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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1038)
- January 2020
real changes
   Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:26 pm
   Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:52 pm
S0cialing success and interaction is upon me.
   Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:16 pm

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real changes

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jan 13, 2020 2:26 pm

Real things are going on; moving forward; on n on and getting better about my understanding of how or why I change my thinking.
My goal is success; I take this to the universe. Unfortunately I have a thug mentality; this means I want to be worshipped like a God when I haven't earned it; I pat myself on the back because Ive survived bad things and that qualifies me as a thug; an identity that not everyone can be a part of. However, the real world for thugs is not real; its violence and death and other illegal substances; and those substances can also include bad or evil or violent thinking.... Basically a thug is violence; nothing more; it's an on off switch of street soldier mentality. In my opinion thugs are either complete sociopaths or on drugs; drugs that make them psychopaths or act out in behaviors of psychopaths... or a combination of both.
Heres the problem; do I want to be the top of thug heap and admired; top of the savages; that would feel righteous and good; or do I want allot of money! ITs as simple as that....
What I think when I wake up in the morning will determine what level of vibration Im on for the day. If Im thinking about money; piles of it; vats of it; boxes full of it; and I see it in my head with a favorable opinion; thats what will be brought to me at some point because thats what Im focusing on. Momentum is not strong at first; Im not up to speed; Ive got a journey to experience that brings that vibration up to a high mark and a journey that will close the get; thus; taking me to the money; but if I continue to see money in my head and align my vibration with my inner beings and we are in unison and Im willing to stay at a positive High vibration during the day; Ill soon be presented with opportunities to receive money or a pathways that will lead me to such things; such riches.
My most important and sought after riches?; a good attitude. A good attitude is my number 1# riches; for with a pleasing and prosperous and enthusiastic attitude about any movement; I can go anywhere and do anything and Ill appreciate it and love it; and Im working toward this and it puts a smile on my face and in my heart.... It is my number one goal and it is right with God, with man, with my heart and with me... Its a great thing to work toward...

The work is in the pathways.
My thinking is the problem; when I think about money or something else I want; for a split second I see what I want with a favorable attitude; then suddenly it goes bad; its warped and filled with fear and anger; the thoughts; and suddenly flashbacks and bad thinking of bad people; people who I have resentments for; it all creeps in and weakens my original attempts at focusing on what I want; So; their it is; theirs the problem; my thinking meanders to bad people and places and things and this thinking takes me over and for some reason; I blame you and everyone else because of how Im thinking; its the worlds fault; and this type of attitude is thuggery; Its born of thuggery; giving me a reason to be a thug; but what about the money; who's going to concentrate on the money....
So; when Im at a higher level of feelings; pathways open up around me and will I take the oopporulntity?
How bad do I want the money; have I been focusing on the money or the lack of the money in my life. So; the work is to focus on the money; and if I get bad thoughts popping in; pull out immediately; go general; switch thinking; think about something else. Then go back to the money thoughts; practicing over n over; more n more n more; any negative thoughts that I stray to; get out of them and go general and then go back to the money thoughts and keep at it for the rest of my life. Soon; pathways will open that lead to the money.
The vibration must be strong enough to attract what I want. So; momentum must build; this does not happen at the beginning of my fantasy; it must be built. Over time it becomes...

[ Continued ]

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:52 pm

I was in a meeting and a brother from my original grouping was on the fare side of the room. It hurts; he is my enemy; not my friend. He was never my friend; and I think the core of me always knew that but I didn't.
I always wanted to see my mother and father as the best of people and my brothers; in reality; no brothers; just strangers who were never on my side and still are not.
At the meeting; I went up to the coffee machine and grabbed a cup; he was sitting 6 feet away; I ignored him. That last time; several years ago; I was in his car; he made a suggestion because of my economic situation that I was trash; I immediately went silent; I would never associate with that person ever again; and I haven't... covert is what I would call these type of people; they are not what they seem; its like someone stealing from the bank but smiling to their manager as if everything is on the up n up.
At the meeting I backed away from him; said nothing. later something happened that slighted me from his behavior; I wont go into it... it was an act of passive aggression.... or aggression.... covert; thats the best way to describe him; covert; Im starting to see what he is really like; who he really is; its like looking at a spider; and its the same behavior as the others from that family system; its not a family; I don't know what to call it; psychopathic system that I was unfortunately thrown into...
So; this is no friend; and thats the 6 year old in me being defeated again by these ######6 monsters... And I feel defeated; like they got me again; I must turn to God for help; get on my knees and start over; but they use this family thing against me; thats what monsters do; they have no values... lawless.... So; I have to wake up and see them for what they are and get as fare away from them as possible; but I wont do this until I learn my lesson that they are black widow spiders that bite and the venom will destroy.. I haven't learned my lesson yet... Im trying to; I guess God is trying to wake me up possibly and get my focus within my mind on what I want instead of what Im missing. My mind randomly goes back intimate to different time periods with this family system and I have to learn the hard way to put my mind on something else with value and stop making these people out to have value when they did not have any value; no value... I have to learn the lesson.
And I have to grow up a bit; but be nice to myself and work with the universe and work with others that can help.
The problem is; the innocent child in me wants to look at the surroundings of the past as innocent and nice; but in reality; it was filled with monsters that never liked me the child or me the adult; and that is a horrible horrible horrible thing for me to deal with; its way over the core of my head considering how much dependency I had on those people to survive economically socially; schooling; the whole process of my young life.
As I talk about it and bringing up schooling; I see I put it all in their hands; now I would like to go back in time and re examine what I can do for myself; taking back my own power during those times..
Ive see what these people are like that I came from; the sad horror is; they were never on my side or my friends or cared what happened to me; I was hated but did not notice....
I am not wanted by them; but of course; this is because they have stolen the family money from me; my share.
However, there was no family; the mother in this case is a psychopath and I have no relationship with; and that is hard because I have no come to grips with any of this altho I talk like I have. Im in much denial about what really happened and what I was believing at the time. In other words; I was building a life on top of a satanic mill and never knew until the roof collapsed and I was sucked down inside the furnace and destroyed... Now I'm trying to get out and Im getting knifed...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Jan 12, 2020 1:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter

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S0cialing success and interaction is upon me.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 02, 2020 6:16 pm

Social success and interaction is upon me. Its not all that it is matched up to be; meaning the process; its scary and Im vulnerable and its scary being in a position of vulnerability; I had to deal with it and think fast and I did; and I had success which leads me to more personal interactions with people and more indentations to other people and places and things and events. And the more I open up; the more they want my attention.... and they open up and get more personal...

So; Im in protect mode; Im not shy concerning the case of this writing; I was thrown away from a family system when 7-9; on my way out as the family system was internally being destroyed because it never existed in the first place.
I was innocent and uncorrupted; unfortunately I will be turned into a foster child and thrown away; no one cares if they ever see me again or what happens to me; Im abruptly gotten rid of for good... no questions asked; Its kidnapping is what it is; its the same thing but done covertly in order to be destroyed by others and the community; or the community shuns those that are destroyed. if I had friends; I have them no more and they were bold enough to tell my it was my fault; Im a bad person and deserve it; this coming from the fine established suites n ties and black business dresses walking around who own your local houses and in your local neighborhoods; unbelievable. In my opinion; the whole lot of them are murder's.... all of them; anyone that participates with or accepts the deranged horror's done to children that cause they're permanent disfigurement; or their different forms of death... I remember one place I lived; they treated me as a slave; a second class citizen; actually; they all treated me this way. I had nowhere to go; no home; I had no choice....
Here I am now in recovery; Ive been closed off inside because of dissociative disorder...
In my recovery process Ive also success based thinking; Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; and other books and coaches on the subject.
I have dreams and desires and Im slowly watching them manifest in front of me; thoughts become things; no easy task with long term PTSD CPTSD problems.
Here I am in the present; Ive been working for 4 years on social; that I can come out of isolation and be part of the regular world again; what does this means; its means Im not alone or hanging out with bar hoppers or thugs or D.O.C. recipients at meetings. It all helped; the meeting; but its time to go beyond and go back to the real world...
So; How is this going to work; Im so scared and shut off and shut down and closed in; Im like a walking introverted cave.
Well; Thoughts become things; I have to imagine what I want; and Im fairly good at it; I know how to do it.
One area of social is talking to women; I have a hard time; a very hard time with this; It's scary; but it's scary talking to anyone; its uncomfortable; Im not shy; Im sensitive and have been destroyed before by human beings and I don't trust anyone. Im naturally trying to protect myself from more interactions that will trigger flashbacks and overwhelm my nervous system.
I saw a picture in my head of what I was looking for, 4 years ago; ultimately; it was interacting with others; close up with success; this means seeing them; meeting them; talking to them; but not from a victim point of view but being my real self.

It's not easy; no matter where I go; and I judge others; how they look at me... how they ignore me. How they treat me. I watch and perceive. At times I test the waters; but not so much anymore..
So; Ive been going to allot of events through the 12 step groups I attend; more then Ive ever before. in this last event; New Years; we had karaoke.. I walked into the room with round tables; about 50-60 people. I saw filled tables and felt left out; I headed toward a table free of people. I sat down. I felt less...

[ Continued ]

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I was nothing; and nothing in high school

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 31, 2019 9:27 pm

High school didn't exist for me; I was a throw away completely. I remember when I was alone living with strangers; they didn't want me. I was all alone scared to death; no one wanted me; here I was an intelligent person and I had to go get a job at a chicken place; I never got the job; I just looked at the place horrified; How did I get to this place; why didn't anyone care about me or my future; nothing.
Its horrible all of this. I was thrown away; its a deliberate act of aggression....
So; I have to rise above that period; and look at it and see what I was suppose to be doing and what I wanted and how I would have gone after it; done well in school; went to college; the whole thing was stolen from me; all things were stolen from me and left me in a state of shock; Im still in shock trying to come out of it.
I can see the general ideas of this; a destroyed neglected life; someone else was in charge of. How to I get back on my feet; get back to being someone that does not dislocate in his mind over n over n over but can set higher level goals of liking myself; I've got to get past the passive aggression toward the world and get to a higher plain of existence; that is the work...
Right now; Im locked up in my apartment with nowhere to go but the past; because the past continues to fill my mind; the resentments. I can use emdr online to help. And other things.
Its possible that Im getting closer to stepping out into the real world again and it scares me; I don't have any economics or other things; I think its going to be a repeat of what's happened before or the last time. friends that never stayed my friends and other situations that left me over n over n o ver and no one cared; nothing; just complete abandonment; over n over n over; until I didn't care anymore about anything. and felt worthless and scared and needed to protect myself at all costs. I still need to do this,
Im always trying to find out who I am and what to do. I have some talents but don't care; where am I suppose to use them; I don't feel safe and I don't want to be used. I don't believe in any of this out here in these societies; nothing. Not sure.
I know how to make plans; but I have no destinations.
. .
I could say; Im trying to become an artist; so what? thats what I think; big deal; so now Im an artist; who's got the money for it. All Im doing is kissing up to the person buying the painting or art work. I see nothing positive about it.
So; I have a massive amount of anger and rage and pain and just want to escape.
I was thinking about Witch Mountain the Disney movie when I was a kid; I hid in a lot of movies when I was a kid. I miss that; I don't know why I gave them up or the tv shows I loved; I saw how I wanted to be when I got older; well; after massive abandonment and losing my original house as a kid and life and home town and friends and everything I was thrown away; I never ever got on my feet. I still don't know how. I dont belong to any group; like relatives or anything; I wont claim any of those filth; nothing. Or any friends from that home town; I had no friends; maybe a few guys I knew when young... but other then that; nothing.
I family system; I was thrown away from that; they were pure evil monsters..... pure evil; all of it. So now Im a know where man trying to understand my next move.
I would like a soulmate; but Im thinking; really; with no money; I see how women act these days; they have no respect for anything especially men. Whats the point.
Somethings got to give. I mean; to have more courage in the outside world... something; getting my mind back taking chances in the outside world; something somehow..... something. a purpose.
Im at 12 step meetings; its boring and Im tired of it; its not helping; Im just there because they were not meant to take the place of a full family system. I have to make plans to go after what...

[ Continued ]

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moving from 11 to 14

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 31, 2019 4:40 pm

moving from 11 to 14; meaning; Im stuck or pushing up against adolescence from adolescence developing period. So; what do I do...
Im meandering around in ages 5-8 and 9-11; and I have much more work to do in these situations; and then want to move forward; and thats where the problem is; its hard to face; more facing trauma.
I can see my focus on what I want; not what's missing; thats the key to have purpose and what I have to concentrate on....

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