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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Identity

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Feb 10, 2015 12:11 pm

Im becoming suicidal;

Im seeing the flash backs; to many of them! To many, like a war! My identity being destroyed; me being destroyed
My dreams are forced down my throat; I have no life; it was a lie! they lied! they were never who they said they were! all memories are a lie!

Everything associated with that time is misery and a lie; all of it! it was all planned, we were groomed! none on my side! they refuse to help! they no Im innocent! they are of the devil! they are of the devil! they are not my friends! I must stay away! I must wake up! So many of them! all devils! none honest; all lies!



They lied to us!

Lots of people don't survive what Ive gone through; no processing! and what happened was a legal crime against children! nothing I can do about it! I pray! talk to God and keep join got my recovery meetings and therapist!

Letting go of the past;

And I keep working on letting go of the past! This is the big one! getting this faces and places out of my head! The best way to deal with it is; but a negative association to it! the event what not what I thought it was; Im better of in the present! This type of work is saving me; If I get hard hit with the past, I get suicidal! Its something I have to work through!

One of the problems; I had no idea of the creep'os I was dealing with! the experiences I have with them are positive! but not because of them! because I felt safe when I should have never have felt safe! I have to take what I like and leave the rest! I have to get out of there! I have to get out of that dream that it was a good experience; it was not; and thats taxing on my brain! but its saving me and bringing me to the present!

My memories and experiences were good, the people in them were not! thats the problem; and I must sift them out of my dreams; take the rest of it and run!

I have allot of horror because I was " sleeping with the enemy"; one might say! I was in the wrong camp the whole of the tim; because of this I got destroyed! In a situation like this; never get to comfortable! you need to be alert to get out of the situation!

I loved my childhood; that is the problem! its base was evil; but I was not evil! the base was external and not part of me! I was depending on it for my survival! I had no Idea I was living with evil! I had no idea it would turn on me and destroyed the very fabric of humanity that I lived by! all my fundamentals that allowed me to feel safe were unsafe, and I did not know!

I was attempting to build a middle class life as a child! and the foundation was pulled out from under me! I had no idea this was going to happen! all that I loved was gone! In addition, all friends in the community stopped being my friends; its as if I had never been born! all my memories with these people were worthless! its as if my childhood never happened; its as if I never happened! Pure evil; and against little children!

-------------------------------------------

Like a war;

You live in a village; you are a child; and you think everything is fine; you like your life and you love everyone; suddenly everything is bombed, your village gone, your family gone; your way of life history! and no one cares! you are alone, taken to another country and sold on the streets! and all you have for the remainder of your life is memories of your beginning life!

My life is much like the above paragraph! and Im trying to work through this!

Im realizing the people around me I have problems with are not decent people; and they want nothing to do with decent people! they want popular people; nothing more!

Im slowly waking up; at the present; vampires are helping me and they don't know it! they think Im a vampire! Its all God getting me the help!

The fact Im alive is a miracle!


I need to be more in the present; its happening one thought at a time! one new thought replaces an old thought! The old thought is a false thought! meaning; Its a memory of a situation I thought was safe and good; in reality it was unsafe and around evil! So, the thought needs to be changed!

All thoughts associated with the time of child must go! all of them! it all must be reversed! every thought and every idea! all of it must go! I must start looking at the whole experience as bad and everyone in it as bad; very very very bad! all the people involved! no one saved my life, they all let me die! they are all evil , all bad, and all going to hell! God does not know any of them! It was an evil mistake! I did not know! now I know! all of it must go!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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