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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Im getting better; what does this mean

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Nov 18, 2013 10:31 am

Some levels of beginning sanity are becoming apparent! Im starting to forgive my mother as if she is at a distance and not inside me! Im gaining sanity in my living situation! things are clean, rooms are clean, I have a system that is working. My clothing is getting washed! I use sport detergent and hang them on the rack to dry! I can wash them anytime and I do not have to go out to the laundry matt.

At the meetings; pretty girls that are interested in me have less control over me; they are sick and Im starting to take no interest. Im taking no interest in others at these meetings; instead, I want to run! this is a sign of sanity! Im not so needy for manipulators! ITs principles over personalities, and Im starting to see things differently. Im less tailorable of idiots taking advantage of me that I collect love and attention.

I was roll playing my mother again! I would relive my relationship with her through others. Many people took advantage of this! However, I am loosing interest in the need for this; I have worked through this! I am forgiving her. This suggests she is at a distance and not controlling me. To practice forgiveness is a sign the person is at a distance and I do not need them anymore, they are free to go!

Im interested in meeting people that are nice; people like myself; Im not willing to settle for less.

Im interested in my geographical surroundings! I grew up in this area! I came back to die, to kill myself. That is not what happened; after 20 years of recovery work, Im getting better, and just starting to feel a strange independence from the horrors of my past and the PTSD world that engulfs my mind.

As my mind regains strength, I see myself being as I was as a child; independent. Its not perfect situation. However, growth is occurring! and Im becoming more "on my own"

Im noticing less interest in sick people. I do not have to associate with manipulators. I do not need to attract them and they do not need to know me!

Im interested in finding others like myself!

My surroundings used to trigger all PTSD stuff. Now, I believe it might be possible to " be here again" in this little town, as I was 40 years ago!

ITs sad as I look back! my stability was from those around me that I believed loved me and wanted me around. What a horrible nightmare when I found out no one loved me and I was a complete stranger. This little town became a ghost town! Now Im getting used to the idea that I can learn to love this place as I did as a kid with knowing the original players are gone and will never return. It hurts a great deal..

Im glad my mother is gone! She was not safe for children! she was a dangerous person! She should have been locked up in jail and had the key thrown away! I do not regret not knowing her! She was a stranger most of the time! I regret knowing anything about this person! I hate people that hurt children! These sociopaths should be killed on the spot! Taken to the town square and beaten to death; this would solve allot of problems in a community! These type of people cause more problems destroying the general public then a war!

I desperately would like new people to associate with! Im not sure who or what or where! I have to keep forgiving until I become that person I want to be around.

I must trust God and keep working with God to become a human being again!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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