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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
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Im afraid of getting married

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Feb 22, 2021 5:45 am

Im afraid of getting married.
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Wrote this as a comment to a post;
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"Sucks doesn't it. Do you know how scared I am of dating a women that is good looking; So tired of it; not just the alpha males that come on to her... ( Im not dating anyone right now); I wasn't dating anyone either; but had women who liked me; But I didnt like their attitudes around me because they had to many men to choose from; these women didnt pick the one God chose for them; They didnt care about bowing down to a God because they thought they were Gods and they wanted to date men the same way. But allot of that stems from the status they get for being good looking; the privilege; And as usual; They liked me! But; I cant do this anymore. If they dont get what they want; a better guy comes along and they go out with him. They turn and blame me and start coming around me again; giving me another chance. But they dont seem to understand; in front of me; they chose another man. My nervous system has ingrained the picture of both of them together within my memories; to think about one of them is to think about the other; cant separate them; ruined. At this point I just want to hide. Ultimately; the answer is better quality women up the food chain; but I was afraid id be laughed at and not taken seriously; no one would really appreciate me... Didnt mean to write a novel... Thanks"

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This above comment to a post from a FB group; its only partially true; the real problem is; Im scared to end up with someone; Im scared to get married and end up in a relationship; It to thick and suddenly Id be back; back in neighborhoods and relationships. Suddenly I'm back home; Im a human being again. Im no longer the agoraphobic hiding in his room with mental illness; suddenly Im back with people and close proximity and relationships again; and its to much for me to just jump in. But Im slowly starting to get it; I have hardness inside of me that must slowly be worked through.
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I see 2 people here; 2 of me; the adult and the lost 10 year old wondering around in his old neighborhood trying to join his neighborhood again; become stabilized and growing through several years into older sections of self; say joining the 15 or 16 year old or 17 year old or 18 year old. 19 year old 20 year old; 25 year old; I dont know yet; 30 year old; obviously Ive got allot off work to do re fixing the different years of my past… cleaning them up aligning them.
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My biggest fear of marriage is PTSD. Cant say it any better. Just cant; Im cringing as Im speaking. So; first the truth is; Im not afraid of another man showing up in a relationship; Well; maybe I am. maybe thats part of it as well and I dont want to deal with it.
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I also dont feel good enough for educated women who could demand to have men with more money; Id feel like a fish out of water. That scares Me; I guess I can take this stuff to the universe and keep working with God to move up the latter. That really scares me. It was never uneducated people that dropped me. it was well to do well educated people that through me away....
My mind is back on *mod edit* street as a 10 year old; that is the problem; Im split down the middle into 2 pieces and they are separated and Im trying to work with God to bring those 2 pieces together and I think a solution has been found. Now I have to do the work to get that child through the 10 year old moving foward with a new life until he joins me at some specific past age… re going or Fues-ing with me…. Joining; re meshing; integrating. In the end; the 8 year old with all his memories and thought and dreams and hopes and desires and happiness will be brought up through the 10 year olds journey; joining me and becoming me now; And thus I will be the 8 year old inside with the adult on the outside running everything; one whole system again. aligned.
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I can feel the fear; So; Ill work with the universe on this subject...
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The last girl that liked me was cute and other men liked her and she ended up not having to a bad a problem going out with them.... I thought she tried hard to get to know me. But not hard enough... I mean; she always had other choices and I dont like that; God never gives me other choices. I suppose to be with one person and learn to work something out with them. I dont like being used like a commodity... I mean; for sex; sure; why not; but for a real relationship; No thanks.
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Anyway; it all spells desperation; as Im reading; Im not around enough women. Ill pray about it. being around enough women to date or go out with. The right kind of women; but wont they dump me or never let me in because they think they are superior; like before. Ill take this to God... I dont want to get hurt like before; horrible,... Ill take that to God and work my way up the food chain. And their it is; scary; who do I think I am; do I really think Im good enough to even have a girlfriend?
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Im starting to remember; I need to be doing something with my life; I mean; Im starting Im starting to remember.
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Ill have to take all of this to God in one Case after the other against God; God vs my ideas; Case 1; presented in heaven court... So; Ill continue to throw out my claims and views to God. And keep working on all this stuff and move up the food chain.
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Big connect dream where Im at now from a house and family and money and middle class career and school and church and wife and friends. The whole thing; Ill take it to God and keep taking it to God.
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I couldn't or wouldn't trust the women God brought me. Why; because it has something to do with marriage and being trapped with no way out... It reminds me of being trapped when I was sexually abused; and being with the falser friends I had; I lived with one of them; their family and I was treated like a dog; Im still dealing with the horror and sadness and heartache of it; did not expect that to happen; to be judged; unbelievable. scary; like out of a bad movie; never in my right mind....
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Im afraid of making a mistake with the wrong person... I dont want the wrong person... That scares me more then anything; everything..
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I feel dysfunctional; I feel like someone from a middle class background to age 8; then suddenly thrown away onto the streets and thats it; no more functioning. Im not in an environment for functioning; and its to much trauma to quick; and I locked up inside and never come out again... Who am I suppose to marry. What world do I come from... Who or what am I suppose to relate with...
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Ill keep praying and asking God to bring me the right people; But the last several soulmates were monsters; and I have too really look at that. Granted; they came from 12 step groups and not the best ones... And Ive said this myself; Dont ask the universe for a soulmate when your in the bar; youll get an alcoholic... The universe isn't going to bringing a a sober nun soulmate to the bar; its going to be a drunk one; learn the lesson; learn the wisdom. So; I really have to think about this one. Where do I want to meet someone; what kind of person am I and where does God want me to meet someone.
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The other things I worry bout; Im from a horrible back ground; beyond it; not conservative... But I am from a conservative back ground.
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I also notice; Im not from my background; im from where ever I was placed; but I was never really in control of anything... And money wise Ill have to look at that. What do I relate with and get back to it..
I remember as a small child; I felt safe walking around outside; not anymore as an adult... insane...
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I dont know... Money seems to be the key to allot of things... making it; having a personal life... I dont know..
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Dealing directly with marriage or the concept and the traumas causing the gap of where im at and what I want.... the gap or dissociation or trauma or pain... or PTSD and flashbacks... lots of flashbacks; working through the trauma; bulling; I see bullies faces again. . here we go again.. being controlled in my space.
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Fear; and Im still the infant and child under pressure with noway out; but Im also a bit further; Im also the adult who is coming out of the oppression and being fooled when young by sharks and hustlers of a higher quality nature; still scum... Had no ideal. Just bothers me. But I have other thoughts of other people during the time.. better things
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So; While I was looking up to them saying they were worthwhile; they were looking down on me secretly but in front of me was a smile on their faces.
In the 4th grade is the pivot point; Im completely neglected in the school system and at home. Nothing. I remember; because I had planned on doing so much..
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Fear.. Im a bit past where people from the past can pull the wool over my eyes again...
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So; the goal is to loose fear... earn my way into a new life... I dissociate when I do this because I see myself in a nice neighborhood But dont know how... Im just a small child inside... who does not know how...
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So; Ill keep working with God on it...
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Ill keep working with God on it... and this is an important move; where this become a daily every hour every minute occurrence for daily survival; taking actions to God daily; all day long... direction.
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2 areas of importance; music and art; I simply dont get it.. I really dont. I dont get it; it seems closed; so whats the point.. I mean; why have a sensitivity to it if its closed. Whats if for... I mean; what am I suppose to do with it.
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One area however is open for thinking.. thought. I have a simple thought; one thought to start with; and its pure; but then its attacked by 10,000 other thoughts. Is this whats happening when I think about music creation and Art; I need to really look at the thoughts; the thinking processes going on in side my mind... What am I suppose to do; am I suppose to do music and art; yes; No! IF yes. How do I train myself to love it; to be committed to wanting to do it... Thats the horror part; I can feel the hatred and rage and anger... hated contempt.. Same with Art; These are areas that need to be worked on in my thinking; I see it switch over to poverty thinking...
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AM I suppose to be a composer or artist? Yes no? Frustration.
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One main goal; get the 8 year old that is happy in my childhood and transplant him completely into me now where Im at now. Right here right now. remembering everything he has... that would be me now.... That is the goal. becoming him and transferring him through time to now... Not; part of me is here now but longing for what I had then. Instead; I go back then; fine the best time period of who I was; and bring it all back to the present and transplant that person into me; integrating him so I am him now; with full good past and hopes and dreams. Thats where this is going.
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Feb 22, 2021 6:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
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