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OMNICELL
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Im wacked when it comes to women!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 22, 2014 1:33 am

Im wacked when it comes to women! and thats OK; I have a legit reason for it; dissociative disorder!

Ive gone deeper! taken more chances! but this is not good enough! the disorder still rules! and shuts me down! I didn't even know the girl came n went! and how beautiful of girls I attracted. Any man would die just to have one of them! I got know where! I could not function! Dead on the spot, much like blowing an engine in a race; its over!

I got mad at these women! but I have to remember, they tried and they liked me and they took a chance to like me; I did not respond! and they were gone! girls who have choices, don't wait around! they get hit on by another guy who has it together and they are gone! and they let you know you don't have it together!

And they remember me no more! even if Im in the same room with theM! Im toast! I mean nothing to them! Im just a waisted remembrance from a long time ago! I mean nothing to them! they wrote me off along time ago!

Im getting corrected! I'm no match for these young sexy women that command every man they meet! they give me a chance, and Im so slow and retarded, I don't get out the door before they've hooked up with someone else and turn n call me a flake! they are glad to get rid of me; away from me; the flake!

I have to trust God, a possibly go out with other girls then these good looking player girls! they are to much for me! I do attract them but they want the world and those that can give it to them! I mean nothing to them!

They want my emotions, and I don't have any!

ITs hard when you attract attractive/ go getter style women! then they turn on you and feel nothing for you!
And they don't feel they owe you anything! they write you off on the spot! and i suppose at this point I will have to write them of on the spot and never go near them again! Its to bad for me! but also, i don't have to put such value into the class room; Im not sure what that means! it means something?

I have to keep writing! keep writing and writing and writing until I find the answers! or the answer!
Possibly the answer in in writing and discovery! Its personal, and always will be!

but secretly, I wanted to make it public to the right people, and I ran away when they showed up! so that is a sin! if you call it that! Maybe not! I just wanted my childhood back!

My childhood comes back when I tell my secrets! but I feel like Im telling my secrets to the ghosts! and the ghosts take me back into the house I lived in and I can see in, but I can't enter!

I just wanted my childhood back and she would have given it back to me if I would have had enough kahonas to jump! but I never did!

Hooking up with the right girl means reconnection! it begins again! to connect! It brings all my memories back!

And when its offered to you over n over n over; you get a reputation for not responding! and over n over n over you give up and the people around you give up on you!

You have to learn, beggars can't be choosy! I have sad lessons to learn! Im spoiled. and not taking the offer when it comes, as if another offer is around the corner! How many more offers are going to fly in my face! what am I doing! playing games...

Im still window shopping because I don't have the guts to become something here n now! or I think Im to good to become something here n now!

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When a person can't or doesn't attract the opposite sex, and they get the offer to do so and throw it away, that is bad! but when you do attract the opposite sex and don't do anything with the offers you get, something is horribly wrong! possibly you don't have a problem yet! because there are no consequences! But you have a big big problem! and it causes allot of shame!

I see a girls body, but I don't want to have to see her mind! and Im not sure why! possibly Im afraid of it! afraid of the connection! connection to another person! Im afraid of being hurt!, or Im afraid of being pulled away from my mother n father! that I did not have for very long! it takes me away from them! or the memories of them!

Or the child has control! or I have problems, serious problems Im not telling anyone about!

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If I loved someone, and I was at an auction! how much would I pay for them! if the bidding started at 20 bucks! how for would I go before I stopped! 200$ 300$, I would never stop! no money value could be put on the person I loved!

But something has happened! Im not like that anymore! hate crept in or I lost interest, or interest in myself! I let others think for me! I gave up long ago! I had no interest in this place anymore ( society) or what it had to offer!

things get in the way of true love! why! low self worth or esteem, or I couldn't carry the weight of the responsibility! my mind floated away! and I never came back; why!

I would be pulled away from my parents house and my dream, that I had never left! that I was safe at home and everything was OK!

True love; others showed up to me for true love! and I didn't think they were worth it! they showed an interest! but I bagged out on it; chickened out! I never went through with it! why!

Why wont I go through with it! why am I chickening out!

I chickened out on my true love, my first love! and it was already established! yet I chickened out on it! I had already participated and chickened out! I never went forward with what I wanted...

my mind reseeded back into itself and never came out again!


---------------------
I know a girl in the present that liked me! I chickened out! What did I think her interest in me was worth! nothing! why! I thought she was a fake! why! why did I think she was a fake!

Ive associated relationships with negative disasters! people using me! do women really get involved with me because they don't like me , they just want to use me? this has been my excuse!

What about me! what if I like the girl! Im throwing my own feelings aside if they don't count! I liked this girl, no I probably just wanted to use her! What? i don't know my own feelings? I really don't like this person! Whats going on here! Nothing makes sense because I wont simply accept my feelings the way they are! did I like the girl! Yes! did I want to be with the girl! Yes! I really liked her!

Im dragging this stuff into places it should not be! its better to be honest in relationships! but I don't want to be hurt! how am Im going to get hurt! a girl likes me and I like her! did she like me falsely! Im claiming she is just trying to use me! use me for what! her heart is not in it? possibly!

Its my mother! Im to scared its my mother! but that is an excuse! I know its not my mother! or Ive gotten enough guts to find out its not my mother! because its not my mother!

------------------------------

Im better; Im numb! I can't love or feel the way Im suppose to feel to have a girlfriend! its getting closer! and certainly within the realm of people I associate with; there are always plenty of women! and there are plenty of women everywhere anyway!

But one has to want them emotionally! not sexuality on its own does nothing! and I can't get near women based on that! I naturally stay back!

you have to feel something for women! when your with them; for the person your with! you have to be able to feel! I can't feel anything! its better, its numb!

Possibly in a few weeks, months! Im not sure! Im slowly coming out of dissociative disorder! and the long term PTSD world! its in me, but has less of a grip! However, where it does have a grip, I am not present!

I have some feelings of infatuation coming out toward certain women! very young women! I know them; they've liked me in the past, until they saw how much work I have to do on my condition! now they are with others! and that hurts!

ITs very tricky to wake up! You can get caught up in others and then let it go! I can't feel anything! I think I will be able to; to be friends, to feel again! slowly! you have to love a girl to be with her! you can't have a relationship if you don't love her! I mean, can't love! its not possible! why bother! the whole thing of relationships with a girl is based on love! and my mind is not present!

Even sex, you must be present to have a sexual relationship! when your mind is PTSd'd out, what can you do! you have to keep working on it!

Its freaks me out when girls like me and look into my eyes! Im now starting to get hit by them! and melted by them! its like your whole soul is melting in chocolate ice-cream!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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