| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/index_sid-11e82c7f9169ff84a8b5a0afcc9c299f_start-2040.html |
|
| Author: | OMNICELL [ Fri Mar 30, 2012 5:49 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blog 45; Dealing with the middle class |
Now on to the pretty little private school trained Korean girl that said I cant spell, and that my grammar is so bad she wont talk to me until I learn to speak English... ######6 w##re sl#t, stuck up b##ch wh#re, wanna-be-me, upper middle class sl#t bi##ch ######6 d##k s##king b##ch... Is it my fault I have dyslexia... Do these Grammar Nazis really think I give a ###$ how I look to people!, after all Ive been through, after surviving the brutal life Iv'e seen and survived! Now Im suppose to suck up, and worry about social positioning , that I be popular...., ######6 worthless scum sucking waistoids.. That I worry about my "Periods and commas", that the predicate phrase and the double negative be in its proper place!, that the word "there" be properly used... ######6 worthless maggots.. Maybe I don't ######6 care... LA LA LA BOUNCE!! I like the way I write... I will write any way I ######6 want to. I could be less natural about the whole affair. Rules, ###$! I don't feel like it... I think for myself, I create my own type of complex sentence, My own type of conjunctive transitions, clauses, and modifiers... As for spelling; forget it, its to late, at times I can misspell the whole paper. if in a bad mood, I can miss spell the whole world.. Its times like this I want to hide. Hide away from the world and never return to it... It doesn't matter how one writes, it matters whats ya-say.... Yet, in order to have ######6 credibility and to be takn seriously, grammar must be used as a primary communication function. I'llll give them some ######6 function... Right between my ######6 legs... ######6 b##ches... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -----------------------Now on to the other middle class--------------------- When checking for the enemy, It never fails to listen, to observe the damage of the mouth... Some words are worth killing over. The only people I know that can get away with flipping there mouth of is the American Middle class, there social security numbers protect them... Ive never seen anything like this in my life.. Ive never seen a group of people take credit for birth, prosperity, and prolonged death, with no regard to reality or truth... Everything is given to these people, everything! and what do they do with it? Take credit.!? Turn and tear me into pieces...!, Its impossible to deal with them! Its impossible to believe that a group of shallow minded immaturities have survived this long in the world.. Poor Poor foreigners that deal with these people, how can they survive the attack... Im An American citizen... I do not believe I am owed anything just because I feel like someone should owe me... I am aware of places like Burma, North Korea, Cambodia, Syria.. China, And many other countries that create prolonged tragedies for there people. Its heart braking to think the middle class people in my country are cold hearted and ruthless. Its unbelievable! Middle class people are not safe! One will want to kill them after spending less then 10 minutes in the same room.... When one is not in need, how can one talk of tragedy? When one has never really had any real problems, how can one advice someone like myself who has lived in torture, misery, death, and pain! Its a horrible nightmare to live around these arrogant people, yet, Im not completely bitching about it, they make the tax money,they make the world go round... Im not stupid! Never talk to them... Leave them be! The middle class will not set you free.. What scares me? Im heading back to all this middle classism... I have no idea how to defend myself against these people. if it were a war, I could use a flamethrower... It is not a traditional war I fight with these people. It is covert.. They are in control... not me! HELP......... ! Back to civilization? Gods plan!? I'm walking toward the city lights, back from... [ Continued ] |
|
| Author: | OMNICELL [ Wed Mar 28, 2012 4:25 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blog 44 |
On becoming an artist.. Im working on it alone.. The alone part is always the hard part.. Never ever anything other then alone.. it sucks... I love the Hitler Parodies-I love the acting... The expression... ----------------------------------------------------- This has been a very hard psych week... I have dropped away and switched into another personality... I am now slowly coming back... I was another personality this morning in my therapists office.. That didn't go so well... However, I was able to learn more about hidden memories... --------------------------------------------------- My mind is broken into halves.. to different people.. my mind is weak.. very very broken. Very weak.. its hard to participate in any activities for very long.. I dissociate into myself , into my world.. Im learning to except this... My mind is very very weak.. it brakes ... the outside world is to much information... I need a protected world to live in. I was thrown away at an early age. That is all I remember. I am lucky to be alive.. Yet, that is not enough... Im hoping that at some point that will be enough. That knowing Im still alive is all that I will need to be happy... ----------------------------------------------------- On being alone I never wanted it. I just wanted friends.. People that loved me for who I am... I found that I was fooling myself and everyone around me... I found myself in the palaces of the rich... I never questioned it... They thought I was part of it... I was a part of it because I was present... I was never one of them... Who did they think was fooling who.... I found myself in a nest of black widows.. they laughed with me, smiled with me, and wanted to make me one of there own.. Until I fell and could not get up... stranded, I looked back at them... They stood in silence and looked back at me... Talking among themselves, they asked the question... "Who is this... he has fallen... He is not one of us.. We have 8 legs... We do not fall..." One of them whispered to the other " he is not one of us", let us poison him and kill him..." And another " get him out of here, he is not one of us".... over the months and years I was slowly shunned and hated out of those places.. I was not of the financially wealthy.. I was not of the same kind.. not according to those people. There for I was takn , never to be seen again.... I never knew.... I don't attract those kind of swindlers anymore... As my self, an authentic human being, I was despised as if a leper.. Innocence is killed by these kind of people. The family system means nothing... the money and the family system is of one identity.... I was not allowed to be part of that.... I was thrown away... My childhood or innocence had no value... I had no value... I still have value to no one... Its sanity to value people for who they are... When one is rich or of a rich financial community, and the financial prosperity idea is of greater value then the family structural ideal, One does not have to be sane.. One does not have to have ethics.. its not needed. What are the consequences?, their are no consequences... One can get drunk, be rich and act out any way they choose... "Im OK, Your OK.. " this is the motto of those not in need... I didn't know one needed to have a bag of money to qualify before coming through the door.. I thought I was good enough being me.... How naive could I have been... I never knew.. I never knew I was living in the tent of the black widow... They know I have something to say. That is why they spend 90% of the time talking about the missed spelled words. When I have something to say, how fast they interrupt me to play the role of acknowledger or disqualifer, as if I was talking to them personally.. I am never able to get the original idea on the table.. The evil is protected... That is the state of the world. That which... [ Continued ] |
|
| Author: | OMNICELL [ Mon Mar 26, 2012 5:27 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | BloG43 |
breakdowns... patterns, shut downs, meltdown between the Hospital and reality, -------------------------- To many people in control... Intimidation: HAtred... : ----------------------- How do you plan a future... What does it look like to go after a life... IVe had such pain and let down. Morbid recurrences ------------------------ They never ask me anything... Would be nice to have people to talk to... An immature people The study of a real life.. How to have a life that is an adventure.... What does it look like- how is it done. Making money, how is it done for a creative intelligent person. --------------------------------------------------- I do not have success in the work world... I will kill if someone ###$ with me.... I cannot allow other people in absolute authority to get near me... I will butcher them.... Many people cannot kill another human being... I will. I can...... Im not like the other 75%....... When some one ###$ with me the sociopath comes out and wants to have his way.... ------------------------------------------------ Other approaches to the work world... That is what I will be studying. The anxiety disorder destroys the work world from the start.... I cannot control it... I will attempt to look into it... See what I can do.. Im on the computer making beats... Hip hop.. slip away 3 -4 days... alert : I cannot protect Personality switching Anxiety/agoraphobia/PTSD/depression/suicide attacks... My mind is not strong... IT is not mine! Its funny, People tell me to get a job.... Technically I could make a 1000 YouTube videos and make money from the advertisers... |
|
| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:00 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blog 42 |
Ive tried to write this thing 4 times... Just played a drum solo in church... It was not Brian.. It was me... I don't know who I am... I do not have a name... I have a catalog of memories going by... not to many, mainly when I was young, at a very early age in Golden-dale, and when I was with my Grandmother.. Age 11or 12.... I see memories trying to see if someone calls my name.. Im getting strange names... Craig? Im not sure.. I don't have a name... Im not him. Im not brian... That I know for sure... I suck my thumb.. or bite on it... It seems normal to put in my mouth... I feel OK... I think... I remember being the other me around Lance.... I was never Brian when I was around Lance... I was never me around anyone... I was hidden... I looked from beneath.... I remember the memories... the life that was taken from me.... I don't miss it.. it was not real.. if it had been the fantasy I thought it was... Why did no one rescue me? The fantasy was great was it not... I am not fooled by these people or any others... Yet, their was no where to hide. I turn from them, and go where, I do know where.. All is lost.. Now I walk the Plank... I hate all of this... Im not sure what to think... I see memories of when I was molested very young.. Im fighting back, Im being beat up... Very young... ripping and tearing.... I have very small memories of ? I have no name... I have a strength.... I don't care what people think, like Brian does, he cares what people think... I have to fight against my mother... His mother.. Brains mother... Because she was not my mother I never listened to her.... She meant nothing to me.... I did not know her... Nor did I need to or care. The father in the house was a strange bloke.. Always getting into trouble. And unruly character, he was in and out all the time and broke to boot... people have been leaving me... They think Im brian and Im weak... just like dear old mum... It didn't phase me... Nothing does. 12 step people don't look right to me. Something is different... My memory bank is different... Im remembering when I lived with my Grandmother.... the park... The girl that was my girl friend when I was 10 or 11..... seems younger. I wasn't younger... Makes me sick now that I think this family abandon me at such an early age... Horrible... Like they never knew me... The eyes see.. They are seeing... This is me.... Im seeing from sadness, the truth..... The horror... No one came back to rescue me.. I was abandon for ever.... They are still trying to hate me.. Others.... Im not sure ... Im not sure who I am.... I don't function.. Not in the real world, the outside world... I would kill myself first before I would be apart of that... I want to kill myself.... I don't want this anymore.... I feel like Im in 6 dreams... Im in this little apartment... I go to these 12 step meetings... Why.!! Im in this small town... Why!! How did I get here....... Why!! When people at the meeting call me brian , I feel uncomfortable... They don't know brian... They only have seen me... And they don't know me.... I just want to go to sleep for ever... The memories that come with this are causing great anxiety/pain The memories are causing great tragedy, they are changing the face of identity... I am not who I thought I was. When I felt loved I felt OK/I felt safe. When I feel safe I feel better.... When I was a child their were at least 2 of me.... I was hidden watching everything while brian was on the outside. I am his alter/ his other personality/I protect him that I may protect myself. I am appearing as he is not the first.... I am not the only one, their are others. I remember his childhood, he does not, he was not present. I am in great pain.... -------------------------------------------- I want this to pass so I can go back to making hip hop music..... This may be the only way Im forced to deal with and see old memories... I... [ Continued ] |
|
| Author: | OMNICELL [ Tue Mar 20, 2012 5:14 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Blog 41 |
A new sector has opened up in my recovery, The sector of the spider. conquer/conquered vanish I people please to survive. Im waiting... Prejudice Its heart braking to stand up Im trying to start where I was stolen from... Im under attack Im not enough My attacks are more subtle, not less wearing. Do not give what is holy to the dogs... The kindest deeds of the wicked are still cruel.. Do not give ones pearls to pigs and swine lest they trample you under there feet, turn and tear you into pieces... Thugs and thug princesezz... fake... looks --------------------------------------------- Help me, I live in a police state.... marching and smiling... Poor person or soldier With status people die.. worship/shutdown Affluence attack all alone... abandon in a field/silence open dialog... disrespect thug elite... composure Im still not able to say what I need to say.. what I want to say.. Its about having the freedom to speak and grow and learn... To express freely without being shut down... |
|
| All times are UTC | |
Powered by phpBB © 2002, 2006 phpBB Group www.phpbb.com |
|