Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1751)
Archives
- March 2024
A gift from God #2
   Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm
The Gift from God…
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm
2 goals; elements of accomplishment
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm
Work Ethic is Needed Please
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 4:46 am
Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

+ February 2024
+ January 2024
+ December 2023
+ November 2023
+ October 2023
+ September 2023
+ August 2023
+ July 2023
+ June 2023
+ May 2023
+ April 2023
+ March 2023
+ February 2023
+ January 2023
+ December 2022
+ November 2022
+ October 2022
+ September 2022
+ August 2022
+ July 2022
+ June 2022
+ May 2022
+ April 2022
+ March 2022
+ February 2022
+ January 2022
+ December 2021
+ November 2021
+ October 2021
+ September 2021
+ August 2021
+ July 2021
+ June 2021
+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Im alone again; things are changing.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

I almost had a girlfriend; As those who have read my blocks; Ive been trying to 9 years to get a girlfriend. But because of my dissociative disorder; no go... but Ive been working on that dissociative disorder for a long time...
.
I almost had one. I had a girl that actually liked me but she pulled away from me because I could not respond to her. In a few weeks she had another guy of interest and they played it out all over the place for me to watch; it was sadistic humiliating and sickening; they had no remorse nothing. It was like I didnt exist.. Who in Gods green earth would want to be with someone like that; what a monster... It broke my heart.
.
So; I moved on... now Im working on past relationships in may imagination; Im working on connecting with those past thoughts of them and doing it right; grabbing their hands and praying for them; thats all I do in my imagination.... And its working to strengthen the bond between me and them or me and myself or me and the cosmos or me and intimacy or.....
.
So; Im moving on... moving forward.
.
I broke the Art issue; so Im freer to do Art if I want... the walls were broken down enough.... I still get flash backs but basically I can work on Art now; I have to work with God on where I would put the Art... where I would hang it... As for now Im not to worry about any of that.
ill have to pray more on Art.
.
Im vastly buying plastic model kits; I love doing it. I might end up buying the whole hobby store out of existence; online one; and Im only kidding.
.
.
So Im working on intimacy. ITs hard work but the right direction; to build up love within myself and go in the direction I was suppose to with my first love. Im learning how to write up new stories about my first love so it all turns out great and I move on; its about love; giving love and warmth and love and caring for her... thats all Im suppose to do... just that.
.
Im learning to allow the lord to build a heart in me so I can become a human being again.
.
Trying to get negative thoughts out of my Brain is something else; thoughts from a broken horrible past; thoughts of people that were my friends when I was innocent who do not turn out to be my friends; absolutely horrible; I was being blatantly used in every direction and never knew; no friends; but never knew; completely used; 100% unbelievable; reminds me of what just happened by this chick this last year; didnt know... I was being used; just never saw it coming; slapped in the face; a slap in the face; didnt know; had no idea it was coming. I was just being led on; I just didnt know; didnt know I was being used 100%.
.
Im trusting God; thats what Im working on and asking for or praying for courage as I slowly make the move onward to better things....
.
Im still interested in women; but its been so horrible dealing with them; possibly the problem is Im dealing with the wrong type of women? I dont know. If Im going to deal with decent people I guess I have to find a group of women that are nice; like Marry Ann on Gilligans island... Someone nice. I mean; what else can I say; Ill keep working with God on it... because thats been the biggest problem with women... Fear of dealing with worthless people; thats been the biggest fear.....
.
Ill have to keep working with God on what Im looking for. Just getting someone with fi·del·i·ty; Its been impossible; I have not found anyone regardless. I mean; its not all about sex; its about friendship and attitude; just have not found anyone faithful; well; thats not true I just met someone a few months ago that does seem friendly; genuinely and that is good to practice with but she is not someone Im going to date and I dont see her much of the time. So; I dont know.
.
Lots of hatred out their and lots of people that want to look and act like they have it going on...
.
I would like control of my mind again as to what I want to think; getting my thoughts back to the kind of life I want to live.
.
My mind is damaged so; especially seeing things close up to me in my mind. Damaged.
.
I have to keep trusting God and maybe end up where nice people end up; what ever that means; keep working on the damage up close to me; the CPTSD; keep working on it; the dissociative disorder and keep working things up close to me so I can get over the fear of things up close I cant control; the damage... keep working with God..
I had my house taken from me when young; never saw it coming. At least my older brother knows about it and feels the same way; so Im not alone. but I dont talk to him much; he wants to see things from a silly perspective... ive tried to explain that his parents were psychopaths; but he doesn't like to see it that way; keeps trying to act like they were normal people with harder choices; I think hes starting to get it slowly to wake up even if he doesn't like it. Dont know.
.
Im slowly waking up again to who I am; I have to keep working with God.
.
One of the main problems with dissociative disorder has been associating with bad people; but it was necessary in order to wake up; and thats whats been happening... I mean within the recovery meetings....
.
So; Ill keep working with God on things...
.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 2526 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, kushkohad, PrimePossum, robertwilson