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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- May 2020
The idea of never dating women ever again
   Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

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I was nothing; and nothing in high school

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 31, 2019 9:27 pm

High school didn't exist for me; I was a throw away completely. I remember when I was alone living with strangers; they didn't want me. I was all alone scared to death; no one wanted me; here I was an intelligent person and I had to go get a job at a chicken place; I never got the job; I just looked at the place horrified; How did I get to this place; why didn't anyone care about me or my future; nothing.
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Its horrible all of this. I was thrown away; its a deliberate act of aggression....
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So; I have to rise above that period; and look at it and see what I was suppose to be doing and what I wanted and how I would have gone after it; done well in school; went to college; the whole thing was stolen from me; all things were stolen from me and left me in a state of shock; Im still in shock trying to come out of it.
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I can see the general ideas of this; a destroyed neglected life; someone else was in charge of. How to I get back on my feet; get back to being someone that does not dislocate in his mind over n over n over but can set higher level goals of liking myself; I've got to get past the passive aggression toward the world and get to a higher plain of existence; that is the work...
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Right now; Im locked up in my apartment with nowhere to go but the past; because the past continues to fill my mind; the resentments. I can use emdr online to help. And other things.
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Its possible that Im getting closer to stepping out into the real world again and it scares me; I don't have any economics or other things; I think its going to be a repeat of what's happened before or the last time. friends that never stayed my friends and other situations that left me over n over n o ver and no one cared; nothing; just complete abandonment; over n over n over; until I didn't care anymore about anything. and felt worthless and scared and needed to protect myself at all costs. I still need to do this,
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Im always trying to find out who I am and what to do. I have some talents but don't care; where am I suppose to use them; I don't feel safe and I don't want to be used. I don't believe in any of this out here in these societies; nothing. Not sure.
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I know how to make plans; but I have no destinations.
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I could say; Im trying to become an artist; so what? thats what I think; big deal; so now Im an artist; who's got the money for it. All Im doing is kissing up to the person buying the painting or art work. I see nothing positive about it.
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So; I have a massive amount of anger and rage and pain and just want to escape.
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I was thinking about Witch Mountain the Disney movie when I was a kid; I hid in a lot of movies when I was a kid. I miss that; I don't know why I gave them up or the tv shows I loved; I saw how I wanted to be when I got older; well; after massive abandonment and losing my original house as a kid and life and home town and friends and everything I was thrown away; I never ever got on my feet. I still don't know how. I dont belong to any group; like relatives or anything; I wont claim any of those filth; nothing. Or any friends from that home town; I had no friends; maybe a few guys I knew when young... but other then that; nothing.
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I family system; I was thrown away from that; they were pure evil monsters..... pure evil; all of it. So now Im a know where man trying to understand my next move.
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I would like a soulmate; but Im thinking; really; with no money; I see how women act these days; they have no respect for anything especially men. Whats the point.
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Somethings got to give. I mean; to have more courage in the outside world... something; getting my mind back taking chances in the outside world; something somehow..... something. a purpose.
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Im at 12 step meetings; its boring and Im tired of it; its not helping; Im just there because they were not meant to take the place of a full family system. I have to make plans to go after what I want but I dont believe in anything... I dont see how I can be happy; so I will have to look at happiness and what makes me happy and how to bite the bullet and go after it in the outside world. not give up. But I feel like such a fake; an imposter; thats the only way I can make it out their; being myself has no value unless their is more education behind it or direction or money or something that represents who I am; Ive been through great things; no one cares..... no one appreciates it anyway.
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So; I can spend the rest of my life locked up in an apartment going to 12 step meetings or head outward.
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Its not like I haven't tried; God has brought me people to go do things of a higher nature; Im going through a kind of monk mode right now and Im trying to get to know myself a little more....
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Ive missed out on most of my life and what I could have done with it; buried and that is that. Ive never used my talents; dont know what I would do with them..... or who I would perform in front of. I dont know anymore; what's the use what's the point; thats how I see it. it will just be taken away from me like everything else and everything else has been taken away from me.... So; what do I do...
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It still frightens me and makes me sick; what happened to me in my early life; where I was used by the first group of people I was associating with; I didn't know they were just using me. I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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