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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1007)
- August 2019
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am

Im blaming myself for being attacked by a sociopath; Im playing the victim and its costing me; its attracting sociopaths; their coming out of the walls to get me. Im playing passive aggressive and its back firing; I thought it would keep the sociopaths away from me; instead its attracting them. Im being forced to leave where Im at because of it. Will this ever stop. I keep wanting to blame myself for their actions. But I wont get up and leave.
Im trying to fight against them with passive aggression and its not working; in reality; I would rather not know them; Im trying to recover around them and they are discovering me. Im found out. and Im scared and want to run; I freeze from being frightened of them. I don't know what to do; " help"; I don't know who to call for help.
Help Help Help... thats all I can say about it... Help!!! Where do I get off this train. someone stop the train so I can get off.
I see in black n white thinking like theirs nothing else I can do; just black and white thinking; so; Ive got a trauma bond; its a remake of the past all over again. Im reliving everything from my past all over again and Im not sure what to do about it.
Im around group of people that are not policed.... so; one learns to get tough; but I haven't been trough about anything; not tough enough.
I have been developing in my recovery; and I need to continue.... Im doing OKe. Im trying to build my presence back... my life.. my boundaries.
I have to keep working at things; not give up; keep going at it... not throw in the towel. Its hard when I don't win; I keep trying to win against the sociopaths and I loose. when will I ever wake up and stop gambling with them; I want to spit in their face and I cant; Im to chicken; Im not man enough and they know this and see that Im a coward and scared and then they attack me... And I get scared and feel scared...
They call my bluff...
I don't want to get pulled into a fight.... I don't want to get at their level.....
Im not the only one going through it; other people are being bothered by the same people; but I feel paralyzed to do anything about it; I might as well be molested; thats the way it feels; like someone can touch my body without my permission....
So; its a reenactment of the past all over again; and my manhood crumbles because of it and no one else is protecting me.. No one... and I hate this; it reminds me of being thrown way.
I want to put my foot down; but if I do; Im giving into these sociopaths. and Im not going to do that; Im not going respond; Ill leave instead...
I have to be able to leave; Im trying trying to make my home in a nest of thieves; basically because I feel safer around them then the middle class people in neighborhoods that judge me and try to destroy me according to my economics....
It seems like Ive got no place I can call my own or my home. So; I have to keep going; keep working with the universe for an answer to this.. an answer to a home...


Ive noticed later; every sociopath in the world showing up around me; they are showing up when Im showing up; but Im avoiding them for the most part; but right now; their coming out of the seems; Im not protected; Im wondering where God is...
Im wondering where God has been my whole life; I don't get it; I had a nice life for a little while when a child; but then it was taken away from me; stripped and I was dumped; what do I do now.
I was used by people before. what do I do now...
Where do I go...
So; Im in the middle of no mans land; Ive got 12 step meetings that I go to; I don't have much else accept writing. I don't know anyone else; and the universe; doesn't seem to be bringing me anyone else. However, I have discovered a few things; the world is all around me; Im not open to it. but that is because Im worth more...

[ Continued ]

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Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am

Im right at the edge; Im building up. Im getting all my flying equipment; Im working with the universe and seeing what direction will be given to me to unfold. Im a little kid depending on the adult who driving this bus... So far; the adult has been mindless and driving us in circles in the same forest for 50 years. So; Im wanting to go somewhere new. So; I must be part of the show for this to happen; but Im still scared from the past and that the bad people are their and their going to get me again... what they did to me; taking full control of me and making me a hostage ; like a piece a meat or a captive in my own country. And I have to keep talking about that until Im released from the dissociation of it. I go into dissociation at the core of this; flash backs; and I scream in pain from them; agony... Horrible. And I want to get through that lower level of flashbacks and dissociation. I get triggered so deeply; in so much pain...
Im working on it; or its working me; it takes over my mind completely; stuffs me in; like being stuffed in an oven.
Horrible; horrifying..
How will I work through this; its a nightmare i want to wake up from and be at home again; but theirs no home; I was stripped of my home; so I can never wake up; thats what the psychopaths were hoping for; complete annihilation of an innocent human being. And it was completed; but the psychopath does not understand the universe or God or source energy or Jesus; or anything spiritual; they know nothing of such things or the way the world really works; the energy that keeps it alive and growing; So; I grew back; over a long covert course of time; Im still in the process; in many cases Im still trying to stabilized through abusive years of over the top horror; that drown me in fear terror and trauma; leaving me a human cripple.
I have to work through; " human cripple" and become present to the child in me; thats the goal; the child of 4 to 9 years old; and continue from that place; and its already happened. In fact; many things have occurred that make me identical to the 9 year old in 1970; and thats a good thing; the things I; what I was doing as a child; but I've got hundreds more to learn if Im going to re establish my beginning identity. In fact; Im starting to naturally do them again and the opportunity for them continues to show up; As if God is putting those opportunities in front of me as I take a first interest in them; I take an interest with my heart committed and suddenly out of know where; an opportunities shows up; And it continues to show up.

Here is a strange example of things showing up lately; altho this was not from my childhood or related to my childhood.; It was from the universe connecting with the child in me; a manifestation; not a direct manifestation; well; I dont know what it is; but I do; its the 12 year old in me; he's focusing on new things to connect to; now that he has more personal power from the past.

Eminem; the rap artist. Out of nowhere; I wanted to listen to him; I was drawn to his music to his personality. And Ive never looked back; its been on full since; about 3 months. Don't know where it came from; but its internal... He is alive in me; one might say; as an artist. Don't know what happened; just happened. And suddenly Im biking down the street; several miles from home. I look down and their it is; a broken Eminem CD; And I had been thinking about him all day; I took the CD; took it home; washed it off; put it on the wall as an LOA souvenir next to a flute; another LOA souvenir..... He seems to be playing some importance in my life right now. I don't know. He's not the first; Their have been a few other celebs that caught my soul; or my soul caught caught up in them or what they were about or the music they were creating; God thing; I guess its a learning thing...
Im mellowing out just going through the gap....

[ Continued ]

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A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am

As my mind continues to get stronger; I begin to see it first of things in my mind; in mind I see it; glances of it. feelings of it; moments of it; but also the pain. the pain of having one parent turn on me and want to destroyed me from the day Im born; then the other; both; and going me up and sending me to a rapist and child molester and satanist.... And I no one; Im thrown away. and can never go back; that was their goal. But it didn't work that way; They are Godless and lawless...
What do I see in my mind; Im seeing and feeling the good things about my childhood that I created. The football games I attended with friends; and that I had friends; later they would betray me. And later others would betray me or act like they had never met me; like I was a loser; but I was no loser; I was destroyed and no one wanted me around; instead of helping me; they turned on me... And tried to get rid of me; or turn me into something bad; and this gave them the right to ostracize me.

OKE: into the present; Parts of me want to wake up; but their is no support accept the neighborhood I came from; the actually physical place; and the memories of being buried alive by those who were suppose to love me; It gets hard now; it one thing to forgive; but to move on; Im feeling the effects of what they did; its so horrible. Im trying to move out of the limited beliefs i have; Im hitting walls of hard pain; its very very bad.. Im working toward it; I feel like Im an 8 year old struggling to get better and I need my parents to help support me; but it was my parents who did this in the first place; so great amounts of pain are brought up; its over the top pain; its horrible; and then I feel the refenge; its so huge; more then huge.. horrible.
Im working out of it; Im trying to come out of the deep end of things back to the top of things and back to being me; but Ive got to have something; anything to look back on as a support; something; anything; and their is nothing; Im being used by everyone. Its horrible; but the primary people that are suppose to help in a childs life; they are all using me; no one to stand on or with; nothing; and this is a killer trying to crawl out of this.
in my mind and feel it; I begin to allow myself to enjoy the dream in my mind; I begin to allow myself to look at what feels good; or; I begin to allow the right to look at it and appreciate it. I begin to allow myself to look at it; or the child to look at it; for the child lost it; lost all of it. I saw the world as an immoral place; and if it was to treat me immorally; I would not participate within it; and for years I did not. However, at some time I was loosing my life. For those who can accept it; My life was a giant psychological hunger strike; and at other times; a forced real hunger strike of poverty and the streets from homelessness. I went through my homeless period; that was fun; certainly I jest unless you think being always close to death is fun; its no fun...
I remember the winter; the cold; the great freezer; it was like living in a supermarket meat locker with a pitched tent and no coat... Its a scary deal. One learns to respect the great freezer; the winter; for it never leaves; 24 hours a day; and it can kill; especially if you have to live out in it.
My mind is having remarkable changes; its coming back into alignment; its not very strong; but its healing and allowing good things to show up within its imagination. Its vulnerable; sensitive; like a newly created giraffe.
Im allowing things in my imagination from the innocent child in me; this suggests the child in me feels safe; feels he has a chance to live. I had nothing before. The world was over whelming for me. My mind shut down; my soul and nervous system shut down; I had nothing. And when I say this; I see my mothers control and Im reacting to that control.
Im free of my mother again; Im free...

[ Continued ]

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moving into know mans land (positive); and then through

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm

So; Im moving forward; the goal is to shore up the gap; can that be done; yes; Ive done this before. Ive shored up gaps before; is this a normal size gap; no; its a long wide gap; very wide; and it requires much or several changes in the middle of no mans land. Ill change 2 or three times during the gap procedure. up and down; rebuilt or take inventory; build up; move forward. all of these movements are things I would have done when young; very young; thats why its scary and sickening; it reminds me of a death trap that was laid before me.... It is truly scary and unnerving. Im being taken into a place and time zone of my own death; The child in me gets ansi and can feel it; However, the child is seeing other things the child is grieving the loss of the time and the natural timing of a life taken away. I had a natural development as a human being. The timing was right; I was a kid; and I was developing in my right time; However, later full neglect then destroyed; So; Im remembering and seeing the life; a life with all hopes and dreams snuffed out. Now; the goal is to keep at this; let all feelings and memories process and stay strait.
Ill talk about it.

Heres an example of a goal of shoring up the gap.
As a boy I went on summer vacation and remembered the whole thing these days; or allot of it; feeling it; not quit their yet. ;
Im 6 years old in my fantasy; Because I was destroyed at a later date; when Im older; I cant remember or I am not allowed to remember those vacations.. as an adult; or even as a teen; I had to shut everything out. Im blocked from them. So; now I can remember them but not much more; with work and getting familiar with those memories ill remember more.
In my imagination in the present; I get a girlfriend; we drive up to the vacation spot and have our own bran-new vacation at that same place; Its new; Im new; I get to relive my past and have a girlfriend at at the same...
And is that enough; almost? What was I doing when young; what was I doing at that vacation; Lets see; comic books; mad magazines. pinball machine and pool -table at the local store. boating with a small outboard boat. drawing and making pictures. reading science fiction. And making models. And visiting the girls around the area. But since I have a women with me; that takes care of that part.
Ok; so; Ive got telescopes, rc remote rock crawlers, art stuff; but that has to be developed first until no resistance; I have to learn to finish what I start. I have science fiction books; but that has to be re developed until their is no resistance to reading them. Models; Im just now getting back into plastic model building again; cant wait; and I have to finish this first model; and I mean finish it that it be done well or terrific and complete. I mean what I say; to feel safe all the way through and finish it; finishing it is very important. And maybe do more; but I need this first one done; it will tie me back to my childhood; a continuation of my childhood.
Tee shirts; like when young; I know what this means....
looz- weight; get down to my normal weight.
My girlfriend will be Asian...
rock collecting
Fishing with a basic reel set up. Something simple.
The key is to remember what I was doing as a child; O yes; bicycles...
And an outdoor fire or marshmallows or something.
The point is; I was doing things; working on things; at that age. Building things.
The point is to do those things right now; guitar, drawing, models, clay, rc remote rockcrawler, mountain biking, art... comic books. Do them all and work through the breaks within them; and now Im starting to see it.
Cart toons;
Everything I was doing at that age; all of it... Haunted house stories..
Horror movies;
im trying to remember; swimming.
Other things; if I can remember; Flipper TV show; star...

[ Continued ]

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The Gap

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm

I wrote this last night and a solution has appeared...
The universe is giving a solution. And the solution is to hang around my old neighborhood and ride my bike around my old house; my neighborhood house; over n over n over until I get used to the neighborhood as if I live their. Im to ride round the neighborhood; not be stupid about it; I don't live their; but I am to ride through their allot; get used to the place; see it over n over n over; do it until I can come and go like crazy; because the only thing that is missing is me in my old house; the rest of it is open. I can walk the neighborhood or ride a bike through it as many times as I like.
Next; understand; their are no relatives left in my life or needed; on any side; and no brothers; no mother and no father, and no best friend down the street; can this be done; its already done. its been done for a long time. My mother is the only one left; in the sense of importance; all others have been deflated; she is of importance as her role as a psychopath. And the universe is teaching me how to be safe knowing Im here; and the psychopath is somewhere else; its a psychological thing. The universe is teaching the small child in me; Im am " here"; the psychopath is somewhere else. Im am safe " here"; The psychopath in my heart in mind is somewhere else. And the universe is teaching me how to work this out.
Im also seeing my mother the way I saw her as very young; innocent like; like a normal mother; and Im seeing that version; so; I have to see her as well; the normal version and grieve her but keep her around in my imagination until I grow out of her and naturally let her go; knowing I don't need her anymore.
As for bullies of that time period; Ill have to work that out with the universe and in writing my new stories.
Other areas of concern or interest; what about the things I did in this neighborhood as a kid? or going swimming or rock hunting and other things; how will the universe duplicate this. We will see. what about skiing?
What about the intricate relationships with the relatives; all the times I would visit them and spend time at they ranch; No GO; they are finished; it is history that was never suppose to be; I simply lucked out at those moments and got to spend summers and other time periods visiting them as if they were strangers; their hospitality and the freedom to roam around the ranches; the building and the place is whats important; not the people; Only the remembrance of my Indian cousin; that is important; nothing else about the places. Nothing. And I got to experience that; and those are authentic experiences and thats good; what is not good; the times I came with my dad who was never wanted their in the first place. We were never family with those people; but I never knew this at the time; we were never wanted their. At other times; they allowed myself as a child; to stay for a week on their ranch because I was a child; I was 8 year old. My grandfather on that side of the family allowed it; but in reality; he didn't do much else for us ever. so forget him for good; all of them... in many ways they were murder's; they murdered indirectly my cousin Tina; and directly as for as Im concerned.
So; the relatives on the ranch are out of the picture; I had my ranch experience; they were not who they claimed to be; or I thought they were to be; they had no business in my life; but the ranch was an added bonus to visit. and it is done; so they are not needed; not to much grieving for them; it has already been done. They do not need to have been in my life; not necessary.
What about young school developments; I will have to take this to the universe; meeting friends and meeting girls and going to peoples houses; parties; birthday parties. And I have to grieve these things to get them back; all the experiences I mist. All the schooling events...

[ Continued ]

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