From the top... I said to a friend yesterday; my first love never liked me; was not my friend; not my best friend; not my soulmate, and did not love me. However, This morning after waking up; I remember now; she tried to go out with me over n over n over 100 times; I would not respond to here; I stayed in the 8 year old mold. However, a month later at a party; I made out with this other chick. I was 14 year old... for 1-1/2 years I could not go out with this girl I loved. But I could date other women and fool around with them. I then blamed this girl I loved for not being compassionate to my problems; but never discussed anything with her. I was mad that she wrote me off.. she saw me as a weakling; I was not a weakling. later; many years later she said I meant nothing to her. But in reality; she tried to get me to go out with her 100 times; this does not sound like someone I meant nothing to.... I forgot how hard she wanted to date me... she must have really liked me.... I think so.....
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A women in my meetings 10 years ago or more; she tried to get my attention so I would ask her out. God sent her( did God send her?)... I couldn't do it. So, she ended up getting attention from other guys. Finally another guy liked her and moved in on her... This women came up to me when I was standing up and jumped me; physically jumped me. She was trying to wake me up so I would date her; she didnt want anyone else; she wanted me but I wouldn't budge... later with her new boyfriend; she come down in the back of the meeting place and screamed at me for not responding to her. I didnt like her behavior... that's why I didnt date her... thats what I told myself. But I thought I liked her when I met her; why didnt I just go out with her... I couldn't; a wall existed... A dissociative wall. But I didnt want to; I didnt like her behavior; she wasn't a nice girl... she was all over every guy.... thats not what I want...
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A women in a new meeting I was attending last here. She liked me; she came up to me and said hi; in a courtship kind of way. I did not respond. She tired for 2 weeks; I did not respond. Another 4 months goes by; she keep trying to get my attention; id not respond. finally after another 2 months; she tries to say hi for the last time and gives up and then started dating other guys finally ending up with a guy of her favor; of course Im mad about it... but I forget... she tried to date me for 4 months and I refused in every direction. But something was horrible about this; they used this against me targeting me in the rooms; these were not nice people.. and her behavior was bad; checking out other guys the whole time; if new guys came in.... Things that turned me off; this is not the kind of women I wanted.
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I claimed these women did me in; but in reality; I was in the courtship process to date someone; did I forget.. I turned into a 5 year old with personality disorder.. I truly have defensive personality disorder when dealing with women I like. I cant get past the courting process. thats not true; I dated a women who looked just like the average normal women; and I asked her out and showed up; walked her Dog... and we started dating; it was fake; she was a sociopath; but I did date her....
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So; I can date people that mean nothing to me.. But women that have a real interest in me; more quality women; nope; no go their... cant date them; l cant open up and be my authentic self; I go into freeze mode and stay in freeze mode. These were not nice girls; thats the problem....
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Im totally messed up and possibly did not see how any women would want anything dealing with me. I could not respond to these people. maybe I need to leave these meetings and go out with normal people.
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Also; if she doesn't look like a normal girl; Im not going out with her. ive had allot of women in the meetings like me but I would not go out with them even if they were beautiful.. and that hurts. but Im a afraid; I dont trust them... In the end their behavior proves me right...
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If I think they are safe; Ill try it; but the women God sends me; Im not taking the bait.. I dont know why... Im afraid... what am I afraid of.... thats what I have to look at. I dont think they will go out on me.. I thought they might; but I dont think so; I dont know. later; they judge me; and their judgments are not correct; they are not decent people; thats part of the problem.
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I think a better place to meet women is at hand; thats part of the problem. I need nicer women... nicer people. Kinder people... safer people.
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Ill keep working with the universe on this....
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Getting up to speed and letting the universe bring me the right people....