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I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am

Im blaming myself for being attacked by a sociopath; Im playing the victim and its costing me; its attracting sociopaths; their coming out of the walls to get me. Im playing passive aggressive and its back firing; I thought it would keep the sociopaths away from me; instead its attracting them. Im being forced to leave where Im at because of it. Will this ever stop. I keep wanting to blame myself for their actions. But I wont get up and leave.
Im trying to fight against them with passive aggression and its not working; in reality; I would rather not know them; Im trying to recover around them and they are discovering me. Im found out. and Im scared and want to run; I freeze from being frightened of them. I don't know what to do; " help"; I don't know who to call for help.
Help Help Help... thats all I can say about it... Help!!! Where do I get off this train. someone stop the train so I can get off.
I see in black n white thinking like theirs nothing else I can do; just black and white thinking; so; Ive got a trauma bond; its a remake of the past all over again. Im reliving everything from my past all over again and Im not sure what to do about it.
Im around group of people that are not policed.... so; one learns to get tough; but I haven't been trough about anything; not tough enough.
I have been developing in my recovery; and I need to continue.... Im doing OKe. Im trying to build my presence back... my life.. my boundaries.
I have to keep working at things; not give up; keep going at it... not throw in the towel. Its hard when I don't win; I keep trying to win against the sociopaths and I loose. when will I ever wake up and stop gambling with them; I want to spit in their face and I cant; Im to chicken; Im not man enough and they know this and see that Im a coward and scared and then they attack me... And I get scared and feel scared...
They call my bluff...
I don't want to get pulled into a fight.... I don't want to get at their level.....
Im not the only one going through it; other people are being bothered by the same people; but I feel paralyzed to do anything about it; I might as well be molested; thats the way it feels; like someone can touch my body without my permission....
So; its a reenactment of the past all over again; and my manhood crumbles because of it and no one else is protecting me.. No one... and I hate this; it reminds me of being thrown way.
I want to put my foot down; but if I do; Im giving into these sociopaths. and Im not going to do that; Im not going respond; Ill leave instead...
I have to be able to leave; Im trying trying to make my home in a nest of thieves; basically because I feel safer around them then the middle class people in neighborhoods that judge me and try to destroy me according to my economics....
It seems like Ive got no place I can call my own or my home. So; I have to keep going; keep working with the universe for an answer to this.. an answer to a home...


Ive noticed later; every sociopath in the world showing up around me; they are showing up when Im showing up; but Im avoiding them for the most part; but right now; their coming out of the seems; Im not protected; Im wondering where God is...
Im wondering where God has been my whole life; I don't get it; I had a nice life for a little while when a child; but then it was taken away from me; stripped and I was dumped; what do I do now.
I was used by people before. what do I do now...
Where do I go...
So; Im in the middle of no mans land; Ive got 12 step meetings that I go to; I don't have much else accept writing. I don't know anyone else; and the universe; doesn't seem to be bringing me anyone else. However, I have discovered a few things; the world is all around me; Im not open to it. but that is because Im worth more then this.. So; where is the world that is worth more then this.
Im not protecting myself; and at some point the sociopath will hit..
I was demoralized by my mother 1 million times and its left its effects on me; leaving me de moralized. I was rejected 1 million times and Im trying to come out of it to something better and was hoping the universe would help me; Im still waiting on it; I don't understand how or why these sociopaths keep showing up around me.
You get what you focus on. but am I focusing on them; or is it that they want around me. Is it me or them. Im not the only one; they bug allot of people; Im still playing the victim; allowing them to get close to me or catching me with my guard down; I get touched or talked to in in appropriate ways... Its as if it never ends...
Im at war with sociopaths and they keep showing up? Yes; Im the trouble maker that is bringing them on. Im trying to have safe passage...
Im not sure what to do about it. but I do now; Have more money then I need; that would fix it..
What I focus on is whats important. Where am I going... what direction...
Ive noticed that when Im heading out of the box; they show up to pull me down.
I have to keep working at it. Wondering what God has in store for me...
Im working on changing my focus.
I have to work with God to have God bring the right people around me.
So; I have to keep at it and not stop no matter what; keep writing stories about myself. Im learning some things.
Ill keep at it; and keep going in the direction Im suppose to go...
Im so sorry this keeps happening to me.... what am I suppose to do... I am at war with these sociopath; I just wanted to live in a world that was safe; but a safe world is in an upper frequency; this is why people do big jobs and make bigger money; its all for the money so they can live in nice neighborhoods. thats why they make the money they do.
Ill have to keep getting honest about it.
Im trying to get honest about it; that Im being victimized by a sociopath. its bothers me and I haven't been able to do anything about it or no how to do anything about it. its like being bulling again; but when they put their hands on me; its to far but I want do anything about it. So; Im waiting on the universe to help me... so; universe; what do I do; I feel used and violated.
talk is cheap; I have to learn how to react to them and I'm not ready for that.
Im not being forced into situations where Im touched or bothered; but I am getting reeled into situations where Im being touched and bothered by people physically touching me...
Im want to be in a safe place; so; I have to work with God and where to go. I don't understand this...
I have to report honestly on this stuff if Im going to get better; I want a certain kind of world to live in; but Im not defending any of it; nothing...
Im not defending myself and Im humiliated again by it; and I was so close. Im disappointed; I guess they were watching the whole time to attack. Ill have to work with my higher power on this...
Is nowhere safe... nothing...
Nothing seems to be safe......
Lots of stuff going on right now.
So; Ive been wounded again; and have to start over again; work with the universe on this...
I know Im getting closer or the sociopaths would not be attacking me or showing up around me.
Ill keep working on it.
I realized my mind has been opened to knew things; and along the way Im getting marred again by sociopaths. I don't like it because Im not defending myself and I down no how; I know what the game is; Id have to leave where Im at or deal with them and they cant be dealt with...
Im actually sitting around many of them; I have to learn how to deal with them...
I must trust my higher power and keep working toward what I want... keep at it.
The child in me keeps opening up; and that is good but I don't want that child hurt by anyone again. and Im not protecting myself...
I have to learn to stand up for myself; the sociopaths can sense this; and they keep at it; keep coming at me at different times like they own me; like I have a rent sign on my back and I freeze up; and thats what they want to see. Ill have to keep working with the universe; Ive seen it all before.
They see weakness and attack.... Im not strong enough to defend myself; Im scared and startled and I have expectations that their going to act in a certain way; " they wouldn't go this low would they". And then they do; So; Im actually scared and don't know what to do; and the child in me is traumatized now in the present; and Im dam mad about it. It doesn't stop; or I'm not able to protect myself; and Im dam mad about it; its like being bullied.
I hang out at places with a bunch of sociopaths and criminals and I wonder why they act like sociopaths or predators looking for weak people or criminals that hit on me. So; Im like the victim thats looking for the victimizers; Im waiting for them to attack me and then I claim Im a victim. Im still working with God; so I don't get it...
I have to keep going regardless..
I have to feel safe from physical touch. Some one touching me in appropriately......
They are habitual.... I hate it; I hate getting any contact with this person.... I have to say something and stand up for myself; but I know how they are; the more attention; they keep coming at you; their like alligators that never stop.... I don't want to help them out by pointing out what their doing; I don't want them around me period...
Im mad that I have to get up and do something about it or stand up for myself or what I believe in; I have to get off my Azz- and do something about it....
I have to stand up and leave; not lower myself and or not go into the places I go un prepared or acting like I can let my guard down. I let my guard down as if Im in control; but thats not working in a place like this; they are not buying into it and im getting caught with my pants down and humiliated and thats why Im mad. and Im still mad; so I have to decide what I want to do.
Im not ready to fight back; I have to take this to the universe; Im to snobbish to fight back; Im to good for this and everything else. I dont have to fight back. Im worth more then this; this is someone imposing on me when Im in a group of people.
What am I going to do; or do about it; Ill have to decide.
I have this problem of putting myself around bullies habitually and wanting to stand up against them but I never win; I get torn to pieces. I get trampled under their feet and torn to pieces....
And im sill not telling the truth because Im blaming them for my behavior; its my behavior that Im mad at; im a coward and wont fight back; Im to scared and in a state of grief about other things; its like being caught when Im weak and I go into shock....

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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