First; off topic; Im hurt from not having a best friend; My best friend when a child was faking it; I never knew; he wasn't just faking it; it was premeditated; he and his family were ruthlessly using me. I meant nothing to them; nothing at all; I was lower the dirt to them; much lower; nothing; I was their so they used me; its that simple; They were wealthy people and they wanted their son socialized; he had 5 sisters; so they used me to do it. I never knew; he knew from the start; I simply had no idea. Ive gotten over some of it; but I may never get over it; what these people do to people in this society... Im over it or what ever; it just hurts so much; its unbelievable. I thought him closer then a brother; I thought he had the highest regard for me; if he did he would above Been correct; he should have been. It was just the opposite; I was just being scammed; nothing else... He was a complete scammer stranger when I got older; I thought he was still my friend; but he had never been friends with me in the first place. So it didnt matter. I didnt know. it would have been better if I had never met those corrupt people; horrible just horrible.
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Anyway; Im trying to get over a trauma bond attached to some narcissist chick I knew of in a meeting. I never really talked to her or got close to her but we seemed to have some kind of connection. It wasn't a game for me but it was for her. I immediately saw how many men she would give attention to and pulled away from her every time; that much more; I completely stopped any looking at her or anything; I completely ignored her from the start but made it even more complete after what I saw. ..
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When I thought about asking her out maybe; or approaching her; she had another man lined up at the same time and started courting him right in front of me; Unbelievable. Horrifying.
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So; Ive been trying for a long time to forget her but I couldn't. I felt a kind of love for her sorta; a kind of fake love? or I dont know... Dream love; I dont know; wishful thinking; I dont know.
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After watching her date someone else in front of me; that was 2 much; I simply pulled back and would never think about going anywhere near someone like that ever again. Once n a while id see her at meetings; Id ignore her; she would look at me with those poor; I love u eyes; like she Was broken up inside; she didnt seem that way while she was dating that other guy and bringing him in the rooms while I was their; she seemed to have no remorse; nothing. She could care less who I was.
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She tried to say hello to me over n over; but she would also give other men attention; and I just backed out and backed away over n over; because she was playing me and then other men if I didnt respond to her. She finally tried to say hello for the last time and that was that. She didnt seem to question her own behavior;. Nothing; I walked away and stayed to myself; I wanted nothing to do with her. I want even less now. or do I.
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Ive written about this all year long but now its different because I want to move on; its not just remorse or grieving or trauma bond; I mean; a trauma bond is keeping me from moving on and Im very close to moving on; this whole things has been completely humiliating from the start. Ive tried to honer God and myself through this; at least Im talking to God and trying to do his will; Im staying under Gods direction; praying for the courage to be under Gods direction and telling the universe to bring me only safe women of quality and no one else. Nothing else.
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So; Im not sure what is going on accept Im getting nowhere with all of this; its a stupid waist of my time and was from the beginning; a giant game; thats all this is...
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My number one issue with women is simple; I have to feel safe; and Ive not met one women I can feel safe with or that I trust; nothing; What does this mean; it means Ive got to meet better class of people; thats what it means; Im scared to be judged.
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I like soulmates; I manifest them; she was definitely a soulmate from Hell... I just want out; now Im trying to work through this strangle hold of a trauma bond; its got a hold of me like a wall standing in my way I cant break through of. Im sick off it; Im so close to letting all of this go and moving on to something new; Im right in the middle of the struggle to do this; makes me damn mad all of this waisted life and energy on this stupid nonsense... I hate it; waist of time.
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Im working with God on this to let go and start working toward something new again. I hate these F__cking trauma bonds; hat'm.
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Frustration.... Frustrating
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My mind wants to go back. im like. NO YOU DONT! its like a tug a war......... come on. I go to sleep and remember something positive; but its not real; and its not really positive; it never happened the way Im imagining it. IT didn't; Im lying to myself and everyone around me; Im making it up. Im taking bits n pieces of moments of her looking at me or walking by and making it into something that was never really their.. its all a lie... Its in my imagination; I never asked her out; never did anything; I chose not to but I never moved on from their and possibly thats what Im mad about; So; now im trying to move on and I cant or wont or its to hard or Im thrown out on the ground again to start over and I dont want to. But I want out of that part of my brain that has captured me and wont seem to let me go from reliving all this fake nonsense that never really happened. As I said; I just pieced things together and formed an opinion about it; nothing really happened; nothing really exists and I think this girl knows this and is and has played on it from the beginning; its just a big game for people like this because their bored... her and her boyfriend. Its all murky... I dont want to caught up in her and her boyfriend anymore; Im so damn tired of it; really.
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The goal is to move on; but the PTSD surrounding all this is heavy... I mean its bad news; lots of past PTSD triggered all over the place; new scenes of the old and flashbacks lasting for long periods of time.