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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Im writing allot o blogs! Im blogged up!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Sep 03, 2018 4:51 am

What kind of girls; women I mean; do I want to meet!
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When I was very young in junior high! I figured no girl would like me! no one liked me anyway! I was a throw away! I met a girl that I liked and liked me because I liked her! but I thought; no one else! later; I some girls liked me because I was funny!
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Then Im in college; and a strange thing happens; a guy at a party; his girlfriend came over with him and she really liked the way I looked! I caught me off guard! I did not care because I was so mental at the time; I cared about nothing! However, what I didnt realize; and didnt care about; girls liked me!
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later, they will show their faces; but Im completely messed up! they thought I was sexy! I was not home or present!
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I was ruptured in high school; my nervous system! I had no one and I was over ran as a human being; I just wanted to go home!
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Later, in my 20's I had the most beautiful women like me; like out of a Ms Universe contest; You cant go any higher then that! thats it; and I had it! And I did not know what to think! I know now! I was one of those guys; few guys that could get women like this naturally! and I did! or could! and it never stopped!
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Ive been around beautiful women and Ive gotten nothing from them; absolutely no where and nothing!
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Women can use their looks to have several men at the same time! And the problem is; they never go any deeper to have the man they really want; they dont need to have a man they really want because they can get a strong man to give them what they want! they dont need to ask if this is their best friend! makes no difference!
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Ive gotten nothing from being around physically beautiful women accept headaches because they have other men in their lives or children by them! Or their easily in a relationship or out of one! They learn how to stalk guys that they want!
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I just want a girlfriend; a best friend to walk on the beach! I don't really care that much whether she's the prettiest girl! I just want a best friend! Im so sick of good looking women; Im so tired of them! They compete me against other guys! its heart shattering! Its like being on a giant baseball field playing a competitive game!
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I just want a girlfriend! Im worth much more then this!
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Allot of girls that are really good looking are predators! or users of people! they can be spoiled! Not all of them! Some are down to earth nice people; but seriously! I get tired of them because I want one of them to be my wife or best friend; and I find out they are just predators and theirs nothing behind it; their interest! Their attracted but not interested or their interested but not for long! Some other strong man comes along and they go with him; or their playing both of us at the same time; I dont want to go out with someone like this; I dont even want to be in the same room with someone like this!
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Im seriously asking God to bring me to my people! An intelligent sensitive people that are friendly and nice! and within that group; find a girl I can love! we can sit in a room full of old heirlooms and appreciate them! cultured people!
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At times; some of the women that liked me claimed they were cultured; they lied! inside; they were more pathological; nothing more! monsters!
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So; Im getting closer; really close to getting God to get me to the next level! I kind of know what it is!
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Im scared; scared of being hurt; scared of dealing with one more person that does not value me or leads me on to throw me away!
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Predators hear my words and about my past; then they groom and act like their taking an interest! then suddenly turn on me and their with another man and then they flaunt that man in front of me and act all cozy and accepting of each other; like new love! it makes me sick; its an act of relational aggression against me! Suddenly I stop and think; i dont need to be apart of this! God can take me to a higher level then this filth! What am I doing here!
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Going after good looking women seems like it would be fun! its not fun; its empty because I dont have a primary relationship! I want the girl Im going after to be the primary relationship!
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I would say Im completely lost; but Im not; I was lost when I was in that lower level of frequency chasing after what I thought looked good; or I should say; it came after me! but it was always empty because they heads of those chasing me were empty and kind of worthless!
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The point is; Im asking God to bring me a girlfriend; soulmate, wife! Asian soulmate! What ever this means; and of high value or quality!
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I have no idea where or not women find me attractive now that Im an old man basically! Some of the women I knew from years back still like me! I dont know about new women! I guess it doesn't matter!
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its to bad; I had women that every man would dream of; the kinds on every tool calendar at a shop, or online care show or everything one could think of! and it was completely empty for me; I was lost the whole time and shy and never got anywhere with anyone; not really! I did attract people; no one found me interesting tho! and I am an interesting person!
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So; now; Im working with God to get a wife! a real one; a real person! a person of quality that I think is adorable and my best friend!
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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