Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Im beginning to understand

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm

m here in this small town because my childhood was in this small town and it was stolen from me; who stole it? psychopaths; they knew what they were doing; and why and how to set someone up; a child to take a fall. They cared nothing for me.. In fact; looking back at my childhood; my father was barely ever around. I did not realize it until now; to the extent of being neglected. If my father was around; he didn't want to be bothered; I was allowed to watch or hang around him while he was doing things; working on skies, or outside raking or mowing the lawn or a few other things; but not much more then that. In fact; that may be the only time I was around him;I ever saw him; sometimes he was watching TV. I would watch with him. Looking back on it; this is is no father; He was not doing anything for me; I simply joined him when he was doing things for himself. I didnt really see him that often.
I didn't realize; the few times I was around him; he was doing things only for himself pathologically; I was tagging along; As I have said before in my blogs; we were skiers. However, when looking back on it; Not so! First; his wife payed for his skiing; all of it. And for ours; she did this because she did not want to blow her cover as a house wife; she was a psychopath looking for a host; she made a mistake when marring her second or third husband; my father. He was a host like the others. He did not know he was her host; he would fight with her to get her to aline with his needs; she was passive aggressive; and she did not know he was a sociopath. She wouldn't do it. She was not acting like a house wife; he could not understand this. The point about the skiing; He needed someone to go skiing; he was not taking us for are development. And at a later date ill express more stories of what happened with my father.
Back to the story!
The reason I write this blog; Im in this town because of the house I lived in as a child; my childhood house. That is what this is about; and what to do about it. How to negotiate it; How to align with it without having to live in it; but still needing to believe Im living their from my memories. Trying to get back to a place as if Im aligned with it; as if Im living their again in 1970; altho this is 1970. I can do this enough I think; get my memories back and get aligned with it to identify with it. And its already happening; but allot will be required…. The child in me is already waking up a bit; The problem is the jump; from the old to the the new; the new is now; and I dont live in that neighborhood. I have to work through this; keep adjusting that I can come back to who I am.
Im getting used to the neighborhood again. Im riding or walking my bike through the neighborhood. Why is this important; because it suggests that I used to live in this neighborhood and grew up and graduated from it; as if completion occurred. Thats the idea; to simulate this new idea that I never left the neighborhood. So; that means I got the proper support outside the neighborhood to complete my experience in the neighborhood. What does this mean. Its as if I grew up through my teen years in this neighborhood and completed this situation to about 20 years old; thats the visualization Im creating. and then more grown up; I can moved on; as if I had never left the neighborhood. A smooth operation from childhood to adulthood and beyond in this neighborhood. Why is this neighborhood so important to me; well; first because my higher power the universe has me right where Im suppose to be. I am suppose to work on my recovery work; and this neighborhood is the place for it. And the neighborhood is the recovery work.
I was destroyed in my childhood. In reality; I was always being destroyed from the day I was born. However, a strange fluke occurred; the psychopath took a meandering turn into a neighborhood; a place of easy access for work; where the psychopath could walk to work; and that was the only reason for being in that neighborhood. For me tho; it was like heaven; like someone had loved me personally and wanted me to be happy and succeed. Unfortunately these were the lies shoved into a Childs innocent head; that someone loved me or cared about my future; no one did. I was completely alone and didnt know it..
While being in this neighborhood; And I did not know this at the time; I was being neglected; most aspects of my life; schooling and future development; I was not aware of this because I was in nursery school 8 hours a day; and then kindergarten and the first grade. In reality; these institutions where taking care of me most of the day; when I went home; at the age of 5; I would go to my friends house. I met someone in first grade and from the start; I spent most of my time at his house. never really going home accept at night. At my home; I got up in the morning; went to school; came home; watched TV, saw what I wanted to watch on tv at night; played the drums; went out to the backyard and played. ate dinner, or called my best friend and went to his house for most of the rest of the evening; he had 5 sisters and a mother and father and a big house; so I hung out their. It never occurred to me that I was living their; they made reference to that; that I was living their or another member of the family; I never really saw it that way; I was having a good time; but still; soon, I begin to be respectful of any place to go; because I was getting nothing from where I was living; in fact; it was worse then that. Their was nothing where I was living; no one was helping me with anything; nothing human. It was like being dropped off into an empty building. And I remember being at my friends house and hanging on emotionally; I was getting nothing from his mother or father because they were strangers; so; I observed; thats the best I could do;
At first when I met my best friend; I was ok for the first years; but after that; I was more desperate because I was not getting anything from my home; nothing. Looking back on it; I had brothers but I really didn't know anything about them; little did I know; they wanted nothing to with me... and I never spent much time around them; Looking back I as quit alone.
I loved my neighborhood; I would visit allot of people in that neighborhood and explore; and I had other friends; I was friends with the Ministers son; and I would stay the night at his house; about once a month. We would play ping pong all night long or kill ants...
I loved the neighborhood I lived in; I loved it all seasons; it was my home and I felt normal and safe in my neighborhood. between my friends and Tv shows and my neighborhood and movies; I was dreaming and building a future in my mind of my life; I was independent at that point in my life; between 4 and 9 years old. I was building an independent life.
My neighborhood and my house where the strong points of my life; I had other things; later to find out it was a fraud; relatives; I had relatives on my fathers side; little did I know; it was all fraud; they never wanted to meet me; I was no part of their families. I was no part of their lives anymore then randomly picking strangers from across the town I lived in; showing up to their houses unannounced ; walking in and claiming Im going to stay awhile; So; these relatives were no relatives; they were more then complete strangers; I was never invited to know them; I was lied to and exploited and forced to go with my father( the sociopath) to these places; but not told I was being exploited and used as cover; my father would take us places; his relatives or rich false friends he had lied to; he would take us; one big family; he looked like a family man; but he was not; it was all a lie to impress and gain the trust of other rich people. Unfortunately; no one told me it was all fake; I was led to believe he had rich friends and relatives in the area; and this continued to allow me to belief I was safe and in trusted hands; that I was with people that were secure in the community; nothing could be further from the truth; in truth; they were some of the most dangerous people in the state; mother and father.
So Im trying to describe to you a specific point; I was lied to. When someone lies to a little child; they are completely taken over; and have no idea they've been lied to by an adult; and this can go on and on…. I believed I was safe and being taken care of by my father. I believe my mother was not safe but inline with traditional concepts of the times and she would be an authentic mother and take care of me; I thought this because I was 2 young not to. I believed I had relatives; Grandmother and father, aunts and uncles that love me; and cousins that loved me from a ranch…
I believed my father was working and paying for everything including the house and he had wealthy friends and new a lot of people. I believed my father was part of the ski community and wanted me to be part of that as well and wanted me to succeed at it..
and I believed my parents wanted me and wanted me to do well in school and develop the best I could.
And everything I just mentioned turned out to be a lie created by sadistic sociopath and psychopath.
The only things I had; that neighborhood; soon I realized; the neighborhood and the house is all that I had; if I could make it through childhood and teen years in that neighborhood; in some fashion of steadiness; I would make it; It never happened; not because the neighborhood let me down; the psychopaths moved; I didn't know this; but they were moving constantly; I never new; they did not care about my life or my schooling or my well being; they did not care if I was tortured to death or what kind of life I would end up with; they cared about nothing. And they were moving before I was born.
The house I was living in in my neighborhood; they sold it out from underneath me in 5th grade; and all things of my childhood were gone within a second; like a puff of smoke; gone; everything. They both moved away; my father first moved when I was in the 5th grade; I tried to live with him; that is when I really understand what he was; I had a mental break down and had to go back to live with my mother; and this would be the beginning of my death. The first thing she did while I was playing under the pool table; announce she was selling the house then walk away; she did not care; did not want to take me with her or anyone else with her; she wanted to move away to the coast and find another host; In fact; as soon as my father was gone; with in a months she had a new man; an alcoholic; I was completely in shock; and horrified; and scared to death out of my mind; I did not know why my mother was doing this; it was obvious she had already been seeing this person while she was with my father; I thought she was a home wrecker and bad person; a disgrace against God. This monster was much worse then this.... She was a psychopath; I was finding this out; but I was becoming extremely mentally ill by this point.
So; without going into the horrors and sadness of things as I was being detached from myself from the dismantling of my life; one step at a time; the point is; I lost my home and my way of life and my neighborhood that I loved. I was throw away;: its started in the 5th grade; It starts showing up in the 4th grade hard.
My mind and life were so shattered from the PTSD of all this; my mind schizophrenically split into camps or the beginning pressures of alters; However, the reality was; my mind had been shattered when born for the first three years of my life.
Amnesia or the beginning fundamentals of amnesia set in after this events; My mind turned everything off from the past as if I came from nothing; and over time it got worse. no memories of childhood; How could I remember; It was all gone; not a trace; within a split second it was all gone. and never to return. All those dreams ruined. just like a kid in Syria during the war; all gone; everything including their families.
later; I would be in full dissociative disorder and remember nothing of what Ive written about; I had no memories; nothing; When I started therapy for dissociative disorder; the condition rendered me 98% amnesia; I remembered my name, my mothers name, the name of my home town, and not much more then that; I new present surface things; where I lived; my social security number, that kind of thing; but nothing from the past; I was not allowed into any part of of things; I remembered the name of the first girl I loved; but not allowed to go much further inward; it all turned into a cloud I was not allowed with in; Dissociative disorder would divert my mind if I attempted to get close. The mind is so fast that it diverts before I know what I w thinking. However, now Im remembering allot of things.
My childhood was completely severed from me; after years of therapy; I was allowed to see this other personality; the child; I saw what he saw through a movie real in my head. I could watch the movie real from way above it; somewhat like looking at Edisons movie machines at the turn of the century; you had to look through the top of the big box to see the movie going on.
When the real stopped; that was the indication of the stopping of that Childs personality. IT simply ended as if cut off or killed; that was the end of that person...
Now; things have changed; for years I could not go into neighborhoods; was homeless or always on the verge of it.
Now; I almost freely can bike through my childhood neighborhood; Im almost back. I cannot deal with my house tho from childhood; the universe has to take me to the next level of this.
So; the house of my childhood is the main focus on my life; that and the neighborhood I came from. God/universe wants me to learn to walk around in this neighborhood and feel good in it just as I did when young; to feel and be myself again; to feel safe their; why? because the psychopaths are gone and so are the families I spent time with who betrayed me; They are gone also. completely defeated.
As for the house; I am to remember more n more who I was, what I was doing, how I was doing it; what I was thinking about, dreaming about, watching on TV, day dreaming about, what I was holding and grabbing and experiencing. What I wanted for my future; what I was doing in the basement, the top floor, the living room and the backyard; I was to remember everything of what I was and what I was doing; and feel it as if its now. The idea is; I come back to life as that little kid again in my neighborhood. The problem is; what about the house; how do I re enact within this house if its not my house anymore; So; the universe has me become me as when a child and hopefully being restored; I will not no reason to actually be in the house. And thats whats happening; and its all brutally hard work; it is rewarding; I'm looking forward to getting myself back and being strong enough to be myself again; aligned with myself; And meditation is playing a key role in aligning myself with myself again.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 1275 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Grace01, JenaLopeZZZ, KalliopePS, Majestic-12 [Bot], selleroo1, Violarules