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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm

The first girl I loved; I was not suppose to break her heart; I was not suppose to break her.. and this haunts me to this day because that was not me; something else took over; I have dissociative disorder; and another personality came out and it was antisocial and took over; I had plans; I had created a life and friendship for myself. but the personality destroyed and ripped to pieces by my mother came out and took over when I was on the verge of success. And I was demoralized. As for the girl; she was innocent and led on and had no idea was going to hurt her; God; I hate using that word; looking at what happened; what I did.... or was it me? Another problem; I did not get help concerning it; I had no advice; no help; nothing; by the time I got help for what causes it; it was a life time later.
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The girl bounced back fine; or did she! No she didn't; I truly loved her; I was sent by God. She called to God; I was sent to her; and all was right with God and the universe; and then I pulled out; I was not suppose to be that kind of person. The real me is not that kind of person; but their was more then the present me inside me. I did not have the courage to withstand it. I loved someone and didn't follow through.
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So; Im learning; and thats what this writing is about; its not about the girl; the girl is long long long long long past; gone. I was smart and called her a few years later; actually, more then a few years; and I told her I loved her, was in love with her and that she had been my best friend; so; I got it out. and then I hung up.... and that was that.... Who ever it was I was talking to on the phone was a stranger from long ago that I didn't know or didn't want to know; I just wanted that person on the end of the phone so I could tell her what I was suppose to tell her in the first place. I was suppose to protect her and take care of her; thats because I loved her; that loved was put in my heart by God; with that love; that powered me to want to protect her; it was the greatest thing of my life. but I failed at it for no reason. Nothing; the girl knew nothing; she thought we had a future together....
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The point of this is; what do I do the next time. Ive had women like me; but I pulled away because they were the wrong women.
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I like women that are pure and nice; I don't like any other kind. Im not interested in manipulators that pretend to be nice and expect a really nice guy when they don't deserve it. They don't deserve it according to their behavior.
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In one newer situation; I had a women like me but she was mean to her children; put them second rate next to getting love from a man; nothing makes me more sick. Those children are human beings; they are citizens of this country; people died in a revolution to make this country what it is; that we have free speech and the ability to carry arms to protect ourselves from the government that we don't get turned into a communist or socialist society like England and the rest of them. These children are under our glorious flag and for that reason; this women should have respected those citizens. She did not; she put her own wants ahead of these children; throwing them aside for her own fantasies; so; once being sickened by this; I pulled back; this was not the person I wanted to associated with. Im not suggesting she doesn't have value with God; but what she is doing is over my head and makes me sick; Im suggesting Im in the wrong place with the wrong people and I have to find the right people to associate with.
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Because I didn't like myself anymore; because no one else like me or cared about my life at the core; I found myself around anyone; it didn't matter. no one cared about me anyway. Its interesting to me that I did not turn into a sociopath. In the hight of my dissociative disorder; I was a sociopath; or the equivalent. But I got better.... The deep hatred at the core level for the world around me turned me into a blank hardened animal with no feeling; It was all blanked out; all feeling. Now its better.
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As for the girl; She was exposed to someone that was rotten; Me! and she moved on; she was of a higher level innocence and would not put up with this; someone like me acting like a scum back that abandon her; If she had known I was like this; she would have never gotten involved with me in the first place. she just walked away innocent; and I had to look at that and wonder what was going on here with me. why was I a loser; and why now of all times; right on the verge of breaking through to the other side of my independence. I had done a great thing; I had created a friendship and put all my eggs into it; and I had the reward but could not accept that I was actually getting the reward I had worked for. I could not handle it; I could not handle being forced to move on from my childhood. I could not handle success or the thought that I was good enough for the success or handle success. So I pulled back the other direction and chickened out. Im still wondering why I keep acting like a loser. I guess Im angry and I like it; but I dont like it; its my way of getting back at deeper issues; I wanted to continue the fight and not move on; but I did want to move on. The powers that be; they drove me back into submission or the family system that had tortured me and continued to destroy me at any chance they could get; I was 2 comfortable in that family system and when I tried to leave it; I flinched back. But I was always being thrown out of it; over n over n over and that freaked me out everytime. I guess I liked being tortured because I gave up all chances for success to be back submitted to that torture that maybe one more chance Ill get my childhood back; maybe.
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I was either thrown out of the family system or tortured in it and then thrown out again and again. So I was put up against a wall of horror over n over n over n over n over; with no where to go and no way out. I was 2 young and did not know this was going to happen to my life over n over; or be in this type of sickening horrific situation of being thrown away from a family into nothingness; darkness and knassing of death.
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So now; I have wait upon God to help me. Help me out of it into the right direction.
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I could not handle moving on; I did not want to move on or be forced to move on; but moving on would have circled and given me the chance to go back to my childhood again if I wanted to; it would have been a new rout to become anything I wanted and would have allowed me to move forward into new spaces and directions that would allow me to express the child within me in new safe ways... I would have grown back into my childhood...
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Im trying to better myself and slowly work my way up the latter to better people again and understand that I have a problem.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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