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I wrote this on another blog site

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 10, 2014 10:14 pm

Don't mind me; I need to be here. So I write a lot of blogs!

Now Im considered unsafe and certifiable by the people in the meetings.. The last girl I went out with said she was scared to death of me but the most fascinating and interesting man she has ever met..
But she refused to be my girlfriend so I dumped her. Now Im the town devil! or at least in the meetings....

You can't win. However, Out on my bike around town, and several little adult girls were looking at me. When I get more confidence I will stop them and get their numbers...
OK; So, I had 2 women of interest!
The first was a clerk at a store! she was giving me signs of attraction! so young I think she's legal! a beautiful young women! way to young! but who cares; I don't! Should I. I don't know!

What is it about beautiful women; Why do I want them so; I think I see through there beauty! I see into there future, into there eyes, into there souls! where they were hurt! at least I try to tell myself this stuff. Or I see them; the specific person and it hits me! or its just sex!~

Im scared to death to get better; what if I do get better, then what, will I get hurt again! its so heart breaking! Will I ever really get better!

I don't know what is normal: What does it look like!

When I think of a beautiful women, Im not seeing her the person. But its her the person Im interested in.
She past the beauty test, now I would like to get to know her! whey does this simply freak me out! why am I so scared of this! Im frightened to death! What if Im over come my fears; then what!
OK! Im in my head. First rule I must learn; if I do not have a date! then nothing is here! I must learn this. And learn it the hard way! If no date, nothing is here.

Its all so scary! and confusing...

I hate all bitches... possibly I do! but do I hate all girls... no! is it possible that the girl behind the beauty mask is just a scared girl. Why do I now know this. What the f#ck is wrong with me! Why didn't I know this. Well, I was asleep from Dissociative disorder!

No self esteem dealing with beautiful women although I attract them! Im scared. I feel like a small child just wandering about such things. Not ever feeling good enough about myself or good enough for anyone! Why would I considering my background.

But why could I not see that the girl could be feeling bad about herself. Does she not feel..

My problem from the past;

My first love;
If I hit on her and get her attention; then what! she can leave me for someone better! someone with money and a future. I don't have one. She would be living in shame!

I was mental when young... how could this girl leave me; I loved her with all my heart, didn't it have any value!

The first girl I loved left me! I loved her and it meant nothing to her! I could have married her! She liked me! could she do better; yes, no! As for love; no, no one loved her more then me! and ever will. Does this have value. IT has value to those who value such things!

And at the meeting today; the girl from the meetings I dated is present; and in her body language, Im starting to feel bad about myself. It feels like Im being blamed for being a crazy! Its being forced back on me!

I have to stop looking at her and taking interest! Those people are not good for me! I have to stay away from them. I need to think about who to date. Trust God and start writing.. I need people that help me feel good!

They pull you in, then drop you as soon as possible! its a game for them; their aways have a safety factor protecting! several guy friends they can turn to if in trouble! Its all about excitement for them! then they run off for safety.. Im left out on the boat when the cork is pulled; I drawn. They find another sucker to play the game! The question is; will I wake up in time to understand what is happening to me?

I saw several beautiful girls today looking in my direction. I didn't want them; I wanted the girl from the meetings.. And she is OK looking! its her heart! I like her! and she still likes me but only according to her way of things.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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