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OMNICELL
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Im shy around women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 24, 2019 3:37 pm

Ill have to let my hand just express and wonder with words.
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So; Ive figured out most of what the problem is; but ill keep writing about it.

The problem; My mother was monster; a psychopath; soulless; more like an Alligator; in fact An Alligator; The psychopath is closer to the reptile alligator lineage or Komodo Dragon; thats my opinion..

The problem; I would say " I love you mom" from 0 to 5 years old. And get no response. And the " no response" was not a normal " no response" form a mother; instead; it was a shallow nothingness; like telling an Alligator you love them; like talking a wall that can kill you; like talking to a demon over n over n over; telling it that you love it; it just stares at you; not understanding; pure predator with predatoring humans on its mind and nothing else of importance. So; when I said I love you; the response was; Im not important. And of course; it was ten times worse then that. And the effect of having no response when I said I loved her over and over; " I love you mom" and Id bring her things; Id buy her things from a garage sale when I was 5; I would get no response when I gave it to her; it was a fake shell response; like talking to a shell. She had contempt for me and my brothers. But she was a monster; A psychopath.
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So; I become psychotic from this and non responsive as a human being and the world started to look like I was looking through a piece of glass and it got worse and worse and worse; soon; the only thing I could relate to was a TV screen and nothing beyond it.
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So; I need solutions on how to tell a mother I love her and get a response; feel like I loved my mom; was given the right to love my mom.
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The next problem is believing I was loved by my mom when I was not. And Im practicing the idea of substitution; meaning; Im imagining I have a mother in my head and she's telling me " Brian I love you" .
And their it is; all that I need to cure for now; the receiving and giving of love from a mother; believing it happened. Or something of that nature; getting this fixed.
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Below are the different scenarios Ive had with women; Im just venting or expressing; getting them out.
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So; Im going to have problems expressing feelings correctly and trusting anything that moves; I wont be able to trust anything and I will not be able to receive love or give love; I wont be able to receive or give. It will all be dissociated out of existence.
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This is a hosh posh disjointed accumulation of ideas about women; my interactions with them; with the hopes of breaking through concerning what happened; why Im so dysfunctional around women and scared to tell anyone or let anyone know or the shame involved. And I know that control is part of this; I don't want any women in control of me; I don't even want to deal with it; I have no toleration for it.
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Ive got to find out whats wrong with me concerning women because I cant sleep with them or date them. Well; I cant sleep with them.
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I have allot of shame; its horrible; horrible the things I was put through.
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I was not prepared for what I was going through; no one prepared me for what I was going through.
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I had a women I interacted with and got close with; she is mad at me because for a few years she tried to get close to me because our personalities matched; at least she thought so; and she wanted me; was attracted to me by what I said; later I would get used to walking up to her and talking to her; or more importantly; interacting with her. And thus; the bond was complete; meaning; Ive completed it; I women wanted to get close to me; she would walk over and get physically close. I would run away from that closeness; it scared me; it scared me because I have CPTSD. Finally I over came my fear a bit and started to get close to her. I took chances and learned to walk over and say hi; much like a broken little kid. shy. And I began to talk; it was all therapy for me. Im not sure she understood this; but maybe she did. She tried to talk to me and walked over and sat by me; she was desperate. I got up and left; walked out. I didn't come back for 9 months; when I re entered the rooms I met her at; she was pregnant; she came over and gave me a hug. but I was so glad someone else had don't it and not me... But later; I learned to walk over to her and wave at her and give her a hug. And I did give her a hug. And so; for a while I connected with her. And at one point; I sat with her eye to eye from 2 inches away; and she told me what she thought of me and I listened. and she got her feelings out and I didn't leave. and that was a completed blond. Meaning; with my dissociative disorder. I was able to complete an emotional hookup with someone; get up close and complete the emotional circle. She was not thrilled about it because she was with another man and not me; she acted more like a therapist a bit; like she was really proud of me for the work and improvements I had made but inside she had regret because I was not the one she got pregnant by. And I made sure of it. But she didn't seem to know that. Anyway; it was a completed emotional circle. So; can I say I have problems with women; Yes. but I did complete that circle.
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I do well with nice girls; I do not do well with whores. I like whores; they turn me sexually. But something is always wrong.
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I don't feel good enough with a women that looks like a model; I drop my head and don't feel good enough for her; I suppose this because I wasn't good enough for Lisa.... And I didn't care anymore... Or good enough for my mother and didn't care anymore.... And I know my mother was a psychopath; and it means I had no other friends; I had no other support; I was alone when I was rejected. However, now I know the people that betrayed me; they were sociopaths; I had no idea; they weren't complete sociopaths; but maybe me; because their families turn out to be sick and I never knew it. And that is all 2 much for me to deal with; all of these emotional things are 2 much for my CPTSD to deal with; and its possible that my emotional deregulation built up and my symptoms stepped in and deregulated me and my mind left me or dissociated....
I don't do well with really good looking women; they scare me; I never think Im good enough; and they can run off with someone else. And looks are more important to them then who I am. Something dishonest about them; you would think not; or my values were already established and I didn't need a girl for that; for sex. In fact; I don't; but heres the deal; I watch porn like I want a women for sex. I cant live up to good looking women...
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Porn.
I would rather watch porn then be with a real women; well; I look at women as if their rubber dolls. I could sleep with one or watch porn. But I don't want any emotional back lash. So; what do I want.
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So I have a mish mash mess concerning women. Im severe different personalities concerning women.
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I want sex period; but is that why I look for a girl friend. I want a whore I can sleep with; but thats not true; thats not my personality; but a part of me; it is my personality. but its not. but a darker part of me it is. but its not; Im sad when I say something like; I want to use a whore; thats doesn't sound right thats not me. But I like sex; But id be using a women if I had sex with her; thats how I feel about it; or I would be with a bad person if I sex; so; something is wrong. concerning sex. its all messed up.
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I had a women offer me sex; but I didn't take it because my worth was based on sex and I would never see her again. I would be used by her and I was not going to let that happen.
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I want to use women for sex but Im ashamed of it and don't want to admit it; but deep down thats what I want; I want to fool around with them but Im to bashful to admit it.
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I can have a relationship with a women; Ive gone full circle; Ive walked back up to her and she told me how she felt and I told her how I felt. But I didn't tell her how I felt. Ive told no one how I feel. I didn't want to get caught the way my mother would catch me. I didn't want to get hurt the way she would hurt me if I expressed my feelings; I did not want a women to do this; Im quit pathological about seeing all women this way; like they could be my mother and hurt me where I would have to run away from this monster. So; their is a clue. And when I walked up to this women and she told me how she felt; I opened up a little; just enough to ask about how she felt about me; that was a start; and she opened up; and because of it and my physical proximity; it was a complete circle. In another situation; I got close to another women but I got mad at her. I told her about a psychopath in the rooms; And I found out she had slept with him and she was trying to defend him; and that was the end of our relationship; bam. She refused to accept what I told her about him; And I will not stand for people defending people that hurt children; just because they slept with him and made her status higher with her friends; thats sickening. meaning; thats not me; thats none of my business; I need to get out of their. but I like sex; and so sex held me their. but Left. so; Ive actually been building relationships. But I never slep with them. but I did sleep with this fat girl once and that didn't scare me. IT wasn't intimidating. I wasn't scared that I would be judged and thrown away. But I would not sleep with the really good looking hot women; I refused. that scared me worse; I would be pulled into a whole social world I didn't want anything to do with. Maybe I don't want to get turned down. yes; thats it; altho women like me; Im scared because I really don't believe they think Im all that; Im afraid they really see me the way my mother saw me.
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Do I want to sleep with women; yes; I want to use their bodies; but I cant but I want to. but I'm getting stopped; and as soon as I think about sleeping with women; i see my grandfather; step grandfather controlling my body; I'm 11 years old; and he's putting his hands all over me like Im a girl and Im freaking out; Im scared to death; I have to live their and theirs no escape; and my mind is slowly going away again.
And other bad things he does; but I cant escape and its during the time of my sexual development
First Ive had many women want me; but I never wanted them; meaning; deep down; I just want to go home to the way things were; Im a decent person who never thought of women period. I never thought of them accept to have that one girl of my dreams and that was it; I didn't want women for anything else. In fact; when I was a teenager; I was so innocent that I could be with the hottest women in the school and it meant nothing to me because I never saw them that way; my first love was one of the hottest women in the school. But I never saw her that way; And that statement I just used; is perfect because thats the real me. And a voice within me is trying to critically destroy that person. and thats my mothers voice I guess. It is my mothers voice. because in reality as a child. Things were fear based but I buried it; I assumed I would grow past this person who was not safe to be around; that was her problem and id just move forward. Little did I know the effect she would have on me; And that affect of control and fear was from 0-3 years old.
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The real me just wanted a first love and nothing else. I was never interested in a women body; it did matter to me; and it still doesn't. When I think about a first love; I think of someone I would crawl up on the bed and be next to; not sleep with. Sleep with her is not anyone else business; its not a popularity contest between a bunch of guys and the girl I like.
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Im a nice guy; I met the girl of my dreams; I asked God for her and it did not work out; and I have to discuss why; over n over n over until their is an understanding; and it has little or nothing to do with the girl; it has to do with displacement. Im a displaced person. I had a home I lived in; it was pulled out from underneath me and my whole frame of life vanished and was changed. I had no outside reference points. And all I've wanted was to get that reference point back so I could get back inline with myself.
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Ive been around and I know that underlining most of this is a horrible level of fear. And that fear is; I don't want to go back around these people that hurt me; but where to I go; I can go to heaven; for at least in heaven I would not be crushed like I am on planet earth.
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I have no interest in women; nothing; because I don't know all these women. Im only interested in that women that God naturally brought to me; the right one; Im not interested in the others.
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So; something is wrong here; I should be interested in all women; talking to them; flirting with them; meeting them; dating them; Something is really wrong... Im scared to express myself to women?

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Sex; Sex plays a roll when the other areas are not possible. meaning; if I cant have a first love and Im disconnected from relationships; then;
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Im dislocated; de franchised. And so; that is more important then stranger women; women that are strangers to me. I cant have a relationship with a women until I get the rest of my life together. but my life never comes together. So; Im never with women; I'm scared. or scared of women.
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Ive been offered sex from women numerous times. but I turned them all down and I don't know why; I was shy; and immature I guess; scared; but I was dreaming about having sex with the women that I turned down.
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ITs the process and interaction; Im shutting down during the process and interaction; if these women were in my bed; Id be in that bad with them; no problem. So; its not sex and its not the resistance to sex; its before all that; its in the presentation. Something is getting defused, deregulated and dysfunctionally rerouted the wrong direction; like I have mixed beliefs. Its as if I have a set of beliefs shoved down my throat by abusers and their showing up in my programing.
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Theirs noting private about these promiscuous women; and that bugged me.

The women issues or problems might be something I take to a therapist or psychologist; many problems of confusion.
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Basically; Im not riding down the right lane. And when I meet women; their the wrong women because Im not down the right lane in life; I was forced down the lane Im at to get better; but the women Im meeting are not why Im in the places Im in. They are not the women I want to meet.
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Ive tried sleeping with them; I cant; I cant trust them; something is wrong and I need help. Im not where Im suppose to be. Its not the women's fault. I wanted to have my fantasies; but something is wrong. Im not in my own lane. I want sex from them but I want to feel right about it; I see nothing wrong with it; its brainwashing from 0-5 years old; something is wrong; Ive been convinced that Im not good enough to be with women... They are above me; Its my mother talking to me over n over n over.
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This has been going on from the beginning. Its a very hard subject. The problem is; Im suppose to be the knight and rescue these women; but Im not in that position; I hate being put into that position. I resent it because Im not a knight. Im just myself; someone that thought he would be protected all his life; a kid from a small town with a family; a holism family; I was a nice kid; I would do well; have friends and go to a university and have the life I always wanted; and then it was taken from me. It was falsely presented to me. I had no family; but did not know. Ive been trying to get on track ever since. I had no interest in women; nothing; accept to use them for sex. But thats not true. I never used them. maybe once; but it was with the wrong girl. She was of no interest to me; She was fine; the problem was; I had no business being with the wrong women. Women were not what I was suppose to thinking about; I was suppose to get my life rolling and then the right women would show up.
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I guess I should try to get out the truth and deal with the shame.
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So; Im a little kid; And my mother is telling me no women will ever like me ever; Ill have to settle with and average girl because beautiful women will never like me. And she does not tell me to settle; she just says that beautiful people are for the chosen and Im basically a pen animal; meaning; like a pig in a pen.... I dont deserve anything; I deserve nothing; Im 6-7 years old or 5 years old when she's telling me this. Its just not fair; that children should have to be exposed to this ever...
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Inside; Im a nerd or an introvert that was forced or ripped to pieces and damaged as a human being with no place or no home to go to; my home was taken from me; pulled out from under me; as if I was in a war. I think the best way to describe it was mind genocide; I cant describe what the psychopath does more then this; dissolves human beings.
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I have relationship problems with women.
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And Im going to have to report on it; the real problems; and its embarrassing; I suppose its embarrassing because in my mind the only reason women have liked me; most of them is because they were attracted to me; I had something they wanted. But they never liked me and I never felt safe around them.
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I have so much to report; my story concerning women.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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