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Consumer 6
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Im in new territory!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 10, 2013 4:59 am

The girls from the meeting are making me stay awake..

My dissociative disorder is getting disordered.

So, the sister that I thought liked me, then didn't like me, turns things around, yet avoids me and runs away from me, then later, I sit close to her at a meeting, and she stares at me as I sit.. She likes me. However, what does that mean. does that mean she has a boy friend. I don't know. Im so paranoid... Ive been told that Im working through my junior high years with women. I get crushes and don't know what to do. I certainly freak when Im out in the parking lot and the girl I have interest in is 30 feet away. Im scared to death, that if I approach her she will leave thinking Im a stalker. Its horrible. I have to keep working on all of this and learn to accept that many people will come and go before I get better or well enough for complete interaction.

( THe new girl at the meetings) One of the sisters, the older!
At the meeting she is chairing, I ignore her as usual, I sit at a far area of the room. A desk is in the corner, I get my art work out and start drawing. Next thing I now, she is standing in front of me and tells me she has come to see my art work like she had mentioned weeks ago.

I looked at her like " what are you doing here and what do you want"! I did not want games.. I flashed some pictures at her and told her we were done.. She left a bit mad and sat down. I assumed she was done with me!
Her sister starts talking and I pay attention, I liked what she had to say!

Out of the corner of my eye the first sister turned her head towards me a mile a minute from the far desk to see if Im looking at her; at that moment Ive been looking at her sister!

Her younger sister stares at me while Im staring at her while she is talking, and she starts staring back and smiling with no breaks...

They both seem to like me! Now what! This is all I can take!

At the end of the meeting, the second sister( younger) jumps to the other side of the room where I am about to stand up, I stand up, walk over and this sister is right next to me. I put my arm around her for the closing.
This sister starts to squirm when the closing is over, and runs away, she then turns towards me, with a strange avoidance dance, especially moving her head and hips... She is so young, Ive almost forgot about this dance..

I see God in this! possibly for many of us playing this game... I certainly am going to learn to deal with these 2 sisters. I do not know if they really want me or a date from me or like me. I know nothing! Im not sure if they are single. The great thing is at some point, I hope to get close enough to ask them! They are both cute girls... And the asking part is part of my training to the next step. And it is a horribly scary thing! I have this sick feeling like there going to scream and call the police if I get near them!

I have to trust God!

Im learning that its not all about me! Just because you say you've never had friends, does not mean your going to talk to me! I might be in close proximity of the conversation, however, this does not mean Ive been invited... You may think Im a freak, and want nothing to do with me!

Later that night at the night meeting, I sat down in the corner, the older sister is a few chairs away!

I notice this older sister look at me as I sit down. She watched me the whole time, she likes me! I have no idea what this means in reality. She could have a boy friend and is playing a game. People do strange unethical things. She could be looking for attention and not care how it effects me!

Her younger sister is in the room yet, does not care to see me or look at me; nothing, I don't matter.

What does it all mean! Well, It means Im getting practice and learning in the real world with real people. It means, the more I practice in the real world, soon I will not need the therapist anymore.

AVPD: what a nightmare!

I do not know that the older sister has a boy friend ( she is the one that likes me). I have not asked her! Yet, Ive gotten angry about it because I saw her with a man that visits on the weekends, he comes to the meetings. I was sure they were dating and I was being viciously played.

At the night meeting tonight, I noticed this man sitting next to the older sister ( the one that likes me)! I didn't care, However, I knew it!, I knew something was to good to be true. He was there next to her! I didn't seem to care, I felt God was allowing me a learning situation and its all interaction in the end. I need to be careful tho, thats what I thought!

As the meeting closed I noticed something strange, " that wasn't her boyfriend, that was a kid skateboarder sitting next to her" I had created a mountain out of a dirt pile. AVPD is responsible for this. I get freaked and way over board with unreality. I panic with ideas of rejection and abandonment.

Another cute girl came up to me at the end of the meeting.. I said hi, she said hi. I mentioned something to her, she said she had been in town the last 5 months. I never knew. I almost asked her out for coffee.

I stopped and analyzed what had happened with this last girl! I had a complete interaction, I asked questions of interest, held my own, and the conversation was opened up enough to ask her out. Im not sure what stopped me, I became self conscious. So, Im getting much better. Im able to say hi, and hang in! However, longer conversations are hard.

OUtside at the back of the church at the end of the meeting:

I went outside to hang out at the back. A friend of mine is always there, although he gets tired of me hanging on him! He's my support block when Im all alone in social-vill. A women walks over to both of us. I am nervous. She stays for a few minutes, she is board with us and leaves to the next group a few feet away! This is the first time a women has hung out with me or next to me in years. Its a very strange site.

I definitely have fears and issues surrounding my worth with women! Its sad. I hope to get over it!

I will have to write on it in more depth at some point.

I have to remember: Da! I have dissociative Disorder, the fact Im out of my apartment is a miracle.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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