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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am

Im blaming myself for being attacked by a sociopath; Im playing the victim and its costing me; its attracting sociopaths; their coming out of the walls to get me. Im playing passive aggressive and its back firing; I thought it would keep the sociopaths away from me; instead its attracting them. Im being forced to leave where Im at because of it. Will this ever stop. I keep wanting to blame myself for their actions. But I wont get up and leave.
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Im trying to fight against them with passive aggression and its not working; in reality; I would rather not know them; Im trying to recover around them and they are discovering me. Im found out. and Im scared and want to run; I freeze from being frightened of them. I don't know what to do; " help"; I don't know who to call for help.
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Help Help Help... thats all I can say about it... Help!!! Where do I get off this train. someone stop the train so I can get off.
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I see in black n white thinking like theirs nothing else I can do; just black and white thinking; so; Ive got a trauma bond; its a remake of the past all over again. Im reliving everything from my past all over again and Im not sure what to do about it.
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Im around group of people that are not policed.... so; one learns to get tough; but I haven't been trough about anything; not tough enough.
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I have been developing in my recovery; and I need to continue.... Im doing OKe. Im trying to build my presence back... my life.. my boundaries.
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I have to keep working at things; not give up; keep going at it... not throw in the towel. Its hard when I don't win; I keep trying to win against the sociopaths and I loose. when will I ever wake up and stop gambling with them; I want to spit in their face and I cant; Im to chicken; Im not man enough and they know this and see that Im a coward and scared and then they attack me... And I get scared and feel scared...
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They call my bluff...
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I don't want to get pulled into a fight.... I don't want to get at their level.....
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Im not the only one going through it; other people are being bothered by the same people; but I feel paralyzed to do anything about it; I might as well be molested; thats the way it feels; like someone can touch my body without my permission....
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So; its a reenactment of the past all over again; and my manhood crumbles because of it and no one else is protecting me.. No one... and I hate this; it reminds me of being thrown way.
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I want to put my foot down; but if I do; Im giving into these sociopaths. and Im not going to do that; Im not going respond; Ill leave instead...
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I have to be able to leave; Im trying trying to make my home in a nest of thieves; basically because I feel safer around them then the middle class people in neighborhoods that judge me and try to destroy me according to my economics....
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It seems like Ive got no place I can call my own or my home. So; I have to keep going; keep working with the universe for an answer to this.. an answer to a home...
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Ive noticed later; every sociopath in the world showing up around me; they are showing up when Im showing up; but Im avoiding them for the most part; but right now; their coming out of the seems; Im not protected; Im wondering where God is...
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Im wondering where God has been my whole life; I don't get it; I had a nice life for a little while when a child; but then it was taken away from me; stripped and I was dumped; what do I do now.
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I was used by people before. what do I do now...
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Where do I go...
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So; Im in the middle of no mans land; Ive got 12 step meetings that I go to; I don't have much else accept writing. I don't know anyone else; and the universe; doesn't seem to be bringing me anyone else. However, I have discovered a few things; the world is all around me; Im not open to it. but that is because Im worth more then this.. So; where is the world that is worth more then this.
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Im not protecting myself; and at some point the sociopath will hit..
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I was demoralized by my mother 1 million times and its left its effects on me; leaving me de moralized. I was rejected 1 million times and Im trying to come out of it to something better and was hoping the universe would help me; Im still waiting on it; I don't understand how or why these sociopaths keep showing up around me.
You get what you focus on. but am I focusing on them; or is it that they want around me. Is it me or them. Im not the only one; they bug allot of people; Im still playing the victim; allowing them to get close to me or catching me with my guard down; I get touched or talked to in in appropriate ways... Its as if it never ends...
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Im at war with sociopaths and they keep showing up? Yes; Im the trouble maker that is bringing them on. Im trying to have safe passage...
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Im not sure what to do about it. but I do now; Have more money then I need; that would fix it..
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What I focus on is whats important. Where am I going... what direction...
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Ive noticed that when Im heading out of the box; they show up to pull me down.
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I have to keep working at it. Wondering what God has in store for me...
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Im working on changing my focus.
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I have to work with God to have God bring the right people around me.
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So; I have to keep at it and not stop no matter what; keep writing stories about myself. Im learning some things.
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Ill keep at it; and keep going in the direction Im suppose to go...
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Im so sorry this keeps happening to me.... what am I suppose to do... I am at war with these sociopath; I just wanted to live in a world that was safe; but a safe world is in an upper frequency; this is why people do big jobs and make bigger money; its all for the money so they can live in nice neighborhoods. thats why they make the money they do.
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Ill have to keep getting honest about it.
Im trying to get honest about it; that Im being victimized by a sociopath. its bothers me and I haven't been able to do anything about it or no how to do anything about it. its like being bulling again; but when they put their hands on me; its to far but I want do anything about it. So; Im waiting on the universe to help me... so; universe; what do I do; I feel used and violated.
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talk is cheap; I have to learn how to react to them and I'm not ready for that.
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Im not being forced into situations where Im touched or bothered; but I am getting reeled into situations where Im being touched and bothered by people physically touching me...
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Im want to be in a safe place; so; I have to work with God and where to go. I don't understand this...
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I have to report honestly on this stuff if Im going to get better; I want a certain kind of world to live in; but Im not defending any of it; nothing...
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Im not defending myself and Im humiliated again by it; and I was so close. Im disappointed; I guess they were watching the whole time to attack. Ill have to work with my higher power on this...
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Is nowhere safe... nothing...
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Nothing seems to be safe......
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Lots of stuff going on right now.
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So; Ive been wounded again; and have to start over again; work with the universe on this...
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I know Im getting closer or the sociopaths would not be attacking me or showing up around me.
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Ill keep working on it.
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I realized my mind has been opened to knew things; and along the way Im getting marred again by sociopaths. I don't like it because Im not defending myself and I down no how; I know what the game is; Id have to leave where Im at or deal with them and they cant be dealt with...
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Im actually sitting around many of them; I have to learn how to deal with them...
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I must trust my higher power and keep working toward what I want... keep at it.
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The child in me keeps opening up; and that is good but I don't want that child hurt by anyone again. and Im not protecting myself...
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I have to learn to stand up for myself; the sociopaths can sense this; and they keep at it; keep coming at me at different times like they own me; like I have a rent sign on my back and I freeze up; and thats what they want to see. Ill have to keep working with the universe; Ive seen it all before.
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They see weakness and attack.... Im not strong enough to defend myself; Im scared and startled and I have expectations that their going to act in a certain way; " they wouldn't go this low would they". And then they do; So; Im actually scared and don't know what to do; and the child in me is traumatized now in the present; and Im dam mad about it. It doesn't stop; or I'm not able to protect myself; and Im dam mad about it; its like being bullied.
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I hang out at places with a bunch of sociopaths and criminals and I wonder why they act like sociopaths or predators looking for weak people or criminals that hit on me. So; Im like the victim thats looking for the victimizers; Im waiting for them to attack me and then I claim Im a victim. Im still working with God; so I don't get it...
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I have to keep going regardless..
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I have to feel safe from physical touch. Some one touching me in appropriately......
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They are habitual.... I hate it; I hate getting any contact with this person.... I have to say something and stand up for myself; but I know how they are; the more attention; they keep coming at you; their like alligators that never stop.... I don't want to help them out by pointing out what their doing; I don't want them around me period...
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Im mad that I have to get up and do something about it or stand up for myself or what I believe in; I have to get off my Azz- and do something about it....
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I have to stand up and leave; not lower myself and or not go into the places I go un prepared or acting like I can let my guard down. I let my guard down as if Im in control; but thats not working in a place like this; they are not buying into it and im getting caught with my pants down and humiliated and thats why Im mad. and Im still mad; so I have to decide what I want to do.
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Im not ready to fight back; I have to take this to the universe; Im to snobbish to fight back; Im to good for this and everything else. I dont have to fight back. Im worth more then this; this is someone imposing on me when Im in a group of people.
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What am I going to do; or do about it; Ill have to decide.
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I have this problem of putting myself around bullies habitually and wanting to stand up against them but I never win; I get torn to pieces. I get trampled under their feet and torn to pieces....
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And im sill not telling the truth because Im blaming them for my behavior; its my behavior that Im mad at; im a coward and wont fight back; Im to scared and in a state of grief about other things; its like being caught when Im weak and I go into shock....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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