Im starting to see it; from all my work. Im seeing myself in my neighborhood as a boy; Im seeing myself on my bike ride down the block a few times; Im turning the corner. Its a nice neighborhood. Its quiet... but the thought is; as Im looking at the other houses. What my mother doesn't know wont hurt her. Im starting to make decisions away from my mother; make them on my own. Im seeing myself separate from my mother and step out of that controlled area of my mother and make my own decisions. I can see it; its like Ive ridden out of her grasp. She trying to grasp me but Ive slipped by her hands as I slowly move away; but its not that slow. But then I have a father putting her in her place; the way it aught to be. Her job to nurture; she did not; not without force. But its not her job to control or make me dependent on her by purposely destroying my natural; development off independence to survive. Im starting to see it again; my development from her; its not asleep; I feel safe enough right now to allow myself to see it; Im and ive slipped away from her. ITs a secret; Ive stepped beyond her and dont need her help; Ill take my own chances Thank you; we will just keep this a secret from her.... And keep going.
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So; I see myself making my own decisions; this is very important because this is the type of thinking bullies want to bury and a psychopath mother wants destroyed; they want this kind of independence from them ripped out and they want me dependent again; but this time to destroy all thought patterns of human independence.. They want me broken like a drone.
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Independence;
independence from bullies.
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Bullies took over as soon as my parents left; or left me; destroyed my life and moved on. And that was the end of my protection from parents.. It had already started in the 3rd grade. It had already started before that; actually by the time I was in nursery school it was over but I had attention from nursery school. I remember kindergarten; that was strange place...
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I remember 1srt grade... and it started their; I had to make my own decisions about what I wanted out of life. The kind of people and relationships I wanted. I made immediate mistakes but didnt know it; I ws in first grade; how would or could I know it; I couldn't; a part of life no one could know....
I then ventured outward to build my life. And now I realize; this is a time period one has parents to help them through all those things; I did not have any of it; I was completely alone in many ways; but I spent my time at others homes and learned from their mothers and fathers; the problem was; I was not wanted in those others homes... but I didnt know it. again; no way to know that... to young; I was dealing with filth... and I didnt know what that was because I took my view of life from movies and TV and all the best actors and stars and movies about the way life could be and should be and how exciting it can be... and wanted that for my life and wanted to build it that way. What I did not know; other families had a mother and father help their kids; I did not; I had free time and I was independent and alone. Other people; were in the house; but strangely looking back; I was alone; I rarely saw any of those people and I spent my time at my friends houses and looking back I see I really wasn't around much; whats horrifying about this; that means a 5-9 year old was not around much. What kind of family system does that to a child; death to a child. No one cared. I did come home at times to eat and things. But looking back. No one cared where I was at; maybe my father at times; but not really. I had no idea what was going on. but I learned quickly about my mother from the start and later when she was having problems with my father; she would hide outside in our tree forts.. We would be up in the tree forts... She would hide as if she was this independent individual with no ties to us; nothing; like she was a next door neighbor.. Like she did not know us; she was just using our tree while we were up their. Like she was a perfect stranger we had never met. It was sickening. I knew then and from before that something wasn't right. And I thought; if she got inline with her husband the way a good wife is suppose to; their would be no problems; but she was always getting out of line with her husband. Her job was to get inline with her husband and stay their because her job was to take care of her kids and be a good Mom; she had no there job at that moment; but she would not do this; and it made me sick to my stomach; she was an offense against God; Little did I know just how much of an offense against man and God and normal living this monster was; she was a psychopath like any psychopath; I had no idea. Anyway; thats for another day.
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So; I can see my independence starting up again; However, its a dangerous thing; when I tell others; they can feel me getting out of the box and they want to pull me down into it; so I have to work with God and learn to be wise about who I tell and how I share and who I want to connect with; many jealous people want to destroy my ability to connect to life and they will kill to do so; so I have to be discerning about all this... Because its just like Im 12 years old again and in my family again and back at home again growing again. And I must work with God at this point to imagine Im back home and growing into the next stage.
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Bullies; they must be erased; How do I erase them from my mind; for they take over after my parents leave and they become my parents and Im controlled and pulled down and treated like Im inferior. The goal is erase them and be back in a safe environment like a home. But how can I do that. thats what Im working with God with. God must prove it or show something new; get rid of the old thoughts and bring in the new thoughts of independence and new support.
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The old support
The old support groups were good for general recovery; but its like Im graduating from the 6th grade and moving on. And Im leaving all of them behind; But what takes its place. Ill have to work with God on this; Im in the middle between 6th grade and the remainder of my life; the next level.
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In actual real years of my life; I was taken away into horrible situations and left and had no development; only antisocial development; that was all. And so; no growth; Im now opening that same area up within myself; the goal is to change that environment to an environment that was good for a child to grow in. Nice people, friends,. love, development; schooling. How do I get back their. Thats what Im working with God on right now.
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RIght " BAM" in the middle; Im right in the middle between 6th grade and the rest of my life; And Im alone. What do I mean By alone. I mean; I have the old tapes of a broken life at this point of that time period; So; working with God; what changes... What does it actually look like; thats what Ill be working with God with. Im not sure; ive never gotten this far where I get to start over again. I can strongly see the PTSD... the PTSD of that time period but its running by me like a TV screen but doesn't have the affect on me. I have the ability to change the channel and create a new channel of information to take its place; change the focus; but I must remember; it has the ability too change channels on me and change to another channel of PTSD I cant control because I have no faced yet and that attacks and takes over my mind and Im back into mind warp again.
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However, slowly; I keep battling and willing one past year of my life at a time; slowly working my way back to reality again into new development and into the now....
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EGO injuries or abuse by sociopaths. psychopaths narcissists and abusers...
Im Still around allot of bad people and some of them act up in the recovery process and try to take control if they can see a way to do it; Criminals; and it catches me off guard and causes a kind of spiritual injury; psych injury; It causes fear and anger and terror and hatred; my rights are violated. Its done on purpose by bad people because Im caught with my guard down or I dont know how to defend myself in those situations; I find myself already trapped.
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I want my freedom and want to be able to walk away; so; with freeze mode; I freeze up and get triggered. And I have to remember that as well; it may not be about the person in front of me... It might be around freeze mode. Im freezing up ; fight or flight..
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Anyway; it hurts; its a crushing blow to my ego to be put in my place; I dont like others coming into my space acting like their policing me...
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Friendships with women; havent a clue.
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I havent done it. I mean; I havent had relationships with women. Walking up to them; getting to know them; walking up talking shaking their hands saying lets be friends.. Actually Ive done this but didnt follow through.
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Im not sure they want to actually be friends with me. What are they going to say when I suggest we become friends; are they going to say no. I guess they could; but think about it; are they really friends of mine if I shake their hands and ask to become friends. Would they turn me down...
The point is; after I become friends with them; then what; that scares me. What am I suppose to do then. establish friendships... How do I do that. Ive not had any base in society to feel good enough about myself.
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Can I call them and go do things. I guess. hang out... I havent done that.. Ive never felt good enough to do that because I had no more home. And no one seemed to notice me after that. Who am I suppose to hang out with. I can think of women that wanted to get close to me in the beginning; and now want nothing to do with me; but ive not changed; im still the same person. Meaning; just as valuable; but they have changed; they are now to important to have anything to do with me. But I never established a friendship with them... I never went up and shook their hands... Ill leave all this in Gods time and space and get on with things. Im not sure...
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Friendships with women; becoming friends. That has allot to do with who I know; how I dress; how I act. Who I meet who also knows others... and so on... working with God and seeing who shows up.
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Ive had women I called friends; they violated my soul; I was wrong; I made a mistake; I saw their behavior and needed to get out of their so I stopped talking to them and never went back. And in most cases I was way way way over right; I mean; they turned out to be monsters and I actually still got hurt simply by knowing them and being around them; they always seem to bring pain; because they constantly violated human rights or soul rights... Injuries to my conscious; my pride, my dignity my value my soul; especially my soul; the child within me; my inner being; they walked over him like he wasn't their; raped me spiritually or emotionally; emotional rape. and they do it from the beginning and over n over; lawless; no rules; nothing; unbelievable.
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So; anyway; back to being friends with the right people not the wrong people and how to find out...
Id like to be friends with conservative people but I have no money. But; dealing with women is different; they dont always care. Either way; its about getting my life together doing the things I like to do; finding out what that is; working with God on that and meeting new people...
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As for friends with women; im getting it... But the gap is between the kinds of women I want to meet and where Im at now. A huge big gap; and this is one area Im going to have to learn how to over come and work through; Ill have to trust God; its tuff stuff for me to even talk about it. its killing me right now to write about it. It hurts; its like a place the child in me was put to sleep and hes now waking up and hurt and scared and doesn't want to be hurt anymore.. he was destroyed before... and is now waking up; I want him; when waking up; to wake up to something good; not the horror the forced God to put him to sleep.
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Im trying to bring back with Gods help; the original me from my original house and its possible; is it passible; not yet; its just starting; but its happening; the child from that house is growing on the other side; meaning in the child world; Im the viewer of it; As that child grows; at some point when older; he will integrate with me; it will happen; but not yet. But hes starting to grow and Im starting to remember.
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You know your growing when?__________. You know your growing when you remember the strait ahead memories of everyday life of the past; the tree branches blowing in the wind; the clouds overhead; stuff like that. a car driving by right in front of me and I remember it. Something like that; places me right back their. but places me within my own memories. They are not just in the past. They are mine; they define me. And thats what Im looking for; the ME I remember; the everyday life stuff in front of me; thats what I want to remember.
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So; Ill end this by saying; Im praying for the courage to be under Gods direction.
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Bulling plays a role in not confronting the women that liked me; they were bullies; they wanted me under their thumb. I refused. Someone of them; now looking back; I must have been out of my mind to ever let unsafe people like this in my personal life to begin with; what was I thinking. I wanted someone to take care of me because my ability to think for myself or dream was bullied out of me with fear. And I will have to face that fear and learn to feel safe again in my space and dream again.