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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (947)
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- July 2019
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Im getting very close!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat May 13, 2017 10:20 pm

Im very close;
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The last time I had stability in my life; I was about 12 or 10 or 11, I had half stability! I was given away to relatives!
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I was later raped by these people and thrown away! I had no other place to go! The only stable person that appeared in my life was my father! he was a fake; and it was fraudulent! he was a sociopath; and a potential serial rapist! A predator! I had no idea of this when young! The sociopath will allow children to get near them because the children accept them; no one else will, no adults; adults see through the scam and wont get near them! I didn't start seeing problems until I was 7 years old; and then I started to hear the cowardly voice of this predator! At the time I did not understand! He would force sex upon my mother; I used to listen to him; and it; it meant nothing to me; I was to young for it to mean anything to me! I thought it was strange.
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later, at the ages of 10; I thought I had a best friend; he was no friend! he was a rich snob that was and had been looking for a way out of my association with him; His parents allowed me to come over to his house; they did not want me! He did not want me; but I didnt know about him; what he was like; I was 2 young! In fact, it took me along to time understand what type of relationship I was actually having with these people! yet, with a little investigation; the whole thing unfolded quit fast! So, I had no childhood friend As I hoped for! nothing! no friend at all! and the rest of the rich kids shut their doors in my face for good! they dont need to know what my story is; it matters not! they are privileged! They simply slam their doors in your face and never talk to you again!
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So, I had 2 brothers and a grandmother left! My 2 brothers turn out to be destroyed people; on becomes a sociopath with sadistic pushing's! A pure sociopath; bad; no sign of any conscious! nothing! zero. the other brother is similar; he has personality disorder; a kind of pathological state! its a bit sociopathic; but not! not that bad. he is more socially inept. he turns out in life to be much less then his potential, but does not care; acts like everything is OK, when in reality his behavior is insane! deeply sick; but does not need any help for it because he does not question that anything is wrong. And like the sociopath; its hard for them to get help because theirs no conscious to tell them something is wrong with him! So; no support by brothers. These were the 2 supports that I have left! and they are no support! later, they become my enemies by nature of the fact that I have a conscious! The pathological sycophant, the psychopath, the sociopath will not be friends with a person of conscious; not possible. I have my Grandmother left as possible stability! My Grandmother does act as a stability; yet its very horribly contained! I must remember; she brought up my mother; and my mother was a sadistic psychopath; therefore, what could you say about the people that raised her! and unfortunately, they raised me for a long time period! So, no one was left! most of my life; no support! not one person. no one.
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Into the present; Now, Im getting better, and have almost;90% worked through the past in order to leave it! in addition, I have success with my success based thinking programs and books and LOA! Im having success with the techniques used by billionaires for success based thinking applied to my general life experience! Im starting to get back dreams that were taken from me when young; all things were taken from me when young; I was 100% erased! So, anything coming back to me is hard earned; its coming back. I have intent to manifest a goal through a desire; and its working! I am attracting the people and places and things that are rebuilding my interests and my life! Hurray for me; smile!@@@@
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Ive ended up on the street I grew up on. God brought me back to the origins of my life! Im living on the street I grew up on; on the street I was erased as a human being; on the street of the rich where all doors were slammed in my face as if I had never been their; lived their!
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So, Ive done allot of work on myself! I know what happened, who did it; why. I know the kinds of monsters I was dealing with! I know why my schooling was destroyed, I had pure neglect, but never expected it, never saw it coming, because I was born into it and it was already happening to me and had been happing to me for a long long time; all of my life! I never had a chance; I did not know! However, their was a better chance I would die through suicide; so, Im very lucky! and their was a reasonable possibility of being a life long criminal of violent crime and other things; luckily I held on, and this never happened! drugs were a part of it for a time, and alcohol; but this was cut off before it could get more out of control; thank you God! and many other problems!
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The biggest problem I faced is time. almost all of my life was consumed by the damage of my upbringing and work in recovery to render myself back to a working order of possibilities! I've had very little time to be myself and or relationships or activities!
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Im now learning about real women and how to interact with them! My sexual abilities were ruined by my mother and by rape from my Grandfather and what ever else happened to be when very small! most of the women I associated with when very young were monsters or 2 faced! A may have never actually dealt with real normal women! I may have never really interacted with women or made friends with them!
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I will clarify that the women Im describing as monsters are my mother, Grandmother, certain friends mother's, who I dealt with at a later date! I was ran over by these female monsters when still a child! and later into adult hood! Ive never been women to have normal relationships!


The next gaol, after getting over the monsters of the past is to make friends with women; break bread with them; at peace with them; become friends with them! Im looking forward to being around old fashion real people again!
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Im starting to respond to my own life again! This type of behavior is something sought after by parents for their children when coming from a good home! The parents want the children to grow up independently so they have the ability to take care of themselves and build their dreams! No such situation occurred for me; not around the treacherous liars and thieves I came from! And remember, I came from an upper middle class or middle class type of people; but they were fakes! meaning, they looked the part, but were monsters!
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What does the future look like for me; It looks like anything I want to make of it! I know how to set a desire, imagine it, create it, dream it up, and attract it! Im learning. Im taking care of myself and Im seeing independent real results; results in the present from the present.
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biggest issue Im dealing with is women; I have massive defenses up against people; and women are people, so this interferes in my love life and friend life! I will continue to work on it until the defenses drop and I feel I can be myself around women again!
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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