onight; more lessons that are waking me up; Not fun.
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IVe pissed off the hornets nest. But I've been to dissociatively asleep to feel it; I could see it but didnt care; Now that Im awake and can feel again. damn; problems already starting...
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Ive been in 12 step groups for a long time playing the fool; necessary so I could survive in those places to receive my recovery; and for the most part; Im a great actor; most of the click people believe it; I mean; they know nothing about me. The people reading on this site; just one paragraph no more about me then anyone Ive met in those places for the last 15 years; or 20 years.. or more.
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I never went to those places to explain myself to anyone; I went in sick and stayed long enough too get the help the program offers. along the way I met people who did not understand me and thats OK. I could care less; I just want to get better. But along the way; people have bullied me because they think Im weak and Im dealing with wolves much of the time. Im fairly OK; no problems; at times; problems.
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I never went out with any of their women; Now I know why. Their women are hot girls; dont get me wrong; Good looking by everyones standards and they know it and they liked me and they have status because of their looks. but; I never followed through with any of them. They don't know why and dont care why; they switched me off when I hesitated ; found others guys very quickly; and ended up married to them or dating them or; I was written off as crazy person or mentally ill; stay away from me; or negative person to bully; Im not sure what thats called in a group; the sacrificial lamb; black sheep; I dont know.
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I especially have a hard time with the women because they've written me off as a weakling because I never followed through with them the way a good Neanderthal is suppose to respond. So; Im pushed off to the corner as weirdo In the groups; I have a reputation for never following through with any of the women and Ive had guys call me on it.
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The real reasons I did not follow through with any women; a combination of dissociative disorder and the type of women I was dealing with. As soon as I saw they were opportunities and players and lacking in conscious; I pulled back and went into freeze mode... I never responded to them. I allowed them to walk over me because I wanted to keep the false front so I could be passive but still survive in the rooms. Ive had to take a very open passive roll. I allow everyone to think what they want about me and I dont question them about anything. Because Im using them; Im using the bigger system for my mental health reasons; Im using the place for exposure therapy and its working along with other therapies Im using at the time; no one else knows about it; and thats good.
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Its not that anyone cares; they dont; but they judge what they see.
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But; at times people bully me or treat me like Im a wierdo; like tonight. I also learn lessons. Ive burnt those bridges; especially with the in crowd or clicks and women. Those women helped me develop in the middle of dissociative disorder; just as God had commanded and I learned from it.
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Tonight I found myself in a room with some women that used to like me; I was thinking bout them; the child in me was thinking about them; and when that happens; I feel friendly or my delusion tells me we are friends.. I go innocent; big mistake... especially with these people. They are waiting like a noose for my neck for me to make a mistake.
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Tonight I made a mistake; but I didnt know. I tried to get away from one of them; step away; go away; stay away; I walked around them; and then I felt it; I just felt that feeling like someone was looking at me like I was a predator; I could sense it and slightly see it; I moved passed; and I thought; here we go again. I walk over to the vehicle I was going home in; stepped behind it. pushed some snow in with my feet against the far edge; suddenly I heard a guarded " Hello Omnicel". I looked up; it was her; she was getting into the car next to mine. I looked like I was standing close to her car and it was night. Perfect to look at me like Im a predator that must want her.. and Im needy and hovering; here we go again; How did I get into this situation when I was trying to avoid her the whole time.. And their it is; a lesson in evil. The fact was; part of me was not trying to evade her; part of me was thinking about her... I did not take her seriously enough to watch her and make sure she was not in my space ore around me. Instead I just mindlessly walked around assuming she would just leave the parking lot; Thats not what happened. This has happened before.
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These type ambush you; been done by her several times before; they think Im thinking about only them because they are so special... its sickening.
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What happened? Child in me took over; Cant do that. Ive got to stay awake around these predators…Must be alert guarded and an adult; and thats what they are doing. Thats part of my journey right now; is to wake up. wake up. wake up wake up. And I can feel it; Im not awake; Im used to being in the past as a child in PTSD. And I have to wake up.
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Other lessons...
What am I doing with my life; Im still reporting in on recovery stuff. But Ive grown and theirs more to life then recovery stuff. There didnt use to be.
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Im changing and hiding on or under my bed; going to meetings or being in a delusional state are not my only choices anymore. And Im not a hardened psychopath anymore. I mean; I used to walk around like a piece of hardened steal. Those days are over; I feel now. And Im having a hard time around ruthless types anymore. I cant be around them. And Im not winning against them. Im wanting their attention; and I wasnt like that before; but then I wasnt human before. Deep down inside I was human; but not on the outside. I was wounded tuff not a monster. Ive always had a conscious; I was more like a hardened soldier…. The inside of me…. Not a criminal…
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The child in me wants the attention and Im at the wrong place for the innocent sunny child within me to want attention. Im around pure evil...
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They still dont know me. They still look at me the way they did 10 years ago. And it doesn't really matter; Im starting to see God will create in me a more present person that loves and I will be brought around better people.... But not yet.
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I have to earn my way into a new way of thinking. I have to do the footwork; Im not God.
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So; more humiliation... Im learning. Actually I was proud of myself tonight; someone else tried some stuff and I got away from them very fast. And I countered with some joking. Im not talking about fawning; I mean; I came back with some jokes and then got out of their. And the lesson was; these are creeps and I should not be spending my time around them. Why I cant figure this out. Ive been at these meetings for a long time and Ive gotten spoiled and used to them; but they havent changed. Im waking up to their limitations and nothing has ever changed…
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I will say something else to.
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Women;
I wasn't giving women credit... I was thinking they were good for sex and relationships and nothing else. not even relationship; just sex; but why? A real hate for them… Locked deeply inside. And as I write this I can see my mother… And I can feel the dissociation and the separation of selves and feelings the deep deep feelings… And being pure feeling with no sense or logic or wisdom…. Nothing. just making decisions on anything that goes through that filter.
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I heard a women tonight talk about wanting to look through a telescope at the stars; So do I; thats part of what I wanted from a soulmate. Why didnt I assume all women are like this. Why did I think Im better or something; very narcissistic on my part; delusional; Dissociated from reality. Going off internal idea and beliefs not established in reality; these beliefs are established in my mind... The question is; Why? Why cant I accept reality. Because women and I would be equal. OK. So! I mean; they are equal anyway. Why would I be bothering to questions it in the first place; to have power over them; maybe from the Childs perspective because of the way I was treated so horribly; abusively.
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Ive been at odds with the wrong women; women I did not respect; fine; but Im not suppose to see all of them as bad or hate all of them... I learned a great lesson tonight by some people that Im judging people incorrectly and I have no liable reason for it. Im not in reality. Its strange condition to have; what I have..
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So; God is helping me grow out of it because its not reality I mean; Im not out in the middle of social people. This is insane. ITs insane because its not real. As I get better socially; more present; Ill meet more people I guess. And see everything the same.
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Its like I see women as inferior. But why? What for? And their is no way I can ever get a relationship with anyone with that kind of insanity. ITs ridiculous. I mean. I was treated inferior by my mother so I look at women as inferior; Im taking it out on women the way I was treated? That sounds right.
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I want to be the savior of women or looked up to as God to women… And they will; plenty of women have liked me and looked up to me…. I seem to be around the other ones that dont and Im not sure yet why; The trauma bond is looking for a mother.
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And if Im never around women; then I can think up anything I want and stick to it for ever; but what happens when I want back into the social human race; here we go...
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But tonight was a wake up call that Im not around the right people. These are predators and not people to play with. Better to stay far away and get my loneliness feed somewhere else. And loneliness means talking to people; thats all. They were not friendly with me and never will be because they are evil... And evil will attack as soon as it finds an opening...
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So; learned allot tonight.
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I have to branch outward to new people; well; I dont have to do anything but pray to God Universe about this. " The universe is protecting me". " The universe is bringing me only safe faithful women of quality". " I pray to be under Gods direction". " I pray to be helpful to others"... And so on. And let the universe do it.
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Whats horrible; I imagined and prayed about meeting that women and talking to her tonight. I met her alright; She didnt turn out to the nice person that wanted to talk to me. And I woke up and learned a lesson. Ill take it back to God…
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Im a sensitive nice guy; some of these people Im dealing with are not. And the problem is; Im in an interim position; Im slowly changing and broadening my social situation... The problem is; the child and the ignorant beliefs seem to come out at the same time... When I get those beliefs coming out; I want to stick around and blame people and judge people emotionally,; Instead of walking away immediately and not getting involved. Ill have to learn. hopefully I dont learn the hard way. keep my eyes and my body and attitude to myself... Get my needs met from God for now...
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Im not taking them seriously; They are showing me I have to.
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Music;
Im going from playing air guitar to real guitar in a real band. I gave up playing in a real band or doing anything else; Id had enough of everything to last me a life time. But God didnt tell me to give anything up. I have to learn to go after what I want and have God help me and start out with Gods energy behind me…. when I know Gods energy is with me and Im on the right track; then take some chances.
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PTSD and mis management of feelings. I cant feel anything correctly; everything feels wrong to me. I gave up trying to figure out what God wanted me to do because everything out in life seemed to me a place of personal rapturing; no matter what direction.
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So; Im re learning; How do I know exactly where Gods energy is flowing in my life. Thats what my next goal is; because Ive learned; I can count on Gods energy to tell me what direction to go in and fight for it or learn to love it in my imagination until it becomes gapless and is whole connection again. God is showing me how to see and feel where Ive been blind. Im able to do it with one thing Id like to do it with many things and really find out what direction God originally sent me here to do.
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So; to sum things up; I cant make friends out of people that are my enemies.. If Im trying to; Im delusional… and heading for problems.
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I have to work with Gods energy to find out what direction I am to go; Meditation is good for this; it aligns my inner being with the universe. So Ive been told.