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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/im_alone_again%3B_things_are_changing._b-13550_sid-f939ef80fecb81b37fa4d73f8ed1099f.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Im alone again; things are changing. |
I almost had a girlfriend; As those who have read my blocks; Ive been trying to 9 years to get a girlfriend. But because of my dissociative disorder; no go... but Ive been working on that dissociative disorder for a long time... . I almost had one. I had a girl that actually liked me but she pulled away from me because I could not respond to her. In a few weeks she had another guy of interest and they played it out all over the place for me to watch; it was sadistic humiliating and sickening; they had no remorse nothing. It was like I didnt exist.. Who in Gods green earth would want to be with someone like that; what a monster... It broke my heart. . So; I moved on... now Im working on past relationships in may imagination; Im working on connecting with those past thoughts of them and doing it right; grabbing their hands and praying for them; thats all I do in my imagination.... And its working to strengthen the bond between me and them or me and myself or me and the cosmos or me and intimacy or..... . So; Im moving on... moving forward. . I broke the Art issue; so Im freer to do Art if I want... the walls were broken down enough.... I still get flash backs but basically I can work on Art now; I have to work with God on where I would put the Art... where I would hang it... As for now Im not to worry about any of that. ill have to pray more on Art. . Im vastly buying plastic model kits; I love doing it. I might end up buying the whole hobby store out of existence; online one; and Im only kidding. . . So Im working on intimacy. ITs hard work but the right direction; to build up love within myself and go in the direction I was suppose to with my first love. Im learning how to write up new stories about my first love so it all turns out great and I move on; its about love; giving love and warmth and love and caring for her... thats all Im suppose to do... just that. . Im learning to allow the lord to build a heart in me so I can become a human being again. . Trying to get negative thoughts out of my Brain is something else; thoughts from a broken horrible past; thoughts of people that were my friends when I was innocent who do not turn out to be my friends; absolutely horrible; I was being blatantly used in every direction and never knew; no friends; but never knew; completely used; 100% unbelievable; reminds me of what just happened by this chick this last year; didnt know... I was being used; just never saw it coming; slapped in the face; a slap in the face; didnt know; had no idea it was coming. I was just being led on; I just didnt know; didnt know I was being used 100%. . Im trusting God; thats what Im working on and asking for or praying for courage as I slowly make the move onward to better things.... . Im still interested in women; but its been so horrible dealing with them; possibly the problem is Im dealing with the wrong type of women? I dont know. If Im going to deal with decent people I guess I have to find a group of women that are nice; like Marry Ann on Gilligans island... Someone nice. I mean; what else can I say; Ill keep working with God on it... because thats been the biggest problem with women... Fear of dealing with worthless people; thats been the biggest fear..... . Ill have to keep working with God on what Im looking for. Just getting someone with fi·del·i·ty; Its been impossible; I have not found anyone regardless. I mean; its not all about sex; its about friendship and attitude; just have not found anyone faithful; well; thats not true I just met someone a few months ago that does seem friendly; genuinely and that is good to practice with but she is not someone Im going to date and I dont see her much of the time. So; I dont know. . Lots of hatred out their and lots of people that want to look and act like they have it going on... . I would like control of my mind again as to what I want to think; getting my thoughts back to the kind of life I want to live. . My mind is damaged so; especially seeing things close up to me in my mind. Damaged. . I have to keep trusting God and maybe end up where nice people end up; what ever that means; keep working on the damage up close to me; the CPTSD; keep working on it; the dissociative disorder and keep working things up close to me so I can get over the fear of things up close I cant control; the damage... keep working with God.. I had my house taken from me when young; never saw it coming. At least my older brother knows about it and feels the same way; so Im not alone. but I dont talk to him much; he wants to see things from a silly perspective... ive tried to explain that his parents were psychopaths; but he doesn't like to see it that way; keeps trying to act like they were normal people with harder choices; I think hes starting to get it slowly to wake up even if he doesn't like it. Dont know. . Im slowly waking up again to who I am; I have to keep working with God. . One of the main problems with dissociative disorder has been associating with bad people; but it was necessary in order to wake up; and thats whats been happening... I mean within the recovery meetings.... . So; Ill keep working with God on things... . |
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