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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- January 2021
Wake up! Trying to become present
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Get right with God; God is saying
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The message about the sociopath
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Moving forward
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Beginning to move forward
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Im alone again; things are changing.
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Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am

Im starting to watch allot of shows; TV shows from the 60's; A time period I was a little boy with all my dreams and I had a father and brothers and a house; and a mother; but she was secondary...... the most important thing; I had a father..... And thats whats most important in a house hold.... I know; Ive been around for awhile. Assuming the father is helping the children develop; Im not talking about a monster... And theirs plenty of them who hurt children; but we wont go into that here.
Identity; My identity is officially on the raster of rebuilding. The first lesson is making it through old movies and TV show. I have a tendency to blank out; I have dissociative disorder; I find I can only make it through a few minutes of a show and then I turn to something else; Why? Because my brain knows Im going to be ruined and destroyed at the end of that 10 year time period 1962-1972; and its trying to protect me by dissociation when I watch Tv shows form the middle years of the 60's; it knows what comes after a certain age; its my death. IT knows those shows will build an identity that thinks its safe and will go on to building and doing great things of joy and love in life; But that identity will be destroyed by evil. So; my nervous system can sense Im going back in time and resurrecting my identity with all its memories and at some point the memories will turn to the bad years; Because of the severity of trauma the original identity will disappear for ever.
My mind pulls away from these innocent TV shows I loved so much that remind me of the innocence of the beginning of my life; but I have to watch the shows through; finish them and strengthen my identity; for I am strengthening it now; strengthening my old identity into the present. The idea is to finish those shows as if my identity has a future; meaning, I have a future as that identity. So; that identity must grow and be nourished and flourish.
When I was young; I was around all the wrong people and places and things; all dangerous; but I never knew even as I as being set up to be destroyed; I never knew; I was 2 young. And nothing I could do about it; I watched it happen; and with my eyes open; I watch my life being snuffed out and their was nothing I could do about it.. This is a time of loss; my identity destroyed and is being damaged through trauma and it starts to disintegrate; it will be replaces by a soldier trauma personality for surviving; And this wont be fun. Its a horrible horrid life.... So; when I watch these TV shows I like when child; when I watch them; Im triggered; I get flashbacks; flashbacks of things to come; my nervous system knows its only amount of time before I get trauma attacked. So; watching these shows triggers the flashbacks of bad times coming.

Heres the deal;Im going to strengthen my identity that it come back full and I feel in full in the present; then move into better things in the present; the way I would have moved into more intellectual and human building situations when young; Would have showed movement with my identity around 1970; it would have taken off about that time; and it was. Unfortunately; it never happened; I was destroyed. Now; Im rebuilding my identity; and will start over with the same idea I had in the 60's; to build my identity into a better wonderful life of wonderful holsum opportunities . the last thing I remember was watching Pippi Long stocking movies from 1969 and stuff like that; making art work at the time of the flower children and the hippies of the 60's. And at that time I would have been an ace student involved in everything political and art and drama and math and everything. Unfortunately I was crushed and destroyed. So; at the end of this situation, about 1970; severe neglect takes hold and after 1972, trauma will hit; knocking me out of alignment with myself and jarring my personality into disintegration; and it will vanish being replaced with a soldier personality that is present with no past.
The point is;
In the present Im going to come back as my original identity; and then the universe must help me with choices as to where I go or who to interact with. Right now; most of my interactions are with 12 meetings; its like being in the twilight zone; Nice people but they don't know me; they know nothing about me. It doesn't count for further exploration of my identity; not for what Im looking for; for 12 step groups; this is not their purpose; their purpose is to save lives; 12 step meetings; they are like a hospital; and for that; they do a good job; However, for my identity strength; Ill be going to new places and people and things. The people at 12 step meetings; its not their responsibility to understand or undertake my personality identity development.
where do I rebuild identity; This is the hard part ; where to go with it once its been strengthened; I will work with the universe on this; I know the direction; I remember. I don't know the connections in the outer world to build my identity. But I cant let that stop me from the continuation with the universe to bring about the high level connections Im looking for; I have to become at the level of those high level connections and then Ill match to them and attract them.
what I feel I attract.
What is an example of a high level connection; Well; when one is young; they want to get into a good school; so they study hard and get good grades and get accepted into a good school; a school of higher values and interests; something with a future. In case; with my original identity; its the same thing; Im going to want quality people and experiences; thats what counts; and thats what I will be looking for; what will it look like; I don't know; Ill have to allow my imagination to figure it out. For this is not 1970. And I was 8 years old in 1970 or 6 years old in 1968; and had many possibilities of trying new things and getting invited to many learning situations; of art and science and drama and acting and musical plays and many things. However, now at 57 years old; Im not sure; I don't care; Ill find them; but seriously; the key is to become myself again; and then attract what Im looking for. I did it at 8; I can do this at 57...
Flashback; they come so easily.
Even as I write; my mind is taken back to when I was at my fathers apartment; this is when I find out he is a serial rapist; Not on me; but on young women; And My life is hit with another area of it being snuffed out; for I have no one and no where to go at that point; I tried to live with him; only to find out I am not wanted. Im of no interest and he has a hard time feeding me; when he divorced this family system; he was not going to come back or take care of anyone; my little life is being taken from me one sick moment at a time; one moment of horror and neglect as Im being introduced to nothingness and the fact no one cares if Im alive or what Im exposed to; and it hits like giant traumas; and it will never stop ever until Im away from these predators; but Im so young and have no idea what is happening. And Ill have to be destroyed; and learn what they are; the predators; get my own help; after being destroyed and non functional; get away from them; have to give up a whole life and family systems; and start over crippled with the idea of never having a life again. The point is; Even talking about moving forward with my past life causes the CPTSD to trigger into flashbacks; and flashbacks plague me all day long especially triggered when I want to build on my original identity and get it back into alignment; so; Ive got my work cut out for me.
Alignment; However, let me say; my original identity has come back; its come back; its officially showing up on its own with its original interests and memories and joys and ambitions and things that made life worth living; no one is going to take it from me this time; my building of my original identity.


The problem is; flashbacks and critical voice; when the triggers hit; I avoid; I go from my original identity; the one starting to show itself into a safe mode avoidance syndrome as Im relieving flashbacks. but I still have my original identity; it did not get crushed this time as it did when young; its not disappearing as it did when young; for when young; it disintegrated and was gone; never to be seen again. not so now! My identity has reappeared but Im still getting hit with flashbacks and this is making me run and dislocate to other identities. However, Im not getting dislocated; instead; avoidance dissociation is occurring while in flashback and I move out of what ever Im doing into a safe dissociated area. my behavior or thinking is causing the flashback. So; the flashback stops me from developing. its like a giant cloud that takes me over and takes me away..

So; I have to hang on and for a few more minutes each time Im triggered until I can finish something I've started. My flashbacks; I don't always see them; many times I feel them; i feel the horror and pressure and fear and I dissociate. I will now learn to extend the time Im doing something good for myself and not allow dissociation. Ill work at it a little at a time. Ill work at extending what Im doing until I do not dissociate during that specific time period Im trying to keep pure.
Identity 101 has officially started; my original identity is back; Ill see if I can handle it being in 2 different places at the same time; My original identity understands and remembers the life and culture and things of the 1960's; and its being forced to try to understand and adapt and be apart of 2020; So; this causes a bit of schizophrenic confusion; Its something to be cautious about; it causes a split a canyon within me; It can split me open; the pressure of having to deal with 2 worlds at once; so; Ive got to watch it; the goal is to slowly work on dissociation; stop the dissociation and make my original identity stay original when in 2020; thus forcing it to find or create what its looking for in 2020 to replace what it was going to develop in the 1960s and yearly 70's; making it stay original; not splitting or fracturing; the goal is to keep the original identity and get it strong enough not to dissociate; thus, it must stay present and find the wonderful things of 2020; seek them out in 2020; not slip away into la la land; and I believe this can happen at this point; that my original identity returning can seek to rejoin culture at a high level in 2020 with enough work and strengthening; I am willing to believe this; proof is showing up that this can be a possibility. We will see.
What does all this mean; really mean; its means; I get my life back as if it was not hurt.
Mac book pro has time machine; same concept; My mind has its original identity form the 1960's. My mind created a time machine within itself like mac book pro; and Im rebooting into it; it has already happened; the goal now; keep the time machine reboot within myself; without being effected by virus es of the present time and just keep building on that new identity.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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