I get it; its going to take allot of work; Ive got lots of time periods coming up from the past Im re living through PTSD; and Im trying to express myself over the top of those time periods. I mean; this is a good thing; Im now attempting to express myself during these horror episodes... to express myself to others...
.
What does this mean; it means expressing myself the way I want to; the way I did when I was a kid when I had a house as a child. It means expressing the feelings I would have expressed around that girl I was going to marry when young. I means getting help and getting the right friends to hang out with who are educated enough to understand.
.
My whole life was cut off from itself.
.
It means practicing what I want to say to a women who likes me and shows up so I dont freeze up around her.
.
I lost the last women who liked me because I could not talk to her; I mean it; it scared me or my voice was shoved down my throat and I never approached her or talked to her; that was 1 year ago. Today; the same women wont even acknowledge me today; And thats fine with me; I dont need her. I will need the ability to open up to women again with my feelings so I can interact to find the right women for dating... So; I have to open up and be at new places and stuff and meet new people; and keep working with God on all of this stuff... Im already seizing up as I write this; but Im getting it; Im half dissociative while I write this so I have allot of work to do while in front of others close up and telling my feelings.
.
I have no power around women; I go completely flat as if Im being abused; no self worth or esteem; Im intimidated... all emotions run for cover and I freeze up.... I was abandon horribly; cant describe the horror; unbelievable.
.
No self worth or self esteem
The other personalities show up and I have no self worth or self esteem; nothing; zero; when around women or up close talking to them... Nothing. I lost the ability to believe a women would ever have any interest in me if she knew me. However, she does see me as a freak because I never talk to them and Im silent. But I also do this because something tells me she is not safe but something tells me she is my soulmate; many things tell me she is... So; I am on the right track.
Im scared she wont like me and I freeze up; and at that moment I have to tell her this stuff and keep working with God on learning how to get my voice and my soulmate to come out of me again and connect with her; that is what Im working on... And to believe again... that is the hardest part with PTSD running through my nervous system.
.