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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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In limbo land

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed May 15, 2019 3:32 am

Im in limbo land; Im slowly making my way back to civilization; not as a victim; Im done with that; but how can I say that; but its true; Ive done to much work to believe in that sh_t anymore. I don't.
However, Im still plagued by PTSD or CTSPD all the time and the child in me has a blanket of past flashbacks rolling all day long. But thats not it either; the PTSD is old; and Ive gone past that as well. Im heading into a new life; but the 12 year old me, continues to hold me in a 12 year old holding pattern but Im not buying it; Ive already moved on. I have new adult present experiences now that match or rival the past; but Im not strong enough yet; Im very confused living in both time periods at once.
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So; I have the anger of the 12 year old; thrown away and broken refusing to participate in anything new in the present because he just wants to go home to 1970 as he lives in PTSD. meaning, he’s reminded of his 1960’s home all the time; but the 12 year old in me does not buy into it anymore; he knows his newer home will be in my present reality here in 2o19. And this scares both of us. I must be present in 2019? Ive never been present for most of my life and Im building a life back into 2o19 and I don't know what thats going to look like; can I do this. I mean; the last time I broke; I became broken again.
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I could not do it; I could not let go; and I never went forward to fame and fortune and everything that goes with it; instead I chickened out and became a broken 4 year old they had to put on disability.
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I was given opportunities by God in the past; I said yes to God; then at that last moment turned on God and the people God has sent into my life; I had responsibilities to those people; I chickened out. I did something worse; I led people on then turned on them manipulatively. And ran off pathologically. I didn't care who I hurt.
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I lost everything. I lost me. I was devastated and heartbroken; I had lost my last chance to live; I didn't just loose it; I created the lose and blamed it on those I victemed. Nice!
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So; as I get better; God will bring me around to new opportunities; will I throw this away? What will happen this time? Will I be able to handle the responsibility of my new life.
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Im fighting to get up to speed for a new life; to be at the level of a house, a car, money, wife. As for work; I don't know; Ill keep writing about it as if Im already in a new career; I don't know what that means; I have no idea.
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The key is to believe; and that is the work Im doing; to believe and get rid of focusing on doubt or that Im not worthy.
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And I will win; I will break through; and dominate my mind with new success stories that take the place of the old martyr stories; its only a matter of time; its already happening. However, its all still young; and I have a long way to go.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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