I may stay single for the remainder of my life. The universe has to bring the right people. And Im constantly missing the boat on this one. Im going to work harder on meditation and visualizing who Im looking for.
Im doing fairly well with my inner being and my personal work with self and assignment with the universe; but no women insight that I feel I can open up to and trust; trust is everything to me.
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CPTSD has burned out all of play acting in me when it comes to relationships; I dont play games with people. I believe the right people for a relationship with be ( pause); the right people; it will be smooth transition; something natural; not something triggering me to death wondering if the other person might like me or they might have 5 guys in the wings as backdoor men.
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Im describing what its like to want a wife when Ive been trapped by severe dissociative disorder and CPTSD for 2/3rds my life.
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To come out of my shell into the real world his horrible on my trust ability; Someones potential to like me is not even close enough; its all about trust. if I think they are the type to betray someone; I walk back the way I came; I recede and go away; and Ive done this numerous times; so many times; I figure Ill probably be single for the remainder of my life.
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By the time I get my life together; Ill be to old to have a girlfriend; Ive never had one ever; not the kind I liked and really wanted and wanted to go after and pursue; nothing. But Im fine... I take everything to God...
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I dont feel safe sharing my feelings with people I dont think value me as much as I value them; they hide their secrets much more then I do.
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I feel like I would ask them out; and if they said no I would feel like a fool and want to bury myself for 6 months. Things; the way they are occurring; the universe is showing me how and I am changing but thats it; its like the women Im interacting with are the wrong women; they dont have the same value system; I dont know where to go; Ill keep working with God on it. But those same women; im learning from; Im learning how to love myself; or build myself up and then I leave; but I dont want that; I want them to be the right ones so I can have a girlfriend; but they are not the right ones; they are their to practice on and get stronger but stronger for what; it seems only to get closer to God and no other reason. But I have to ask the question; Where is my wife? I mean; do I not get a wife! What the F_ck is going on in the universe not getting me my wife??????????????????????
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So; I guess I have more work to do on myself as usual; but how much work does a person have to do to meet someone half way decent...
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I see women; I see their hearts; I see they have feelings for me but they destroy all possibilities before we start because of their behavior; its over before it starts; they cant be trusted. I won't even tell them how I feel about them; Ill run first; I wouldn't be caught dead showing any vulnerability around them; forget it; and this leads me to the next question; where are the women I can trust to show any vulnerability; I have no idea who they are; where they are.
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If I find someone to be real with; are they a narc setting me up; are they for real. An old saying; never put whats valuable to pigs n swine lest they trample you under their feet and turn and tear you into pieces. Do not give what is holy to the dogs.
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Fine; my feelings are holy; where The F_ck is my wife???????? It seems the universe is not bringing her. Ill die alone I guess. At this point Ill be OK with that. I just feel ripped off; Ive never had a real girlfriend; nothing.
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Im Ok with aligning with my inner being but I wonder why my inner being does not bring my wife. All I want to do is feel safe; is it not possible around the world; that my inner being working with the universe cannot bring one women that I feel safe around; nothing; ever?????/. 3.5 billion women and not one...
What do I have to do... This is ridiculous
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So; Ill go back to God and keep working on it. Its about how obedient and humble a person is.. Ive had women like me; while they eyed other guys and acted arrogant around me as if they were playing the field around me; You can do that with women. meaning; women are more forgiving; no man in is right mind wants a women who is not in her place in alignment with God... humble and ready to serve... But Im not the one they are called to serve; They dont treat me with respect; and when I sense it; im gone.... a gap resides between me and many women; but non cared enough to do anything about it.
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When I was young;
I remember a girl that liked me but I could not tell her how I felt; I was very young and shy; and I was having home problems; I was being destroyed and could not handle just opening up to someone. But the universe is showing me; I cant expect a something from a women if I cant tell her how I feel; The problem is I have not been round anyone that I trust to ask for a date. No one; to deceptive; all of them.
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You won't catch me saying anything of how I feel about them to their faces; they are not safe.
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When will the universe align me with someone that is safe enough for me to tell my feelings to. Am I unique among men that no women can be paired with me?? really!
Women do not guard their hearts against me they guard them against God who is telling them to open up to me; and I see this and when I see this; Im done with them; they are a disgrace against God and Im out of their; that is non of my business and I need to be moving on.
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So; ill work with God; Im ok either way; Ill keep working with my inner being and alignment until the day I die regardless.