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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Im scared of the creative process with music

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:06 am

Im scared to create music; I seem to have no vision and Im afraid to express myself with notes; Im assuming from the past that I feel like I dont known my own music; someone else owns me when Im trying to create! I dont feel safe! I feel like Im people pleasing someone! My musical side was compromised when young and sick filth got involved with my personal stuff; violated it! its like my musical side was raped and I cant function anymore! Im trying to function again by opening it up and expressing myself; Im finding myself used and not safe! I feel the ptsd all around me; Im not present! I .
I feel like Im no good at this! no vision! and I cant feel that the space in front of me to work in is safe; its been to violated to many times; I feel like Ive been raped over and over again so many times. I never feel safe in any environment! This is one of the reasons in the past I wanted to kill myself; waking up into another day on this planet meant I was not safe; I wanted to go to heaven where it was safe! I still do! However, Im trying to work with God on planet earth!
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I dont feel safe giving anything to the outside world! I dont feel safe bringing anything outside my mind or body; I never feel safe out here! I do not want to bring things of value out into the world where I can be trampled under foot and torn into pieces!
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I would like to prosper! I would like to be myself!

Ego; When I actually start something; to create something; its hard! Im no good at it! Im blocked! not that smart at it! Im intellectually blocked because I have not given my whole heart to anything! therefore; I dont get in and try hard work and really create something good! I dont believe in myself! its hard! or I do believe in myself but Im afraid Ill be owned! I dont have the character for this type of stuff!
I am a creative person; but trying to apply it in the real world is hard! Im good at dreaming; not so good at creating in the real world! I have potential for fantasizing; they are not the same things!
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Being a creator in the real world is a hard thing; I thought it would be easy! because its not easy; I quit! Ive found that quitting is not so easy either; it sucks being a quitter! I would rather be a creator but its way over my head! so; I have to slow down and learn how to do this; to create something simple that is pleasing! Not so easy for me! I want stardom; I dont want to work for it; thats risky, I might loose something! but then, Im like this in everything I do!
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Women; and not taking chances with anyone! I chicken out!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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