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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
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Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
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In the 10th grade and before and after

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 12, 2017 9:00 pm

In the tenth grade; this starts after the 9th grade! The 9th grade saw some beginning growth and interest in a girl; Im living on the coast, I had to move! However, As for the girl; I was innocent and couldn't kiss her; I was 2 shy, and at that moment; it was over! She continued to try and get my attention; and I continued visit her! it was a waist good energy! This went on for a year n a half; in my mind! In hers; I imagine it was over within weeks!
In the school system 9th grade; I was flunking out but popular; very popular; I was a popular kid! I played drums in a rock band with other popular kids and the hot cheerleaders; 2 of them as lead girl singers! I had it going on for about 3 months! after school started, it lasted about 6 months, then fell through! I could not keep it up! I had no schooling! I was flunking in every class and could care less! I wasn't their to go to school; I was their for a vacation from where I was coming from!
I didn't know that the home I was living in was hostile! I had no friends in that home in this new place; it was the home of one of the psychopaths I lived with before! I did not know what this meant! living with this psychopath again. I would learn the hard way! Soon, the world came crashing down! I was a nice innocent kid being completely destroyed!
In the 10th grade, it starts out with a drug overdoes; Im in the hospital! no one cares about me! Id been smoking dope for about a year hard! and other drugs! The drugs were escalating! I finally overdosed the first day or night of 10th grade! The drugs will continue but get less and less! they overdoses are causing problems; my mind is weakened! and Im having mental breakdowns!
I had no schooling and it would get worse! I had no math or english classes! nothing! no real classes! nothing! No one was looking after me or cared what happened to me, or my schooling!
One area that the psychopaths destroyed was any schooling! I had no guidance 10th grade/11 grade! You need something, anything! I had nothing; I didnt even know anything was wrong because I was mentally ill getting worse! PTSD and other problems; I was becoming more n more dissociative! and other problems! break downs!
I was bullied and had problems with some teachers I guess! My popularity died! I had nothing but started getting bullied by some kids because I was not popular anymore nor interested in them anymore! I began to wise up and could no longer keep up the act 9th and 10th grade! Any girls I liked wrote me off as if they had never met me! and they kept that side of things up! I was now considered a weakling and back to being nowhere before I got to this new city; meaning, This was a complete failure that fell through! Finally in the 11th grade I will prepare to move away.
I was mentally destroyed by many aspects of things that year and before! clinical depression set in at age 16. No one cared! I began to understand what kind of scum I was living with! The psychopath was getting heat from the other members of her new family; not everyone bought into her lies and some of them were calling her on it! she turned on anyone that didnt play her game! 10th grade.
I still didnt get it! I still thought I had a mother; but a bad mother! I didnt get it; not yet! but soon I would!
10/11 grade
I had a local bully beat up my older brother and get away with it and threaten me; him and another hood from the jails! Its as if they could do what ever they wanted to anyone! no one cared! The police did nothing; through him jail for a night; that was it! That really freaked me out worse! I could not take care of my brother and I could be controlled by anyone on the street any time! Nothing made any sense! 10/11th grade.
I had already lost the girl I loved! I had pulled away from her; she was rich; and I was nothing! and I could not complete with her money or economic or school level status! I was flunking out of school; I should have been in a nut house; thats what I needed! no one cared about me! 11th grade/10 grade; and of course, many other day to day things occurring; you get the picture!
The reason I was in this town; the house I lived in when young was sold out from under me; age 9! My father left; he was using everyone for his own thrills! He was a sociopath who could care less if he ever saw us again; It was all a game to him! He left! that meant the psychopath was running everything! it was over for me! She immediately sold the house! I tried to live with my father' age 9; that did not last long; I had a nervous break down within 3 or 4 months! I had no choice, I had to go back and live with my mother; she moved away! it was a horrible nightmare of loneliness and rain and bulling and no schooling! I flunked out of school in this new town on the coast; 6th grade, because I was in traumatic shock from being moved from my first home; they sent me back to my home town! I can assure anyone that psychopaths could care less!
I had to go back and live with my Grand mother' 6th grade; These people created my mother the psychopath! I was sexually abuse, raped and controlled out of any involvement with anything I was continuously fed a prison camp still assault like attack of negative or sub human personalized negative language attacks; a hate language you would hear from your enemy if you were in a prison camp by your captures. It was not normal or the kind of thing you talk to children; this went on day n night! No one cared; no one cared bout sexual abuse! or about my schooling! I was bullied and flunking out! Im now in the 6th grade! Or in the later part of it! Im in complete shock and traumatic dysfunction.
7th grade, Im in shock; Im already bullied by allot from the kids in my Grandmothers neighborhood 6th grade! and Im now using drugs! Im 11 years old! I will stay in this area until 8th grade! 13 to 14 years old! my life and mind are being destroyed! Ive got no one asking how I am or who I am or my future nothing! Im a complete throw away! Im alone.
My best friend from younger days in my original house suddenly isnt my friend anymore! He started turning on me when Was 10! blaming me for why I was being abused at my Grandmothers house; he got this from his parents and from himself! I didnt know but he had always felt this way about me and his parents felt this way about me; they thought me scum! They didnt mind me hanging out with their son when very young; they thought it a good idea to socialize him; but after that, I had to go! of course I did not have any idea of this! I was 5 years old at the time! 5 to 9 or 10 years old! Thats how long I was around my best friend!
Dissociative disorder; I have dissociative disorder; forms of it when young! One aspect of dissociative disorder; a specific form of hallucinating or and delusional!
Delusional; that I had a best friend! I believed this; but my belief was based on what I told myself over n over n over! and I needed this person to be a best friend and I needed to believe his family liked me! It never occurred to me that I was never really invited or wanted or didnt mean much to this kid I thought of as a brother! In realty, he never called me his friend and he never called me is best friend and he never called me! I called him all the time and showed up at his house all the time! Later, I realized that he could care less! His family never wanted me their! The problem was; I did not know this at the time; i was 2 young, and had no one looking after me to tell me to stay away from those people, they are using me, they are not my friends!
Many of the PTSD problems Im facing now are from the 10 grade; well, thats not true; every year of my young life Im facing PTSD!
I had some good years; 4 to 8 years old! They were good because I was left alone! I was still doing poorly in school and didn't know! I didnt know any thing was wrong! My mother couldn't really touch me with my father around! and my father was around all the time being a play house father! but actually he was never around much! but when he was I saw him and interacted with him! I went places with him; skiing, snowmobile meetings, to his relatives! but later I realized it was all narcissistic on his part; he simply had no one else to go skiing with; and he was using his wifes cash to go! just using her and using us! I was exploited concerning his relatives! I was dragged along to make things look legitimate! They knew better; they did not want to see him or me or anyone else associated with him; but I did not know this when young! I thought I actually had relatives; I did not!
I was a throw away from every angle and had not known; but I always had been; even by the people I thought were my friends! they were not; I was being used!
Back to the 11th grade; Im destroyed and broken and broken hearted! my mind is broken! I am broken and I have no love and I dont understand what is happening, in every direction, no one wants me or wants to take care of me! or cares what happened to me! Im not loved by anyone; no one cares about my future or schooling! nothing! Im being passed back n fourth, house to house like a foster child! Im in shock, stunned by what is happening to me! I do not understand! the last bout I had with my mother finally gave me the impression she was a psychopath; but I did not have the name for it yet! She had not changed since I was 3 1/2 years old! She hated males and she specifically hated me because I was a boy; she wanted a girl! Not that I cared what she wanted!
In the 11 grade, my mother knew I wanted to leave; that meant she had to explain why; every time I lived with her it failed and I had to leave! she offered private school! I laughed and turned this down! what a joke this was! I did not want anything from these people! they were not my family; they did not care who I was! incredible! i wanted to go back home! So, I called my best friend and thought I could live with him!
I will mention something here! my maturity level was that of a 7 year old! or 4 year old! I wanted to go live with my best friend in the 12 grade! I had no idea about money or paying for things! nothing! I was full of PTSD and my mind was ruined and I was destroyed.
My mother made a deal with my best friends mother! Im not sure what was said; but I can only guess it was the same thing she says about everyone; that they were trouble makers and causing trouble, she was the victim! I ended up at my best friends house; and in complete shock, was hated and not wanted and treated like I was a leper and no good and a second class citizen! these were not friends of mine, yet I was in their house! I went to live with them with the understanding that they were my friends; thats why I was their! The reason they allowed me to live their! The reason I heard was to socialize their son for college for a year! It was strange, no one ever talked to me; it was like a was a stranger! it was strange, no one wanted to know anything about me or why I was their! nothing! I was treated with contempt! strange! hated! I was treated as if I was stupid and a retard! I was treated the way the old slaves were looked down on in the 16 century; like live stock! Like an animal in the zoo! only, they actually believed this! And yet, these were the same people I used to visit all the time as a kid! and their son; no friend of mine! nothing! A complete stranger!
As for my false friend and his family that I lived with; Little did I know I was dealing with the rich! They were well to do; and I did not know what that meant; I would learn the hard way! I wasn't wanted by them; but then, I was never wanted by them; and they were using me the first day I ever stepped on their door step at 5 years old; and thus; welcome to the rich!
Later, after piecing everything together; I had a vast and pretty-good idea of what happened. Years lager, a completed picture of all of it; what it meant, why I was being treated the way I was being treated. In the recovery process I figured all of it out on paper!
I was an expendable throw away child! many of them kill themselves! I ended up with full dissociative disorder! non of them know! They wouldn't have a clue because Im a throw away child; no one would care anyway! In reality, I was neglected and thrown away but spend enough time around these murder's to be abused; the point is; no one knew me; I was a complete stranger to all of these people or criminals or what ever they were!
Im now attempting to work through those high school years and take my life back from that time period and learn to live again!
Im starting to create my own visions and goals an desires and watch them develop! This time with non of the filth from the past!
Most of my life had been from one stopping point to another; one neighborhood to another! and I had no idea this would happen! the hardest hit was when very young, concerning lost of parents and house and neighborhood and schooling and friends and future and way of life.
I lost everything several times and much more! In the end I was completely destroyed! My brothers were complete strangers; one turns into a 100% sociopath with no conscious! The other a mixture of immaturity, under education and pathological, and with personality damage! a complete stranger!
As for my best friend; he was not my friend after all; He is a complete stranger playing games.
I will visit him for the last time many years ago, and write him a very nasty letter telling him never to associate with me ever again for any reason!
The girl I loved! I told her at one point about 10 years later how I felt ab out her; I was laughed at and made a fool of; " see ya, hope you have a nice life" " click"! her last words to me! no remorse! nothing! As if I had never met her!
Today I'm on the verge of getting my life back and my mind is being reworked into building my dreams! Im very lucky! The recovery process has been brutal; Ive worked through one complete mental illness with witnesses! Ive gone to 20,000 12 step meetings! Im finally getting some where!
my goals for relationships and general goals are getting closer! and Ive been studying how to have success based thinking for about 4 years now! and I have a personalized relationship with God! So, things are looking up and strong!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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