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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/im_still_to_young_b-13105_sid-9a11684b9b5484ff7d8824e6344b521d.html

Author:  OMNICELL [ Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Im still to young

Im still to young in my emotional age; a gap resides where Im at and where I want to be. Im trying to get in touch with the beginning places of self; where I was at before I was hurt; trying to get in touch with it; feel it; be inline with it; feel safe in it and go from their; not be blocked anymore from that specific place.
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The idea is simple; go back to where I was at before I got hurt and start from there. To start from a beginning spot; one must first find it; and my dissociative disorder is still blocking my thoughts from it. And it sucks. Im trying to get inline with myself; if Im inline with myself Ill know what the next move is. Im stuck at the moment; Im being kept from looking at the starting place; and with out the starting place, I can't get started. I see a lot of past memories of being used by people and I have to go before all that and start over again. And I have to work with the universe to interpret this; meaning; how to I go from the child in me to the next level; what leg work; what direction; thats the work. I have to have a base or grounding at that age Im starting at; I can't just see it; I must be it; be inside of myself again and be their at that age again; and then move forward in a direction that is going to help me in life... Thats the goal; And it is a hard one; a scary one; Im sabotaging myself; I dont know why; CPTSD; critical voice and flash backs; I must keep at this work and not stop. Keep at it.
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The goal is to stop being a victim of other lesser people and find a way out; face that I want a way out.
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Many different ages within me want to act like nothing is wrong; Im find in any age my mind is stuck in within the past; meaning; I need to move forward and I need the different parts of me to wake up and want to move forward with me because they are suppose to want to escape the past; but some of them dont want to move; or go; they are to scared and Im trying to wake them up so I can get a life at the present; Wake up!!!!!
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Im trying to get the past me's to see the truth; Im being abused; its no place to just sit and act like everything is OK when nothing is ok. I want those parts of me to wake up and leave those time periods. However, The child in me sees those time periods as all I have left. However, in reality, I had nothing in those time periods; Nothing.
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Im trying to wake up; to get to a place inside my past; a place I can show up in; and awake up and learn to get out of their and move on; move on, move on. unfortunately, I was not in control of anything; I could not fight back; did not have a clue to what was going on. Now; I must wake up if I am to save myself and my life....
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Ive got my work cut out for me; the question is; what is the next move; thats always been the problem; what is the next step in what direction. Or take a step and find out. My mind must see it first; I must know what Im heading toward.
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A gap resides from where Im at to where I want to be; where do I want to be; its being blocked because theirs pain and suffering and loss and fear when I think about it or imagine it; I get it with flashbacks; I have to over come them and decide what I want and where I want to be; what is the end destination; that is the goal; and that must get stronger even in the face of a broken faulty system within my nervous system.
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I must strengthen what I want so I know where Im going. I get side vented and betrayed by my own thinking; Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde. So; I have to listen to one side; not both; and keep at it.
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Having both sides; one normal side; one dissociative side; causes massive problems. Im working through it; but I dont know what to work through; all I can come up with is; what do I want at the end of this; what do I really want; what does it look like. the problem is, mind blocks what I want; wont let me visualize it; holds me back; holds me down; So; I have allot of focus work to do in my mind.
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A part of me wont let me expand; its either trying to destroy me or protect me; but it takes over and keeps me from what I want; I dont have any control over my own nervous system. Its frustrating; what do I want; I have to keep at this so I can be honest about what I want from my life.

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