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Importance of a father!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Oct 15, 2013 4:12 am

Ive been writing lately about my father. He died 8 months ago! I had no relationship with him. He abandon the family when I was 9 or 1o.

As I wake up from dissociative disorder, Im hit with many new rolling thoughts and memories of how I used to be! How I interacted. In those days I had my father protecting me! later he would abandon me for good! I had no idea, and never knew he was going to do this! I thought he loved me! I thought he thought about me! He did not! I did not exist. He thought about himself! He was a sociopath narcissist. However, he was not a sadist like my mother!

As I wake up, Im hit with reasons for no movement in my life. I realize I needed a father to show my accomplishments; I would need my father! I wanted to show him my first girlfriend; to get his approval. Or my first fishing experience, or baseball or what ever! Drumming! Job related stuff! Anything, everything! Im seeing that his role was vital in my development! with out him I have been and felt lost ! I have felt of no interest to accomplish or be part of anything; there is no father to get praise! whats the use! However, Im learning slowly to let go and let God on this matter. Im seeing why the core of me shut everything down! Nothing was safe!

I think of an enriched life; the giving and acceptance of a father with his son in the developmental years. I missed all of it! I was flat! No development! and I did not know I missed anything, because I went from dreams of an eight year old, to a death camp! I was destroyed.. My dreams went into dissociative disorder; no development. The whole thing is so scary to talk about or write about, but to have lived it, and it happened to me is beyond words to describe. This is the worst nightmare that can befall a child. And these people never came back. I was orphaned permanently! I was not wanted ever again by these people! I was thrown away for ever as If I had never been born, or born to them! All history was taken away! everything was taken away! pulled back, and I was left dry or dying. I have to work out this part of my upbringing! Its horrible, and there is no one from this immediate family to work it out with! They all left as fast as possible. There was no upbringing; that is a fantasy!

Im trying to let go of my childhood and associated friends. These were people in the area of the house! They were no friends. It was all a masquerade, nothing more! . ITs working, its possible! I must go through the past, and let go of all these people as if they never lived. As if I never knew them. They are not my friends and never were. I must go beyond the fantasy bond into a protect mode. The protect mode is looking at the truth and moving on! I move on away from!

A dissociative condition was created and must be looked at. Im not able to see the whole thing yet, it is to deep, Im seeing part of it! Its like an axe fell on my head and ripped me to pieces.

The line of inconsistency in my upbringing goes back to the beginning. When I needed feedback' nothing. Not that I was not noticed. I did not get the feedback I needed. No one noticed me when I needed it! There was no immediate feedback. The idea I had; when I got older, I would independently find what I needed on the outside. However, this was dependent on the foundation I had, and that foundation was ripped away from me! I did not expect it to be ripped away! it was like being on the Titanic; and the Titanic sank! I was no more prepared then the people on the Titanic. And I was a child! and I was destroyed. And I was no more!

I Always went against my mother and was independent. I could do this because my father was in the house/ he was in the way!. He made it possible, He was in charge. However, later, when he left, I knew I had no way out. There was no consequences if this person destroyed me! I had nowhere to go! no one to go to! I did not know what to do. I closed down and went into shock. I learned to people please to survive. I lost myself and my identity, and my will to live. I no longer cared about anything or anyone. and no one cared about me or what was happening to me! I was systematically being torn apart. I still cannot imagine anyone that would purposely destroy a child like this. I cannot imagine someone that would destroy another human being like this; its beyond my comprehension. No remorse, no conscious.

later I had to spend time around this person! how sickening and horrible and corrupt! How unholy! How abusive.. How ungodly!

later when I was abandon, no one showed up to pick up the pieces or pick up where everyone else ran off. I had no feedback! nothing! It was silent! I was thrown away permanently. Now I had no feedback and no one asked what had happened to me or had happened in my life. My friends all disappeared as if I had never met them, even my best friend was not my friend anymore... I was forgotten about in weeks. I had no Idea this was going to happen! meaning, my friends were never my friends, and my absence meant nothing to them! I did not know I was around a bunch of creeps. Now I know!

In the present: I have a very hard time getting close to people! they can move to fast in and out and around me! I do not feel safe. They can take me or leave me in to fast a manner! Its to much for me. I do not like myself enough to be around people. I need people I can trust. How can I build a situation of people that I can trust. That is coming next. I do not like shallow people, Ive been through to much! I cant operate in the false! I have baggage.. Lots of baggage.. Im not sure how to act around people! PTSD takes my brain away and Im not present! others can take advantage.

When I finally mop a floor for the first time to keep my apartment really clean; I want to tell my father all about it! I would share this moment with him. A moment of maturity!

So many basic things I would not participate in because my father was absent! biological for a father to work with a son. A boy needs a father to help make the passage safely into childhood and adult hood. Interacting with a father makes it safe, so the child does not just give up and forget about living!
Just at a meeting; Im getting much better at communicating and talking to others. Im saying good- by to people by first name. Im wandering over to the group and standing with everyone. I did not use to do this. Im interacting and asking questions. Im not freaked out when ignored. I do not take it as personally as I used to. Im not as anxious as before. Things are far from perfect! I still act weak and people please..
More painful memories of being safe and secure in my home as a child! Now I know it was not my home. I never had one. It was all a lie! All of it, including the clown family system! and the truth is setting me free. When you see the truth for what it is or was, you want to run; you want to run as if you find a pod and jettison from the star ship to another far away planet! You are detached from the past lies and fantasies of how good it was and all you missed. You realize that you are in a fantasy to keep you safe. Now the fantasy has the right to leave! The promises never worked out! it was all a lie! Now that you know you were suckered, its ok to leave and make your own life..

Letting go of the original family system is a relief. However, its incredibly painful and a great majestic loss. ITs not relieving to go through forced independence; its necessary! its very hard. Its necessary in order that I end up with a real possibility of personal movement! I need movement away from the past; the ugly past! The worst part is the disaster! That point right before the disaster! Everything is calm, then the rug is pulled out from under me! I am undermined. Im not sure where the hate came from! My mother had a deeper hatred for me! I assume its from my ability to see her for what she was.

What Im seeing now is something marvelous. The true me and the original me and memories are preserved; Im still alive, just detached.. I was buried deep within; some place deep within my unconscious and conscious mind; and this is part of dissociative disorder. All the memories are in tact of a wonderful life experience that I had for a moment as a child. This occurred when I believed I came from a secure family system and was living a normal expressive life! The idea is to reconnect with this person, and these memories are a starting place! I think this is possible!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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