I have some basic level friends; very few; but some and I have to try to fit in and accept them; I am learning; its not ideal. I have plenty of fake friends and those I dont matter to; to much. I mean; they dont need me; they have their needs met. I have false friends; 2 faced people who have turned on me who were going to turn on me all along if I did not get inline with them; I did not get inline with them; they are opportunists. These opportunists were going to turn on me anyway... They thought I and others could be fooled. These opportunists dont really care; they are not honest people in the first place and do not seek out honest people; the world revolves around them and they change their stories continuously to make sure they stay in charge. These are not my kind of people... Its sad because I trusted some of them; I was just getting used by them.
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Im alone; thats what it means. But im not completely alone. I mean; God has brought a few people... maybe. well; a few.
But; Im alone.
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I am getting better and must continue the cleansing work of the past. Im learning how to rewrite stories of the past the way I always wanted the past to look.. .And Ill keep it up; whether concerning women or home or school or work or play or friendships or relatives or my dreams of the future. Im rewriting everything; hopefully Ill get better at this...
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I just want to feel safe and not alone....
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The goal is to connect again and the goal is to reconnect where I was cut off when young; to re experience within my mind a full connection process; for that process was severed and thats all I know; " severed". Im working on re writing that history of being severed but its uncomfortable; I mean really scary to walk up to the edge of that severed state and look down into that abyss...
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Im alone; Ive got a few people maybe but thats it. I will pray about being grateful for this... In the end I have 12 step group people; its a 2 edge sward...
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As for women; maybe. Ive had some women like me but I could not respond; Im rewriting about relationships; hopefully Ill get my spontaneous feelings back; we will see; I know it will happen if thats what I want.