Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1063)
- July 2020
Ill be single for the rest of my life; I believe maybe
   Tue Jul 07, 2020 4:17 am
Moving forward and dealing with a narc
   Sat Jul 04, 2020 4:42 pm
more topic posts from other sites
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 11:38 pm
Something happened on line with a comment
   Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 pm
   Wed Jul 01, 2020 9:18 pm

+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

I was nothing; and nothing in high school

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 31, 2019 9:27 pm

High school didn't exist for me; I was a throw away completely. I remember when I was alone living with strangers; they didn't want me. I was all alone scared to death; no one wanted me; here I was an intelligent person and I had to go get a job at a chicken place; I never got the job; I just looked at the place horrified; How did I get to this place; why didn't anyone care about me or my future; nothing.
Its horrible all of this. I was thrown away; its a deliberate act of aggression....
So; I have to rise above that period; and look at it and see what I was suppose to be doing and what I wanted and how I would have gone after it; done well in school; went to college; the whole thing was stolen from me; all things were stolen from me and left me in a state of shock; Im still in shock trying to come out of it.
I can see the general ideas of this; a destroyed neglected life; someone else was in charge of. How to I get back on my feet; get back to being someone that does not dislocate in his mind over n over n over but can set higher level goals of liking myself; I've got to get past the passive aggression toward the world and get to a higher plain of existence; that is the work...
Right now; Im locked up in my apartment with nowhere to go but the past; because the past continues to fill my mind; the resentments. I can use emdr online to help. And other things.
Its possible that Im getting closer to stepping out into the real world again and it scares me; I don't have any economics or other things; I think its going to be a repeat of what's happened before or the last time. friends that never stayed my friends and other situations that left me over n over n o ver and no one cared; nothing; just complete abandonment; over n over n over; until I didn't care anymore about anything. and felt worthless and scared and needed to protect myself at all costs. I still need to do this,
Im always trying to find out who I am and what to do. I have some talents but don't care; where am I suppose to use them; I don't feel safe and I don't want to be used. I don't believe in any of this out here in these societies; nothing. Not sure.
I know how to make plans; but I have no destinations.
. .
I could say; Im trying to become an artist; so what? thats what I think; big deal; so now Im an artist; who's got the money for it. All Im doing is kissing up to the person buying the painting or art work. I see nothing positive about it.
So; I have a massive amount of anger and rage and pain and just want to escape.
I was thinking about Witch Mountain the Disney movie when I was a kid; I hid in a lot of movies when I was a kid. I miss that; I don't know why I gave them up or the tv shows I loved; I saw how I wanted to be when I got older; well; after massive abandonment and losing my original house as a kid and life and home town and friends and everything I was thrown away; I never ever got on my feet. I still don't know how. I dont belong to any group; like relatives or anything; I wont claim any of those filth; nothing. Or any friends from that home town; I had no friends; maybe a few guys I knew when young... but other then that; nothing.
I family system; I was thrown away from that; they were pure evil monsters..... pure evil; all of it. So now Im a know where man trying to understand my next move.
I would like a soulmate; but Im thinking; really; with no money; I see how women act these days; they have no respect for anything especially men. Whats the point.
Somethings got to give. I mean; to have more courage in the outside world... something; getting my mind back taking chances in the outside world; something somehow..... something. a purpose.
Im at 12 step meetings; its boring and Im tired of it; its not helping; Im just there because they were not meant to take the place of a full family system. I have to make plans to go after what I want but I dont believe in anything... I dont see how I can be happy; so I will have to look at happiness and what makes me happy and how to bite the bullet and go after it in the outside world. not give up. But I feel like such a fake; an imposter; thats the only way I can make it out their; being myself has no value unless their is more education behind it or direction or money or something that represents who I am; Ive been through great things; no one cares..... no one appreciates it anyway.
So; I can spend the rest of my life locked up in an apartment going to 12 step meetings or head outward.
Its not like I haven't tried; God has brought me people to go do things of a higher nature; Im going through a kind of monk mode right now and Im trying to get to know myself a little more....
Ive missed out on most of my life and what I could have done with it; buried and that is that. Ive never used my talents; dont know what I would do with them..... or who I would perform in front of. I dont know anymore; what's the use what's the point; thats how I see it. it will just be taken away from me like everything else and everything else has been taken away from me.... So; what do I do...
It still frightens me and makes me sick; what happened to me in my early life; where I was used by the first group of people I was associating with; I didn't know they were just using me. I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 324 times

Who is online

Registered users: ArbreMonde, Bing [Bot], Blade118, Esmoke, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Hyuukichan123, Ineedhelp300, Ixion, jaus tail, littleDaria, MakersDozn, Mittens120995, redrob