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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Im not showing up but I am taking it to God

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Mar 24, 2021 5:21 am

Im a coward.
Im a coward that does not show up but I tell God and show up to God.
I wait to make sure things are safe and in many cases; they are not; I wait and watch and wait to see; I do this with women all the time and most of the time they reveal themselves and this tells me about who I might be taking an interest in; and thus; I walk away.
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From the general persons view; it looks as if Im just walking away... It seems odd to some. But in reality; they have proven to be unsafe and ive discovered what they may do 6 months down the line; they were never faithful in the first place.
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Women in the past; 1500 months ago; showed up around me; but their behavior indicated to me they were not safe; they were players or opportunists. And so; I did not take a chance with them... Ill pray about it over n over. And usually something happens.
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concerning the women that liked me. suddenly another man came on the seen and swept her off her feet. He was an evil person.. a young man; evil; no boundaries; nothing. She was fine with him. It was Gods way of putting up a red flag for me. I never did like her. Meaning; I never fell for it; not from the beginning. but I was in love with her. I dont know why; But I do. But it seemed to be impossible. I saw her tonight. She did not seem to care if she saw me. It mattered not to her.. She didnt seem to be under any stress about it one way or the other; nothing... Why would I want to spend my time with someone like that... Why would God create a person like that for me. Is that really what Im asking God for... That seems awfully mean of me to say; its heartbreaking for me to say it. Because I loved her; something about her. But after a certain amount of time; they give up on me and move on; they dont care. Its as if theirs no real way to interact with them and be at my level of value; impossible or they dont really care... They just dont care.
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This girl I liked; it was a waist of time. Im not sure God ever asked me to like her; she just showed up liking me. I took it to God and have never gotten any decent response yet. Its as if God is telling me to hide... hide away; dont go near the person.
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She is unavailable on purpose... thats the betrayal. Its not worth it for them it seems.. I can see her leaving me for any amount of other men; she would never stay faithful to me. I dont believe it.. not for a second. ever!
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So; Im working with God to get rid of any feelings I had for her. Im not sure why I had any in the first place; non of this makes any sense to me... nothing here does.
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Having girlfriends that are un trustworthy is a waist of time...
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Ive never had a real girlfriend ever; never. Ive never had anyone that I said; " I like you". and I wanted to go places with them. never. I was missed by no one.
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Number one issue; Keep visualizing my first love... keep it up. keep re writing the narrative in my imagination...
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Music; Its taken a step forward... I dont know what that means.... I have to learn what it feels like to love doing it so I can give it away... I have to love doing it... learn to love doing it... believe its possible.
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ITs grown within my imagination; its showing up and I feel healthier toward it...
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The point is; its taken a step forward... So music is growing.
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Women; Nothing... No real forward movement.... in my imagination; no other place in reality. Nothing. Im defending myself in 12 step groups.
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Wait; thats not true. Ive had massive growth this last week; what am I saying.
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I guess I was speaking for this week. Music took a leap forward this week; I thought maybe women would take a leap forward and it didnt...
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The girl in the meetings that did like me now has no respect for me; she is on the other side; the side of evil. She tried to make fun of me tonight while my back was turned; I turned around and looked at her while standing up; She got another girl and left the room.. Thats who Im in love with? I have to ask God what happened here; What needs to change; Im living in Snowwhite land; Im not living in reality. Im expecting marginal people to be princes's; Its not their problem; Im bent on making them into who ever I need them to be instead of who and what they are; and Im mad when they dont turn out to be who I wanted them to be; but in this case; Im horrified... I could have never been so wrong.
She already went out with another guy long ago... and I dont want any part of this... I just want out; Im talking to God to find out how I can stop taking any interest in this person and chalk it up to being wrong. I dont like admitting this....

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Ill keep working on both subjects...
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I guess im grieving my the loss of several people.
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I guess Im grieving the loss of this girl in the meetings. I wanted so badly for her to be safe and someone I could have a relationship but I was wrong... dead wrong... 100% wrong; and that bothers me. How could I be so wrong; How could I attract someone like that....
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I really; as I wake up; I really have to look at this; Im not sober when Im thinking about these women; Im not sober; they are not the right kind of people for me; I cant mold them or bake them or cake them with frosting; it wont change anything.. They have no values... very little ethics..
They dont value me at all; dont seem to miss me; dont care if they ever see me again and didnt ever really know my value to start with.
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Ill have to see where God leads Mel I cant go out with corrupted women; I have no interest in dating poison.
It seems like an epidemic out here of corruption. I suppose if one made 200,000 or more a year their would be no complaints; Im just following God; and I wait and watch and they become corrupted or were corrupt; No one of a corrupt nature wants to waist their time on someone like me... Im a kind of irritant in their plans in their side. Thy dont take me seriously; they want to brush me off and focus on more smoother corrupt interests at heart... So; they have a heart; but its plans are evil and to do evil and to get corruption.
Funny; No one told me I would be stopped by corruption; the people pursuing me or interested in me are corrupt. This is a sickening kind of enemy at which Ill have to work with God concerning. Women using their natural possessions to lure the best man they can according to goods n services; What kind of house; what do they look like,. how much money.. what kind of car.. What kind of family money; Nothing else. Nothing God directed; Nothing. It leaves me with a find of inner terror and confusion and insecurity and fear; a different base biology based fear at the core. These are sickening corrupted plants; these women.... of no interests to my development as a person. Nothing; they are counter productive. And Im not sure they have to be this way.
IVe fallen in love with women from my heart; only to find it was the wrong person to put out anything energy on. Its a different kine of problem; The decent part of the human experience; their heart hooked up to right n wrong and to God has no value; in fact; its no connected; the connection has been pulled out by the roots.. It serves no purpose for them in this modern age. People like my self are left in perplexing times.
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Im thrown away as a nuisance because Im not interested in corruption; the corrupt find me boring; they find me useless to their cause; a snag that must be dealt with; like a thorn hanging off their clothing that keeps scratching them when it flys back against their skin.. they swagger and the thorn is felt as it bounces to n fro......
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The goal is to get that pesky thorn off their clothing so they can continue their salesmen presentation without interruption.
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Ill continue to work with God... Its a shame; its sad for me. few times; I actually love the girl or am deeply in love with her as someone to marry... no avail; worthless; even if she liked me at first; soon she finds better prospects and I just watch; she throws away her God given directed interests she started with and begins to focus on something better created by the world but abhorred by God...
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The corrupt see God fearing people and awareness of God; see them as weaklings not worth the fight or the effort or even acquaintance... One might say the decent person is; Let GO! they are gotten rid of so this corrupt person can expand into new uncharted territory.. ITs sickening for me...
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I finally just leave. Ive been around women where Ive brought up the idea of heart; at first they were longing for it;. Now; They are angry or enraged that I would bring it up because it gets in the way of their greater worldly interests...
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dating corrupt people wont do; it wont work... I just wont... I think they fool God; they start out with the idea of calling out to God to be loved by someone; but when that person shows up; its not free. Theirs a price.. Quality costs; its not free...
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When the person who has called out to God receives the person they are to be with; they know it; but quickly once seeing the cost; they go astray to someone better but Godless. They find the Godless more Enticing... The decent person is discarded for the more excitingly ruthless person. The corrupt cant tell the difference.. The corrupt date the Godly and the unGodly and cannot see a difference... Its sickening.. The corrupt might start out with good intent but soon the world Entices them and charms them... The Godly are discarded for the unGodly and with all corrupt intent...
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Its a horrible thing to be in love with a corrupt person who is not showing corruption yet or complete corruption. Im going through such things now. Im almost completely held in contempt and looked at like a weakling. Im treated with no respect; in fact that word does not exist.. Its nowhere in the vocabulary of these people.
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Im not sure how I ended up falling in love with someone who is corrupt; I think I made a mistake by even allowing any kind of interaction. I should have walked away immediately. I hurts so badly; but; I take it to God and ask Gods direction for it. Its all so very confusing; all of it...
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At some point the corrupt are no longer being called by God; it all vanishes; and they are back to their old ways... Its my job to move on and forget about them; just one more down; one more corrupt person I vanquished from my presence... in order to stay safe. I wish it wasn't so; I wish I could attract a decent person. Ill have to work with God on this... Instead of someone masquerading as a decent person.
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So; the long haul; Music; getting to a point where Im back. I can feel and see the controllers of sexual abuse; thats what in the way; that and a whole lot of other stuff; Im not protected. So; I have to work through someone touching me and me not being able to fight back; and being in someone elses house and not my childhood house. and having no parents; I was abandon. and dealing with all of that... I dont really know where Im from because of all that.
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So; the goal is to work through all of that until I get to a point of being able to create music and perform it; This is not going to be easy... But its happening; I dont know what it will take to break through.
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Next; the girl from the meetings; I thought about walking up to her; shaking her hand and saying hi; but the problem is; she is not who I thought she was; its been a long time and she already gone out with other guys and Im a second thought idea if that.. maybe a fleeting irritation from the past; that is all. And it hurts. Time has past; shes moved on. I have not even started and I have to let go of her and still work through other time periods to even get close to her. It seriously may require the development im looking at will happen with other people. Wont happen with her; and Ill have to pray about that. She may have only had one used; and that was to talk to for about 7 minutes; twice last summer in a 2 day period with a whole lot of other people; and thats it..
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The problem was; I was at a meeting yesterday and she happen to be their and I have unconditional love for her. Im really in love with her and always will be; In a sense. However; with Gods help; I can break that... Ive dont it before with other people. She chose to go with someone else in front of me instead of finding a way to make something work with me. the minute she crossed that line; that was it. completely. Nothing has really changed. These are not the people to be practicing on. Im not sure how she ended up as someone I would fall for; I look back and wonder because this did not work out right. I never trusted this person and obviously for good reason. The reality is; this person is gone; has been gone from my personal; situation for almost a year and a half; and Im suddenly showing up and acting like something is going to happen when in reality's shes already checking out other guys... And Im just intruding on it... And she did not expect to see me ever again and could careless; and Ive been written off. On the other hand; if I give her attention and show her Im interested in her; maybe she might take some interest; but God is trying to protect me.. Not get me played by someone who doesn't know better.
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This is going to sound a bit strange; but Im interfering in this womens life when I think she owes me something and she is checking out other guys; I need permission to enter her life; not just walk on board. O Man; that opened some stuff up; because that is exactly the way Ive been talking; like we've had something going on; we had nothing going on. If I want something going on with her; I need to walk up to her politely and see if she wants to sit and talk some time; have coffee; get to know each other. technically; I dont even get to comment on the guy she dated in the park last year; I had nothing going on with her.
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Ill pray about it; its all a sign of me slowly coming back to reality... If that; I mean; its worse then that.. lots worse...
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Things are changing now... are they.. I mean; not yet.. I mean; Im on the verge of change; but not through those people.
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The key is to take it all to God and let God protect me... and bring the right situations up to speed. Im not up to speed with women yet; It seems music is coming up to speed slowly; bit by bit. We will see... Im closer but the pain level is amplified; horrible; Im seeing that teacher in six grade; hack me several times for nothing; just spit because I stood up to his corruption; worthless sociopaths in the school systems...
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So I'm seeing abusers..;.
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I lost my brother; he died; Ill have to keep working on that...

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eVERYTHING IS strange right now; a psychopath; really young guy has been stalking me or bothering me at meetings. He ended up going out with this girl that liked me but I couldnt function for 6 months; he stepped in and took her out right in front of me. They both did this in front of me.
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I saw the girl yesterday; and realized I was in love with her. but Im not stupid; its up to God; to bring them to me; not me go to them. Im not doing that anymore; and I didnt get the idea she was to interested in me; She treated me like I was a weakling and she was checking other guys out. and it seemed when I left; suddenly she was happy and laughing until I got back. So; I feel like I got written off a long long time Ago; but I dont know... thats the problem; I keep working with the universe wondering what this is all about... ive only got one life; why is this happening.
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My brother died; starved to death in a field; military vet; PTSD/home life as a child; contributed; he was set up by his mother the psychopath to fail; she did a job on him and is responsible for the monster mind that got him into this situation in the first place; I wont go into it; They are horrible dangerous murder'rs; psychopaths...
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So; Im not sure what is going on. Im doing better but not sure what is real and what isn't.. I dont think that girl has any value for me; but I have for her... and that wont work... Ill keep taking it to God So I can find out what to do here.
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ll just work with God on all of this stuff... I just dont get it.. any of this...
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So; Im going through a lot of stress. As for the girl; I did realize from the meeting yesterday that I am in love with her. Was I suppose to know this... is that what this is all about... ?????????? Im trying to understand what God wants from me; what im suppose to do.
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My idea from God; let God protect me and stay put; I dont get it...

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I have another brother who is a sociopath; not safe...
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Im wondering what is going on here.........
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Ill continue to work with God on this.......
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The stress is through the roof.
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As I think about that girl; the answer is no way... She should have never gone out with someone right in front of me like that and I think she has no remorse; could care less... Nothing... She loved the power It gave her. I just need to stay clear of these people; all of them... after seeing her at the meeting; I dont think she could care less if she ever saw me again. She had a kind of animosity in her eyes when seeing me. The truth means nothing to these people...
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Ill keep trusting and working with God....
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God will bring the right people to me. I have to remember this;
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The number 1 goal is working through my first loves new narrative within my imagination; that is the number one issue; until it is easy to walk through my mind to her and open up to her and give her gifts and sit down and talk to her and tell her anything about how I feel and make out with her and love on her and marry her if I want to... That is the number one goal; nothing else.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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