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Identity overwhelmed

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:22 am

Ill make a list of all the bullying; the key is; can I stay alive; or stay present from all that Ive been through; My identity was destroyed completely; this is not what I expected in this life.
The problem was; I started out with a false middle class lie; or fabrication; 2 psychopaths creating a false front; I was 2 young to know what they were doing or had planned; the 2 older brothers; they were complete strangers; they knew; they had all ready been destroyed and feared out of life by it; so traumatized they could not function in the school systems at only a minimal level. They were ruined. But I didn't know when young; not until the age of about 9.
Because I was neglected; for a few years; I was left alone; and in that time I dreamed; dreamed of many things;I dreamed from having a relationship with the television set; the sitcoms and shows and movies of how I wanted to grow up when I got older.
What I didnt know; I was in 2 different worlds; the tv world allowed me to believe I had choices and freedom; and when I grew up; I could have anything I wanted; build any kind of life I wanted; but I had to start to process when young; I didnt know I was not going to bed allowed to do this.
I remember the bulling in school starting in the first grade at minor levels. Miner miner levels.
I made a horrible mistake in the first grade; I made it because I was not being taken care of; If I had been taken care of in a family; I would not had to have reached out to strangers for friendships at such an early age; I made a grave mistake and reached out to the wrong people; but I did not know they were not my people; they were my enemies; but did not know; for I was truly alone from the beginning of my life. I did not know I did not relate to the other students in the class. For I was a foster kid and didnt know it.
I reached out, out of desperation because I had no love coming in; and I was already depersonalized. Looking back at my beginning memories now; I see me trying to run and hide or escape from everything; that is all I was doing; looking for relief; finding a way to be independent away from everyone else; whether it be a closet to hide in or spend my time in, or the corner of a fence yard; or being locked in my own mind as one of the psychopaths was ridiculing me..... Or later; the TV set; thats where I hid. .
And I tried to hide in art; I loved art. And later drums. I wanted to hide in school work and be a strait A student; never happened; I was not allowed; altho I was brilliant.
I wanted to hide in school’ homework; that never happened; the opposite happened unfortunately; at first I thought I had a chance; but I didn't; I started getting bullied at some point; and neglected out of grade school. I was lost going nowhere; I did not know why; no one told me why?
I spent my time alone playing at the house I was staying at; or the neighbors; I would have never associate with the neighborhood or neighbors if I had any other choice; I did not; I got used them; their parents; the kids I was playing with; their parents recognized that I was showing up at a regular basis... And they knew; they knew what I did not know; I was a throw away; and they took advantage of it; The most important sorrow; they were using me as if I was free game; why? because they thought they were better then me; that I was white trash and usable and disposable; and the word “ disposable” is the best word I can come up with. Thats the best word; of how they viewed me; I did not view me this way; they did. and they used me with no human regard; to them; they were getting away with using the poor; stripping them of their consciousness... Later, sadly, I would find out the horrible stunning truth...
When you find out whats happening to you; its like your a character in a zombie movie and the whole world is out to get you; and you will not survive and have no chance; and your forced out of your life.

In some of the 12 step groups Im in now; Ive had several people do the same; use me; because I reached out to them out of loneliness; and they did the exact same thing; They never came to me; or I would have never known them; in fact; no one ever came to me; I always went to them out of extremely neglect and loneliness; all of them. So, Ive had a chance to watch people; what they act like when I need a friend; they take advantage of it; see a sucker; because they dont need their needs met; their fine; their hanging out with me only because it builds their ego; they dont care about me or ever seeing me again; Im just being manipulated; its fun for them; but as an adult; I see this.
I had a false front when a child; my brothers had all ready gone through 3 houses by the time they were 6 and 4 years old; God knows what else; moved from a ranch to a house in town, to a new city, to another house, to hotels and then to another house; the house I lived in when very young; So; they were already toast. No one cared about them or their futures. Unfortunately, I did not know about any of this when young; I thought the house I lived in when young was the first house for all of us; Their was no "all of us” IT was more like three children being taken hostage and used; thats what I didn't know. and I didn't know I would be given away at some point; ruthless psychopaths to blame.
In my wildest nightmares I could not have imagined this.
As fro the present; for now; looking back; all childhood memories were actually me being used and exploited; every detail; nothing; not even the stores I visited down the street as a kid; non of these memories have a right to exist in my mind; they were all corrupt; all of them because of the intent of the monsters I lived with; what does this mean; it means I come from no home town; nothing is real; I keep no memories of such places; nothing; because nothing was sacred. I tried to make things sacred; it was a mistake. And Im still making those mistakes; but Im aware of it; slowly waking up.
When young; I did not have a choice of where I lived and how; I did not know I was just being moved around uselessly; until I was dumped; so their is no reason to value any of the places I lived at when young; they were all the same; a lie; a fabrication. fabricated middle classism by the psychopaths; they were not really middle class people; nor people at all; they were monsters; it was all fake; I was being used and torn apart through neglect; later through other means; and I was being taken to a relatives house; and molested at times... and Im sure ritualistic abuse before this; when really young.
The point is; I had no life; but did not know; I innocently tried to hang on to my own world; but their was no chance; but I didnt know that. Soon, I would be stripped of my life and destroyed after being thrown away and before. No one cared; I was a stranger in a strange horrible land; alone in a nightmare.
When I was moved or had to start a new school; the first thing that happens in bullies; they recognize you; they see you as not having any protection as being alone; And it started in the 5th grade; and later in the 6th several times and the 7th grade and later when I was forced to live on the coast in the big cities; and those sociopathic bullies were like real criminals when teenagers; so; it was no game...
When starting at a new school the bullies come up and try to put the new kid under their thumb; control; they look for the new kid to intimidate; thats the first thing they do. they come up to attempt to put the kid down. hold him down; put him in his place; And I was not prepared for this nightmare; it was all a nightmare; all of it; I have very little if no memories of 6th grade; nothing; I was completely alone in a new city, living with a psychopath; no one cared what happened to me or if I had ever been born or my future.
When I went back to my home town; it was as if no one knew me or wanted to know me; the kids I grew up with in the first places I lived acted like they had never met me. I met nothing to them; never had; my life had no value to them; As I mentioned earlier; The parents of these kids already knew what was going on; they knew I was a throw away; they used me to socialize their children; and then dumped me; I was used; nothing more; I did not know at the time.
Bullying; Im not sure how to handle all the bullying; I dont know; and its happened all of my life; and Im starting to see more of it showing up in every direction. Ive been forced to go places for attention and to stay alive; and usually I deal with bullies sooner or later if I become a regular at these places; theirs something about me that Im at the mercy of these places; I have no one; no home; nothing; and I attract such filth; but Im not the only one; its a matter of frequency; when the bullies see Im not part of anything; Im free game to them; and they feel intimidated that Im taking over they free turf.
So; Im learning; but the bullies of the past; all that I went through; like a war; thats what I have to deal with; and some of those people were arrogant and stupid and actually thought they could cause real harm; meaning, their stupid. And they will continue to do so to this day if I allow it.
Bullies are not smart people; most dont think.
One unfortunate problem; no development on my part accept trauma; that is all I experienced; nothing more in this life; massive trauma.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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