blog 50 |
Im a bit shaky today... Long Blog, I will paraphrase: Who am I in the scheme of things. Why am I so alone all the time. Misunderstood all the time. Im a decent person, yet, I have no real friends. Nothing. Its very difficult and strange. I know the intellectual answers, thats not what Im asking. I am afraid of rejection from people, simply because they have the power. No one has to accept me or like me. Because of this stress, I stay in a controlled dream world, a safer place. A more lonely place. The answer is God and courage and letting go of the outcome. I cannot control others. Nor can I afford to get involved with individuals or groups if they flake on me all the time. I have to learn to get my needs met from God and help others... I feel so worthless to the world, like I have no value... I have been reaching out lately. I have been doing what Ive said Im going to do. It is hard, terrifying. It is stressful. I have not gotten rejected yet. I have made new acquaintance. They come and go, I am not of there most important thoughts. One has to let go of the outcome, keep plugging away at it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Blog 50 Dealing with others: Some of the girls in my meetings look "O" so Yummy! I know when girls like me. They start show'n up around me. I know how girls are... YEt I get intimidated. They look so good... I was just fantasizing about them, Now their staring me down.. And so young, not all, not that it matters. Everything is legal, but its close... Girls are girls, older girl-women are still women-girls. ( is this real or fantasy, as the Queen song would say). I don't know what people think of me. Until I do, Im dreaming or guessing or fantasizing, Nothing more. When I ask someone out, I will know. Im to immature to date.. Im not at that point. The mental illness took its toll on me, especially dealing with maturity and relationships... The PTSD is what Im married to, or martyred , murdered to. I want all those girls, yet Im afraid. Im afraid they will know Im thinking bad things. Women have power over me, Im not sure how to describe it. They hypnotize me... Im taken by them. Im left floating like a soap flake. Man must approach a women. He has to... Man has to build status and attraction.. He must, or no go. I will practice saying hello, Just saying hello and leaving. Im so close to doing this. Im still to dissociative. Im getting better. Im getting closer. So close. Its about being afraid of rejection. Yet, Im finding the girls, other people are scared just like me. Scared of this life. They just put up such a big act.. It scares me, the rejection front they put on. Im wondering why I should bother to play this game if they are dishonest to start with. Its all confusing for me... I guess a person takes their chances. Its that simple. When I stop being a puss, things will get better, Ill get some action.. Im scared to death about the porn... Im not sure. its not the porn, its the girls reactions to it. Not just "it", but more then "it". Her reactions to allot of things that may not make sense to a normal girl. Im frightened that I will frighten her away... more, that I would have to change. HMmm..... I want my cave... Its mine. Its safe.. Biggest problems: My apartment is a working art of destruction. I can evaluate my mental condition on my apartments condition. Usually when my apartment is thrashed, it means Im going through mental tribulation. I cannot react to things, or interact to things. I am not present. I do not control it. I cant control it. I cannot will myself into a new way of thinking. My thinking is plagued by the atrocities I saw, witnessed and was ran through,. different forms of torture leave their marks, they have left me crippled. My mind is weak, very weak. Its a good mind, a nice mind. Well, that all depends on who is occupying... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:41 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blog 49 |
I was at a meeting tonight, Im always assessing my condition when around others. Specifically around others in close proximity. How many people are in the room? I had a very good assessment of things tonight! 1. Still, great problems when physically close to people. Well, I can sit by them, interacting with them is a problem. If anyone is none accepting of me or aggressive I shut down dissociatively. Im a bit stronger then I used to be. I would mention as well, that people dealing with such severities as dissociative disorder, agoraphobia, avoidance anxiety, depression learn the hard way to fake it through things as best as possible. This may be a loosing proposition, yet one attempts it. Things are better now. Im stronger, and healing. 2. The room in general: Tonight, around 40 people crowded into a large upper room of an old brick church. I found a seat in the back, makes it easier to track people. I need to track people to feel safe. Lots of visual and audio noise.. I was OK.. 3. Personal contact: this is a great problem as I give off defensive signals when people are smiling at me to say hello. Im freaked so Im not friendly. I smile that none trusting look smile. Or I hesitate around people giving off a signal of mistrust to others. It hurts. Im used to it. Its what I go through to get the recovery I need. And slowly I get the recovery I need. I am healing. --------------------- General condition" not bad.... considering... 1. Dealing with severe PTSD more then dissociation at this point. THis is a huge thing... 2. Not passing out anymore when switching personalities.. However, Im switching personalities. Its wild. Ive gone through 6 different personalities with different memory systems in the last several days. Each personality has its strong points and memory systems that I had not remembered. Yet, each personality was missing something from the other fragmented personalities. So each personality was incomplete. ITs like falling into slots. Each personalty would fall into the correct slot for an allotted amount of time. Then would move on. The next personality would jump into that vacant slot and taker over for its allotted time. And on and on it goes.. after 6 different personalities coming and going, Im exhausted from it.. Im OK. This is a healing experience. No Passing out. that is the great thing. This was done in the open. I would change on the spot into another part of me. I could watch it happening.. Its a very strange and unique thing to go through. Well, Im not allowed to be present at that extreme moment of change. Very close tho. I am improving , I am healing... Social avoidance anxiety plays a huge roll in my social expression ineptness. As I come back together, this is very subtly fading. Ever in very small increments, I am getting better. Im healing ------------------- I am the nicest guy in the world. Thats what I used to be. I was a major target as well. I was ruined and destroyed because of my innocence. I was simply brutally raped, murdered tortured and abandoned in 100 different ways, and permanently thrown away for ever.. From ritualistic abuse when I was small, to more sophisticated humiliations of social forced isolation when older, either way, Ive died a thousand deaths... However, at this point. Im back.!!! ----------------------------- FACE-BOOK: I said I would never go back to that ######6 place ever again. I hate Facebook and the whole concept of a pseudo human plastic reality experience. All of those false friends that want to be my friends. All of those popular people in my high school that could care less who I was, Now, flaunting their pictures in front of me, wanting me to contact them that they gain social status and positioning by one more rank-mark on the FB checkerboard. No Thanks, it makes me sick... The last time I was on face book, I closed off my account. I ended up with three friends, people I thought... [ Continued ] |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:46 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | blog 48 |
Im doing better. Im feeling better about myself. Im still extremely dysfunctional. Its a bit of a let -down. I was hoping for more. My symptoms are still very alive. Its hard. When Im at the computer and feel safe at home, I assume all will be improved around people in uncontrolled situations. I feel I will be safe. This does not happen. Its sad Im looking for continued progress in my music experience. I feel like Im trapped on a desert island. In my mind I imagine safety, to be in a world that I could function. The outside world is not the world in my head. A backward world, that is what I see. A world that will eat me, like a cobra eating grammar dinner at an adverb party. Life feels like one long dysfunctional isolated introduction. No one knows who I am, what Im worth. To die in obscurity. Does it have to be this way... To be judged on shallow grounds: The goal is to sweep the legs out from under thee. To be chased by the pirate ship. Is this it; this disparaging arrangement! Social issues are a balloon that is flying away... out of control. The small world I live in is to small. ITs made for a child. I cant get out. To be misunderstood and disliked. To be feared as a bad object or bad toy by others of privilege. To be in there world, not my world. To be in a world where I have been given a break. Granting me audience with their presence. ------------------------------- Its funny how I try and write that I communicate how I feel, instead of just saying whats really going on. Im afraid of the outside world. Its all to much for me. I feel weak and stupid. I feel fine sitting, hiding at my computer. Im on an origami make shift Japanese cushion thing in the corner of the room.. Its a safe place to crawl into and hide. I am disabled. I don't like it. My nervous system cannot take the outside world. The last round I had turned me into a Schizophrenic.. The rest of the world, does not understand me. In this case, I think its legitimate to bitch about the fact that Im not understood. Im not trying to put the weight on others, However, Im not understood. Im a foreigner in my own land. I don't fit in. Im to real, to much on speaking about what I see and how I feel. I want to tell the world what I see and truths that are rolling around in my head. I was never meant to sell widgets to people... I feel people are privileged and protected and have no appreciation for it.. I have no idea how to cope with privileged people, I want to run from them. I was popular once a long time ago. I got hurt. That is all that came of it. Hurt and abandonment. I learned my lessons in the most horrible way. I was treated horribly. I will never go through that again. I see the world through a monitor screen, through a TV shows of the 1960's. Anything more real then that and I parish in sadness and confusion. I was meant for unreality. Unreality is the only place I can be the real me.. |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Thu Apr 05, 2012 10:07 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blog 47 |
Societies murder people like me. The rich, killing children for power and money Status and social positioning " look at me".. Look who I am"... These people have lost there way... Greed filled.. The human experience means nothing to them... Nothing... Being an honest person is a blessed curse. Life expectancy can be short. People have to much on one side of the weigh machine, and not enough on the other Children are false front images; objects used to intensify the family lie. People think someone owes them.. And they are going to collect They want my attention to play the game. One has to play one position, one has to play the other. What if I don't play the game. I will say what ever I want to say.. ---- I could take the rope, hang myself. I am the type of person that society wants to throw away... I haven't forgotten that. I need to be safe in my own back yard. I am not safe in the middle of the world.. Its like a bunch of ants crawling on you, over you, through you, all day long... I remember the kind of person I am.. This society has killed 10s of thousands of people like me. I am someone that questions the system... All of these murderers.. The times Ive loved, Ive loved with all of my heart. I am a genuine person. My love for others has meant nothing! I was thrown away for status. I was thrown away before I got started. no one remembers me. No one wants to.. God knows me, talks to me, loves me, remembers me, is my friend. He is the only one. Other then God, I am alone. The anxiety disorder is still working and alive and well. Its like an electric fence. I cannot go where I want to go... I see "It", before I see the rest of my mind. I see "it" before I see any of the outside world. My mind is to weak to be functional. I switch personalities and become suicidal. Im awake when I switch. I haven't passed out for a long while. I am not from the middle class, I am from the psychiatric class. I am an artist at the moment. I am so much more. I am to weak to participate. |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sun Apr 01, 2012 12:11 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | blog 46 |
I am unclear as to what to say today. I suppose I will talk about the enemy at the gate (i.e. those that love to hate). Haters want to get close.. the burning sensations they seek to inflict are a match lit that dissolves the skin quick. Ever a chance to maneuver, Like a washing machine? a vacuum, like a Hoover. It feels like a maneuver. Its a maneuver when I pretend to believe they want me to leave. That, although Im alive, Im alive to seek them, through them, Ill be me. Ill be free, Ill be alive. Really, I believe, the whole thing is not true. I believe its a lie. Its unclear what they want. they tell me so fast, like talking to a rat. go here, go there, I never see them coming, for sure they don't care. I am to them a valueless commodity vocabular. Honesty means nothing. A shiny car and gasoline will go further then being alive. A show of filth falseness and lies. After being Jacked for the 30th time, Why is this a surprise. At some-point I have to ask myself; Whats my role in all of this. What did they do, how do I feel made sick. Why did my body go in a direction to find a false casting fishing real. No fish on the line, again! Yet, you told me the fishing boat captain was your friend.. I think he's dead. I think Im dead.. I could have stayed home and never found out. No answer to the equation... At-least at home Id be safe to write about, the time I had an adventure. I answered the door to find a girl scout. I bought the cooky and changed her mind... She said there was no change so give me no crime... I shut the door and ran upstairs. Into bed I crept, hallucinating about a lawn chair and dental care bill she kept. My therapist told me I wasn't a human, I was a polar bear. I slept. Practicing everyday is so hard. The insecure delusion of a marked increase of delivery separates me from the common man.. I would rather trek a steep mountain, then walk backwards up stairs and stare at my hands. It has paid off. In the long run I see. I can recognize a distant peace that calls my name off the sea of deceased. A lonely audacity. a glimpse past the edge shadows. at 6 its mighty quick.. My feelings are struggling to cross the river stix. In the end, I am finally well enough to create my music. Finality time. Produce to mix... |
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