So; I was on a boat with girls( women); and I was shy and withdrawn; and shutting down from being triggered from CPTSD. I stay shocked and shut down; I had a few friends show up and help; it was suggested to me to go with a smaller group of guys; wingmen. and stay with them; I had to ask for that.
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As for the women on the boat; I was not the type; I was shy and withdrawn and not mature enough for it. Im an introvert. I got traumatized. Those people were much more advanced in that area. I just wanted a girlfriend; I did not want to dance over no over and waist my time with it. I just wanted to withdraw and get off the boat; because; I hadn't done the footwork; Im not God.
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The big issue right now is; I hadn't done the foot work; Im not God.
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I belong to allot of 12 step groups and spiritual groups; Im not alone; but that does not mean socially Im OK; Im separated from most; Im just learning how to apply some ideas out into the real world; and its scary and Im fearful. Im scared to death. I shut down.
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Others are way advanced socially; able to take their shirts of and have fun. I am not; Im scared and bashful. And Im into recovery and not playing games.
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if I want more; if I want more confidence and want to take my shirt off; I have to do the footwork to become what I want to become. I will be around chosen people; not the wrong people. Steady and reliable people is what Im interested in. Ill bow out of everyone else; Ill recede because I dont compete with them. Ill stay away from them.
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I mentioned women on boats with bikines; im not ready for that; probably never will be; just doesn't work for me; I have no business being their. let the beautiful people play on those shores; Im introverted and trying to learn how to be an artist again. I have no business being in boats or beaches acting. I dont want to act; I have not earned the right to it because I did not do the foot work for it; God can do it; but I have to do the footwork.
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So; Im a guy that has to prepare for doing footwork for what I want; not want others tell me I should want to look good in front of them. So; Im receding; and those Im getting away from dont seem to mind if they never see me again; and I never knew this about them; I was stupid to trust them... So; Im learning to trust God. Im very confused tho...
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I have to stick to one or the other. Meaning; I have a higher power; and I have to learn to trust that higher power. I have to learn to work with that higher power and do what Im suppose to do with that higher power and stay away from what my higher power is not suggesting; its about obedience......
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I mentioned about women because thats a big deal with me; no work has been done in the real world; so thats where Im heading; but Im not a worker yet; and thats my direction; doing the footwork because Im not God.
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Ok; I've talked about inadequacies with women; But its not about dealing with women; I have the same problems doing art work...
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Art work;
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I would like to buy a digitizer for my computer; a digital tablet for art; an expensive one because if I have it Ill be a better artist and what ever Im in denial about will go away. ultimately Im scared; scared to take action; resentments and fear and pain.. and sadistic abuse is waiting for me... thats how it feels; grief; Ill feel grief of loss....
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The point is; the same problems I have with women; the shyness is the same shyness with doing art work. Same problem exposing myself and getting started.
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Train sets;
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I have the same problems with train sets I have with art and women; the answer to what Im looking for is over my head. I live in a small apartment and I dont know where to put a train set; the reality is; its to big; I could get a smaller train but that might not be fun. Or I could try a smaller train; but Im not willing and angry that I dont get what I want the way I want it so Im not interested but I am interested; I wanted a train set for my room. So I have to put it on hold because the answers are to mature and scary for me; to much reality. Same with women; same with Art; creating art.
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Altimately Im closer to my answers by knowing that Im not God so I have to do the footwork. That is all I know at the present.
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