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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Im scared; Im waking up!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 15, 2015 12:49 am

Im really scared; Ive been here before! When I tied to wake up in the past and no one was their for me and I was all alone! Completely! And this happened several times and I was in other cities where I was alone with no one, day after day, month after month, year after year! And no one! Until I went insane!
Im waking up again! This time; I have state help and a place to live and food help! And clothing! I have 12 step groups lots of them and counseling and psych groups! And God and cool places like this to write my feeling out and possibly help out by answering to others posts! I primarily like blogging though!

I blog on several different sites!

Im about to go to a 12 step Harvest Dinner thing! Those women bring about 1000 different dishes of all kinds of goodies! Its like nothing you can imagine! Its like 35 different types of turkey dinner combinations!

Today, I bring something myself; Im bringing a pumpkin pie! In the old days; I just could not! I could not participate! I could show up! That was about all!

So, I have events to go to!

Women;

Im a nice guy! And I think I need to find other places with nice people! The people I meet; they are so cool, they don't see me! I mean nothing to them! And they want nothing to do with me! They are looking for social status! And Im not that!

Im not sure what this means!

I know that women have a hard time of it! I know that men have no real idea of just how hard it is for them! I know because of what Ive read about it! And Ive learned a few things! Like; safety is the most important thing to a women! For a man; I can go anywhere! And I can fight! For women; it's a different story!

Anyway! The problem I have is; women are looking for a man to take care of himself and her! And I simply am not able to take care of her! I cant!

Most of the women Ive met don't want me! I have to many problems and insecurities! Im either to aggressive or to weak!

Im a decent person; Im not weak or strong! Iim in the middle! Its called decency! And people with decency do not need to judge according to weak or strong!

Ill have to talk to God about it!

Im not interested in women that have to have all this status and control!

IT seems Im lucky as I wake up! At least I have something! But I don't have any personal relationships!

Im still to ripped apart!

As for women! They are not looking for someone like me! I Think they are looking for someone with money that will take care of them!

Ive fooled a few women into believing Im one of those " confident middle class solid money holders"! But Im not!

Most women; after a while, when they realize Im no more fun or interesting; they simply write me of as a weakling, treat me with a kind of superior contempt and go on their way! I have no answers for this!

ITs attraction; not promotion!
Im afraid the person they see on the outside is not the person I am on the inside! I must be around people that are interested in me on the inside!

A truck driven country boy; I guess I am at heart! But in reality, Im a nerd artist intellectual type! Yet, I haven't had a chance to use it or develop it; mental illness has gotten in the way!

So, the women's thing is scary because of the emotions needed!

Im very confused! I think I need to go to other places to meet knew people! Intellectual places!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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