I have to fight for what I want and desire; I cant do any less; I personally cant because of my background. I have to imagine Im fighting for it desperation leads me on regardless of what the subject matter is; Right now its the memories of my first love; I am to re narrative that story and Im fighting to do so at times; screaming in pain and busting through walls to get her; to get through to her from the ruble if thats what it takes to have her because fighting with all my might and sacrificing works... So Ill fight. and Ill win. I will; I cant do any less. And Ill do the same for the other things in my life I love or want. The blocks are between where I'm at and what I want... Dissociation and disconnect and Ill bust and smash and fight my way through and across no mans land to get to them and I will win....
Dealing with my first love. A reason; a massive reason exists of why God is having me deal with my fist love in my imagination; in fact; the key to life is in that experience with her.. I turned on her; Tonight right before I wrote this; I began to think about her; imagination of her; working on my new narrative. Suddenly I attacked her.. meaning; proud to hold something against her wanting to destroy her; thinking its fun and funny; sadistic. I pulled back and stopped; Then I did it again in another form and then again and again and again;' 5 times in a row of different angles and forms. I finally had to pull the pit bull of off her in my imagination. It isn't physical attack or anything; its a kind of contempt. A part of me has contempt and attack. Poor girl. I had to pull me off of her image..
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She never did anything wrong; I was attacking the weak; thats all I was doing.. Thats what I really did. So; those areas are what I have to work on. Why did I get jealous and attack her innocence... Insane.. corrupt... why!
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God is trying to show me; Im attacking her innocence... I was innocent at one time; I still am. Why am I attacking her; because I think Im better then she is or not good enough. Or; she is better then I am.. But only because I want be my real self.... with all the openness to it... something like that; its very close; Im switching personalities and not being nice,... Im not being my real self and how I really feel. Im not letting it out to her because I can hardly stay present as that personality. And that is a major part of this.
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Im shocked and horrified looking back at this; Im seeing it more n more; My God....... That is not what I wanted.... I did not have control of my own brain. My nervous system took over and is destroying everything out in front of me....
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Im in a good space. Im keeping my innocence and willing to turn back and stick to it and not change it; I will correct myself instead and stay in my own lane and work with God until this behavior is fixed. ITs not about her... thats whats so revealing and horrifying about all of this...
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Ill will take each situation in turn and correct it by seeing myself go back to her and telling her I want her and I'm not leaving her and I love her... Im not going anywhere and Im not abandoning her... Ive got a whole lot of work to do here to shore this up; Its an amazing amount of stuff... Its like a tsunami came out of me and attack on all fronts and ive got massive damage to repair and clean up... all kinds all over the place.,..
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A mother that is attacking me and the overwhlem-ent of it and the adverse bizarre and serious trauma problems it caused... and is still causing but Im now challenging it... But its brutal and horrendous and like nothing else accept the equivalent of different forms of torture,...
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Being destroyed by a mother psychopath is a horrendous way over the head nightmarish horror. And the permanent dissociation it causes is way over the top for any human being; Im now trying to accept what happened and the damage.
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Im starting to see myself more as the human being again away from the blinding flashing ness of dealing with that psychopath.. and the adverse conditions it left me in. Im starting to break open from them; move beyond them into another realm of self again; but to being someone who can respond to others again.
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I have no idea who is safe and who is not...
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Im seeing myself respond to others in my imagination but I dont know if they are safe or not. I dont know. Ill work with God on it...
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New aspect opening up; The ability and reason to respond immediately.,, So; this is coming back to me; and this represents what I was like as a child before the massive doeses of trauma...
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Trauma doses are going away slowly; really really minutely; but its slowly reseeding or fading as I move out of its wake; its tide onto the land... slowly fading; o so slowly. Im starting to see beyond it and the ability for me to physically respond to someone; not just watch them in freeze schizo mode... no movement.. amnesia.... So; Im seeing it in my imagination. Heres the problem.
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Do I owe anyone besides my first love; anyone else; do I owe them the response; NO! I dont think so. I have guilt and I have love; but I dont know that those I loved or feel guilt toward deserve me. or my presence. I think not; I think God will naturally supply them for this venture if he wants that to occur.
Those people; some I would like to talk to are dangerous; They have already proved deceptive and dont care. I can see one specifically that I could pull to the side; but she already violated my trust to the point of never talking to her ever again numerous times over and she knows it and doesn't care. In fact; she thought I was weak. Only when she saw I was strong and not weak did she take another look at me with respect.. and if the romance she had with the other guy had actually lasted; I would have never seen her again. It was as if she liked me; but if I didnt respond to her; she just moved on to 10 other possible guys and would have picked one of those. Im not suggesting she didnt like me; Im suggesting her Player attitude was more important. and for that I will never associate with her ever again. Those people are dangerous and especially for someone like me.
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Who knows; its all up to God. Im hoping God brings me the right situations and the right people who are safe for me to learn to respond to; respond the way I was suppose to with my first love that I was unable to. Ill have to work with God on this... and learn to stay out of the outcome...
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Its getting hard where Im at in the 12 step system; its all good but not a life. Im slowly retraining my brain and working with God; I will for the rest of my life. The more I do the better. My human experience is a lot better than allot of people with the same level of problems.. because; Ive continually been involved in the recovery process. I could haver stayed completely schizoid for the rest of my short life. But thats not the case; my problem is not wanting to die; my problem is wanting to live... that in itself is worth all the work...
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I have work to do... And to trust God and get back inline with the laws of attraction and start attracting new people.
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Im going to need to do work on expressing myself; learning how around the right people; not the wrong ones. Ive been around the wrong ones for a long long time... And so; Ill need the right ones.
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Ill pray about it.. I still dont know anyone else accept those in meetings. No one. And I guess thats embarrassing to me. I really dont have anything going on. Im just an agoraphobic trying to figure out how to live out here in la la land. Many people have written me off as a fake; a user of others; and I am. I guess. I am. Im trying to silently work on specific things no one else knows about. I have a hard time making friends. But you know; Ill talk to God about it.
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God does bring me people; but he taught me a lesson the last time; no more women from the 12 step meetings; they are treacherous and devious and deceptive... not nice! ruthless; not faithful.... Not that I didnt already know this. But one has to gain real world experience or they wont believe it...
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So; what next do I want to do. what ever it is; I have to imagine Im giving to others or helping others with...
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Music and Art connection; working on that; "universe is helping with that.
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Sat by 2 women tonight that both wanted to marry me or it would have ended up that way; I could not socialize with them; I was always in constant freeze mode. I never did get close to them. Tonight they felt safe enough and I was open enough; they both came and sat by me... I purposely opened one of them up.. told her I was feeling de realization. She didnt know what it meant; it didnt matter... she figured it out; the point is; I started a personal up close conversation with her.. something I could never do with someone I liked or liked me; also; I told her something more inner personal on purpose; something the equivalent of innerness to intimacy of a safe nature... Im not hitting on her or anything; we are acquaintances.
I have a feeling the other women who sat next to me will start opening up to me as well. And Ill talk to her to; without the defensiveness....
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I noticed the girl that liked me last year. She is gone or I dont really see her anymore; Im not asking anyone about her; she made her choice and dated some worthless arrogant filth right in front of me. I vowed to not associate with her ever again; I don't think I can. But I felt it; she is gone. All things are up to God but I dont think God wants me around those type of people.
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I was able to feel what it felt like to ignore someone tonight. someone did it to me tonight... I had ignored her for years. I felt it. Its truly horrible; When in the dissociative disorder; I did it all the time to people; I felt nothing. I feel it tonight. or felt it tonight.
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Ill pray about all things and let God sort it out and keep working with God. I do miss that girl that liked me but I also feel the scares; like the burning sting of a manta-ray; Ill never let her get close to me ever again... evil... I can never allow it.
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Ill pray about it to God... all things.
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I was talking to someone about music tonight; they suggested I create music for myself not someone else. and make it good enough.
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So; Im taking that to heart; what kind of music would I create that I really like and would like to give others.. actually; ill keep others out of it... its just for me.
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As I get better; slowly; Ill start praying again about a girlfriend. and see who shows up.