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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- May 2020
The idea of never dating women ever again
   Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

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Identity

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 09, 2020 3:52 pm

I was in a meeting and a brother from my original grouping was on the fare side of the room. It hurts; he is my enemy; not my friend. He was never my friend; and I think the core of me always knew that but I didn't.
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I always wanted to see my mother and father as the best of people and my brothers; in reality; no brothers; just strangers who were never on my side and still are not.
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At the meeting; I went up to the coffee machine and grabbed a cup; he was sitting 6 feet away; I ignored him. That last time; several years ago; I was in his car; he made a suggestion because of my economic situation that I was trash; I immediately went silent; I would never associate with that person ever again; and I haven't... covert is what I would call these type of people; they are not what they seem; its like someone stealing from the bank but smiling to their manager as if everything is on the up n up.
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At the meeting I backed away from him; said nothing. later something happened that slighted me from his behavior; I wont go into it... it was an act of passive aggression.... or aggression.... covert; thats the best way to describe him; covert; Im starting to see what he is really like; who he really is; its like looking at a spider; and its the same behavior as the others from that family system; its not a family; I don't know what to call it; psychopathic system that I was unfortunately thrown into...
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So; this is no friend; and thats the 6 year old in me being defeated again by these ######6 monsters... And I feel defeated; like they got me again; I must turn to God for help; get on my knees and start over; but they use this family thing against me; thats what monsters do; they have no values... lawless.... So; I have to wake up and see them for what they are and get as fare away from them as possible; but I wont do this until I learn my lesson that they are black widow spiders that bite and the venom will destroy.. I haven't learned my lesson yet... Im trying to; I guess God is trying to wake me up possibly and get my focus within my mind on what I want instead of what Im missing. My mind randomly goes back intimate to different time periods with this family system and I have to learn the hard way to put my mind on something else with value and stop making these people out to have value when they did not have any value; no value... I have to learn the lesson.
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And I have to grow up a bit; but be nice to myself and work with the universe and work with others that can help.
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The problem is; the innocent child in me wants to look at the surroundings of the past as innocent and nice; but in reality; it was filled with monsters that never liked me the child or me the adult; and that is a horrible horrible horrible thing for me to deal with; its way over the core of my head considering how much dependency I had on those people to survive economically socially; schooling; the whole process of my young life.
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As I talk about it and bringing up schooling; I see I put it all in their hands; now I would like to go back in time and re examine what I can do for myself; taking back my own power during those times..
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Ive see what these people are like that I came from; the sad horror is; they were never on my side or my friends or cared what happened to me; I was hated but did not notice....
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I am not wanted by them; but of course; this is because they have stolen the family money from me; my share.
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However, there was no family; the mother in this case is a psychopath and I have no relationship with; and that is hard because I have no come to grips with any of this altho I talk like I have. Im in much denial about what really happened and what I was believing at the time. In other words; I was building a life on top of a satanic mill and never knew until the roof collapsed and I was sucked down inside the furnace and destroyed... Now I'm trying to get out and Im getting knifed on the way out; thats what's happening...
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I never know my brother was this way; a complete complete stranger.... I did not know; and Im hated; it's sickening; he no different than the rest.
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When young; I had peoples houses I visited; I thought they were nice people; they were not; they were stuck up people and I should not have ever gone near them ever... but I did not know.... I was not liked or accepted; more importantly; I was not respected. I just thought I could get away with it; be loved by others as if their family was mine; it never worked; I was taken advantage of; nothing more and looked at like I was trash..... but not by everyone.
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I was a throw away from the beginning and never knew it; now; more n more I see it; I have no family values system with others from within that family system; what do I mean? Im not loved by anyone; hated and they have a superior contempt as if their better and Im worse; Im assuming this is coming from my mother the psychopath but it doesn't really matter; Im in denial; their is no family; nothing..
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These brothers are sociopathic; one complete sociopath and the other some where in the middle; so they can't be held responsible to think at any other level; but they are dangerous and should not be associated with; and that causes more rejected for me because I have no family; nothing; the whole thing was a horror show where I was abused through relational aggression and then completely thrown away.
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However, in reality; I was thrown away from a bunch of psychopaths and they are one group together; Im not with them nor part of their group; so the goal is; where do I fit in in life; Im not ready to find out. I just want a family I can depend on.
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Im right in the middle of change from one family system to another; I have to get built up first to work through it and accept it. its very hard stuff to be thrown away and even deal with any of this..
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I have to not take it personally; non of this. Im exceptionally mad at God over all this.
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I dont want to be at war with God; I want God to follow through so I can see a real picture of what it was like for me when young and I can accept it and move on; thus, moving on; I can let go of all of it from this family system and accept it; Im having a hard time letting go because the child in me wants to see everything as bright and shinny and nice from the past but it wasn't that way. its important for the child in me to believe the house I lived in as a child was sacred and safe and a beautiful wonderful safe place; and it was not; and neither was the experiences I experienced; I was being used and exploited but did not know. I have to see the negative so I will let go of it.
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At times ive been on a raft adrift in the ocean and Ive come a shore; at other times the ropes undone and I drift out into the ocean again; and Im not aligned with my inner being or higher power and my thoughts are horrible and out of alignment and they are all flashbacks and critical voice from CPTSD; and im blind and lost and humiliated and horrified and then I have to work to get my thinking back inline again; I have to focus on new thoughts in my head until the bad ones are gone.
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My situation I much like a drug addict getting off drugs; they want to tell you how wonderful it was; being at the dope mans house or with their drug friends on the streets. When in reality; if they get off the dope; and really look back; it wasn't so pleasant after all.
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Im a mixture of fantasy and reality and wishful thinking of what I wanted it to be in the past and wished it to be; what I came from; but more of that if not most of that is from TV sitcoms of what I hoped was going on around me.
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I spent more n more time sucked up to the TV set living of the fantasy world within the Television more n more.. The outside world emotionally and spiritually was collapsing all around me. The outside world was not showing to become what I hoped it would become and as a small child; I sensed it and automatically clung to the TV set more n more n more n more n more; and I did not interact with my brothers or others in that family system; In the end I realize now they knew nothing about me; I was a perfect stranger and they didn't care either way.
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The outside world was collapsing all around me because the monsters in the building were not monsters yet; they were not treating me badly in a sense; my mother tried to several times; but my father would not allow her to; but at a certain age; when I turned 7; the masks started to come off or I started getting old enough to see what was going on; but by the time I was 9; they no longer cared what happened to me; they were trying to change me into a monster; actually; I was being changed into a monsters because I had no use for them anymore and I was ignored from that day onward... as if I was no more or had never been born...
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Heres the point; I can keep looking up to these people as if they are brothers; they are not my brothers; they are no one to me; nothing... because they are nothing...
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I have to work with God to wake up and slowly rebuild my life in this area and come out of it; Im so sick of being attached to the wrong people and the wrong situations; I want to let go; the child in me wants to hang on; so I have allot of work slowly getting God involved to help the child in me let go of the past because their was not one thing safe or good about it. Nothing. In fact; all of it must go; and I must start over.
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Jan 12, 2020 1:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: swear filter

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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