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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1007)
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- August 2019
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am

Im blaming myself for being attacked by a sociopath; Im playing the victim and its costing me; its attracting sociopaths; their coming out of the walls to get me. Im playing passive aggressive and its back firing; I thought it would keep the sociopaths away from me; instead its attracting them. Im being forced to leave where Im at because of it. Will this ever stop. I keep wanting to blame myself for their actions. But I wont get up and leave.
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Im trying to fight against them with passive aggression and its not working; in reality; I would rather not know them; Im trying to recover around them and they are discovering me. Im found out. and Im scared and want to run; I freeze from being frightened of them. I don't know what to do; " help"; I don't know who to call for help.
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Help Help Help... thats all I can say about it... Help!!! Where do I get off this train. someone stop the train so I can get off.
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I see in black n white thinking like theirs nothing else I can do; just black and white thinking; so; Ive got a trauma bond; its a remake of the past all over again. Im reliving everything from my past all over again and Im not sure what to do about it.
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Im around group of people that are not policed.... so; one learns to get tough; but I haven't been trough about anything; not tough enough.
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I have been developing in my recovery; and I need to continue.... Im doing OKe. Im trying to build my presence back... my life.. my boundaries.
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I have to keep working at things; not give up; keep going at it... not throw in the towel. Its hard when I don't win; I keep trying to win against the sociopaths and I loose. when will I ever wake up and stop gambling with them; I want to spit in their face and I cant; Im to chicken; Im not man enough and they know this and see that Im a coward and scared and then they attack me... And I get scared and feel scared...
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They call my bluff...
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I don't want to get pulled into a fight.... I don't want to get at their level.....
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Im not the only one going through it; other people are being bothered by the same people; but I feel paralyzed to do anything about it; I might as well be molested; thats the way it feels; like someone can touch my body without my permission....
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So; its a reenactment of the past all over again; and my manhood crumbles because of it and no one else is protecting me.. No one... and I hate this; it reminds me of being thrown way.
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I want to put my foot down; but if I do; Im giving into these sociopaths. and Im not going to do that; Im not going respond; Ill leave instead...
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I have to be able to leave; Im trying trying to make my home in a nest of thieves; basically because I feel safer around them then the middle class people in neighborhoods that judge me and try to destroy me according to my economics....
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It seems like Ive got no place I can call my own or my home. So; I have to keep going; keep working with the universe for an answer to this.. an answer to a home...
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Ive noticed later; every sociopath in the world showing up around me; they are showing up when Im showing up; but Im avoiding them for the most part; but right now; their coming out of the seems; Im not protected; Im wondering where God is...
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Im wondering where God has been my whole life; I don't get it; I had a nice life for a little while when a child; but then it was taken away from me; stripped and I was dumped; what do I do now.
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I was used by people before. what do I do now...
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Where do I go...
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So; Im in the middle of no mans land; Ive got 12 step meetings that I go to; I don't have much else accept writing. I don't know anyone else; and the universe; doesn't seem to be bringing me anyone else. However, I have discovered a few things; the world is all around me; Im not open to it. but that is because Im worth more...

[ Continued ]

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Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am

Im right at the edge; Im building up. Im getting all my flying equipment; Im working with the universe and seeing what direction will be given to me to unfold. Im a little kid depending on the adult who driving this bus... So far; the adult has been mindless and driving us in circles in the same forest for 50 years. So; Im wanting to go somewhere new. So; I must be part of the show for this to happen; but Im still scared from the past and that the bad people are their and their going to get me again... what they did to me; taking full control of me and making me a hostage ; like a piece a meat or a captive in my own country. And I have to keep talking about that until Im released from the dissociation of it. I go into dissociation at the core of this; flash backs; and I scream in pain from them; agony... Horrible. And I want to get through that lower level of flashbacks and dissociation. I get triggered so deeply; in so much pain...
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Im working on it; or its working me; it takes over my mind completely; stuffs me in; like being stuffed in an oven.
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Horrible; horrifying..
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How will I work through this; its a nightmare i want to wake up from and be at home again; but theirs no home; I was stripped of my home; so I can never wake up; thats what the psychopaths were hoping for; complete annihilation of an innocent human being. And it was completed; but the psychopath does not understand the universe or God or source energy or Jesus; or anything spiritual; they know nothing of such things or the way the world really works; the energy that keeps it alive and growing; So; I grew back; over a long covert course of time; Im still in the process; in many cases Im still trying to stabilized through abusive years of over the top horror; that drown me in fear terror and trauma; leaving me a human cripple.
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I have to work through; " human cripple" and become present to the child in me; thats the goal; the child of 4 to 9 years old; and continue from that place; and its already happened. In fact; many things have occurred that make me identical to the 9 year old in 1970; and thats a good thing; the things I; what I was doing as a child; but I've got hundreds more to learn if Im going to re establish my beginning identity. In fact; Im starting to naturally do them again and the opportunity for them continues to show up; As if God is putting those opportunities in front of me as I take a first interest in them; I take an interest with my heart committed and suddenly out of know where; an opportunities shows up; And it continues to show up.
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Here is a strange example of things showing up lately; altho this was not from my childhood or related to my childhood.; It was from the universe connecting with the child in me; a manifestation; not a direct manifestation; well; I dont know what it is; but I do; its the 12 year old in me; he's focusing on new things to connect to; now that he has more personal power from the past.
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Eminem; the rap artist. Out of nowhere; I wanted to listen to him; I was drawn to his music to his personality. And Ive never looked back; its been on full since; about 3 months. Don't know where it came from; but its internal... He is alive in me; one might say; as an artist. Don't know what happened; just happened. And suddenly Im biking down the street; several miles from home. I look down and their it is; a broken Eminem CD; And I had been thinking about him all day; I took the CD; took it home; washed it off; put it on the wall as an LOA souvenir next to a flute; another LOA souvenir..... He seems to be playing some importance in my life right now. I don't know. He's not the first; Their have been a few other celebs that caught my soul; or my soul caught caught up in them or what they were about or the music they were creating; God thing; I guess its a learning thing...
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Im mellowing out just going through the gap....

[ Continued ]

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A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am

As my mind continues to get stronger; I begin to see it first of things in my mind; in mind I see it; glances of it. feelings of it; moments of it; but also the pain. the pain of having one parent turn on me and want to destroyed me from the day Im born; then the other; both; and going me up and sending me to a rapist and child molester and satanist.... And I no one; Im thrown away. and can never go back; that was their goal. But it didn't work that way; They are Godless and lawless...
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What do I see in my mind; Im seeing and feeling the good things about my childhood that I created. The football games I attended with friends; and that I had friends; later they would betray me. And later others would betray me or act like they had never met me; like I was a loser; but I was no loser; I was destroyed and no one wanted me around; instead of helping me; they turned on me... And tried to get rid of me; or turn me into something bad; and this gave them the right to ostracize me.

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OKE: into the present; Parts of me want to wake up; but their is no support accept the neighborhood I came from; the actually physical place; and the memories of being buried alive by those who were suppose to love me; It gets hard now; it one thing to forgive; but to move on; Im feeling the effects of what they did; its so horrible. Im trying to move out of the limited beliefs i have; Im hitting walls of hard pain; its very very bad.. Im working toward it; I feel like Im an 8 year old struggling to get better and I need my parents to help support me; but it was my parents who did this in the first place; so great amounts of pain are brought up; its over the top pain; its horrible; and then I feel the refenge; its so huge; more then huge.. horrible.
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Im working out of it; Im trying to come out of the deep end of things back to the top of things and back to being me; but Ive got to have something; anything to look back on as a support; something; anything; and their is nothing; Im being used by everyone. Its horrible; but the primary people that are suppose to help in a childs life; they are all using me; no one to stand on or with; nothing; and this is a killer trying to crawl out of this.
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in my mind and feel it; I begin to allow myself to enjoy the dream in my mind; I begin to allow myself to look at what feels good; or; I begin to allow the right to look at it and appreciate it. I begin to allow myself to look at it; or the child to look at it; for the child lost it; lost all of it. I saw the world as an immoral place; and if it was to treat me immorally; I would not participate within it; and for years I did not. However, at some time I was loosing my life. For those who can accept it; My life was a giant psychological hunger strike; and at other times; a forced real hunger strike of poverty and the streets from homelessness. I went through my homeless period; that was fun; certainly I jest unless you think being always close to death is fun; its no fun...
I remember the winter; the cold; the great freezer; it was like living in a supermarket meat locker with a pitched tent and no coat... Its a scary deal. One learns to respect the great freezer; the winter; for it never leaves; 24 hours a day; and it can kill; especially if you have to live out in it.
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My mind is having remarkable changes; its coming back into alignment; its not very strong; but its healing and allowing good things to show up within its imagination. Its vulnerable; sensitive; like a newly created giraffe.
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Im allowing things in my imagination from the innocent child in me; this suggests the child in me feels safe; feels he has a chance to live. I had nothing before. The world was over whelming for me. My mind shut down; my soul and nervous system shut down; I had nothing. And when I say this; I see my mothers control and Im reacting to that control.
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Im free of my mother again; Im free...

[ Continued ]

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moving into know mans land (positive); and then through

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm

So; Im moving forward; the goal is to shore up the gap; can that be done; yes; Ive done this before. Ive shored up gaps before; is this a normal size gap; no; its a long wide gap; very wide; and it requires much or several changes in the middle of no mans land. Ill change 2 or three times during the gap procedure. up and down; rebuilt or take inventory; build up; move forward. all of these movements are things I would have done when young; very young; thats why its scary and sickening; it reminds me of a death trap that was laid before me.... It is truly scary and unnerving. Im being taken into a place and time zone of my own death; The child in me gets ansi and can feel it; However, the child is seeing other things the child is grieving the loss of the time and the natural timing of a life taken away. I had a natural development as a human being. The timing was right; I was a kid; and I was developing in my right time; However, later full neglect then destroyed; So; Im remembering and seeing the life; a life with all hopes and dreams snuffed out. Now; the goal is to keep at this; let all feelings and memories process and stay strait.
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Ill talk about it.
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Heres an example of a goal of shoring up the gap.
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As a boy I went on summer vacation and remembered the whole thing these days; or allot of it; feeling it; not quit their yet. ;
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Im 6 years old in my fantasy; Because I was destroyed at a later date; when Im older; I cant remember or I am not allowed to remember those vacations.. as an adult; or even as a teen; I had to shut everything out. Im blocked from them. So; now I can remember them but not much more; with work and getting familiar with those memories ill remember more.
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In my imagination in the present; I get a girlfriend; we drive up to the vacation spot and have our own bran-new vacation at that same place; Its new; Im new; I get to relive my past and have a girlfriend at at the same...
And is that enough; almost? What was I doing when young; what was I doing at that vacation; Lets see; comic books; mad magazines. pinball machine and pool -table at the local store. boating with a small outboard boat. drawing and making pictures. reading science fiction. And making models. And visiting the girls around the area. But since I have a women with me; that takes care of that part.
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Ok; so; Ive got telescopes, rc remote rock crawlers, art stuff; but that has to be developed first until no resistance; I have to learn to finish what I start. I have science fiction books; but that has to be re developed until their is no resistance to reading them. Models; Im just now getting back into plastic model building again; cant wait; and I have to finish this first model; and I mean finish it that it be done well or terrific and complete. I mean what I say; to feel safe all the way through and finish it; finishing it is very important. And maybe do more; but I need this first one done; it will tie me back to my childhood; a continuation of my childhood.
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Tee shirts; like when young; I know what this means....
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looz- weight; get down to my normal weight.
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My girlfriend will be Asian...
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rock collecting
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Fishing with a basic reel set up. Something simple.
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Sandles..
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The key is to remember what I was doing as a child; O yes; bicycles...
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And an outdoor fire or marshmallows or something.
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The point is; I was doing things; working on things; at that age. Building things.
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Guitar...
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The point is to do those things right now; guitar, drawing, models, clay, rc remote rockcrawler, mountain biking, art... comic books. Do them all and work through the breaks within them; and now Im starting to see it.
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Cart toons;
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Everything I was doing at that age; all of it... Haunted house stories..
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Horror movies;
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im trying to remember; swimming.
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Other things; if I can remember; Flipper TV show; star...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 11 times

The Gap

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm

I wrote this last night and a solution has appeared...
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The universe is giving a solution. And the solution is to hang around my old neighborhood and ride my bike around my old house; my neighborhood house; over n over n over until I get used to the neighborhood as if I live their. Im to ride round the neighborhood; not be stupid about it; I don't live their; but I am to ride through their allot; get used to the place; see it over n over n over; do it until I can come and go like crazy; because the only thing that is missing is me in my old house; the rest of it is open. I can walk the neighborhood or ride a bike through it as many times as I like.
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Next; understand; their are no relatives left in my life or needed; on any side; and no brothers; no mother and no father, and no best friend down the street; can this be done; its already done. its been done for a long time. My mother is the only one left; in the sense of importance; all others have been deflated; she is of importance as her role as a psychopath. And the universe is teaching me how to be safe knowing Im here; and the psychopath is somewhere else; its a psychological thing. The universe is teaching the small child in me; Im am " here"; the psychopath is somewhere else. Im am safe " here"; The psychopath in my heart in mind is somewhere else. And the universe is teaching me how to work this out.
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Im also seeing my mother the way I saw her as very young; innocent like; like a normal mother; and Im seeing that version; so; I have to see her as well; the normal version and grieve her but keep her around in my imagination until I grow out of her and naturally let her go; knowing I don't need her anymore.
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As for bullies of that time period; Ill have to work that out with the universe and in writing my new stories.
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Other areas of concern or interest; what about the things I did in this neighborhood as a kid? or going swimming or rock hunting and other things; how will the universe duplicate this. We will see. what about skiing?
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What about the intricate relationships with the relatives; all the times I would visit them and spend time at they ranch; No GO; they are finished; it is history that was never suppose to be; I simply lucked out at those moments and got to spend summers and other time periods visiting them as if they were strangers; their hospitality and the freedom to roam around the ranches; the building and the place is whats important; not the people; Only the remembrance of my Indian cousin; that is important; nothing else about the places. Nothing. And I got to experience that; and those are authentic experiences and thats good; what is not good; the times I came with my dad who was never wanted their in the first place. We were never family with those people; but I never knew this at the time; we were never wanted their. At other times; they allowed myself as a child; to stay for a week on their ranch because I was a child; I was 8 year old. My grandfather on that side of the family allowed it; but in reality; he didn't do much else for us ever. so forget him for good; all of them... in many ways they were murder's; they murdered indirectly my cousin Tina; and directly as for as Im concerned.
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So; the relatives on the ranch are out of the picture; I had my ranch experience; they were not who they claimed to be; or I thought they were to be; they had no business in my life; but the ranch was an added bonus to visit. and it is done; so they are not needed; not to much grieving for them; it has already been done. They do not need to have been in my life; not necessary.
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What about young school developments; I will have to take this to the universe; meeting friends and meeting girls and going to peoples houses; parties; birthday parties. And I have to grieve these things to get them back; all the experiences I mist. All the schooling events...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 16 times

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