April 2024
March 2024
I get freaked out when I go from protected mode within my mind; where Im writing or creating or expressing; I get unstable if I think I have to go outside.. I mean; Im completely disabled like others with severe PTSD and agoraphobia and Dissociative Disorder.
Im a big thinker and expresser but for the real world; Im so miss matched for the place; I mean; I have the mentality of an 8 year old watching cartoons; Im not well at reality... at all. in fact reality is someone else taking care of me like Im 7 years old watching Tv eating a TV dinner they made for me.
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All the work Im doing is good. At points; things change for me. Will things change drastically in the real world for me; I dont know...
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I love music and art but wont create any of it because Im sick of the loneliness unless reason for doing it; its never for me its always about chasing something; Its like I have no purpose for it.. why would I do it. Its suppose to be for developing. developing me. No other reason. its suppose to be mine but its not. Ill keep working with God on this stuff. Maybe a break through will occur; a reason for doing some of this stuff; I dont know.
Another break through has occurred; the ability to understand that I must be motivated to call someone if I want to see them or ask them out; the motivation; and go up and see them; but a new motion as occurred; the ability to then; after introducing myself and being around them a bit; to just go sit with them in my imagination; just sit next to them and be me. and deal with the anxiety. And get used to it; like being socialized at the right level. This is a very important concept because it is a way of getting used to the surroundings; including people I might want to spend time with. So; its just sitting next to them and just being... And this new area is starting to appear.. very important. because Im landing in new backyards and this is the way to get used to it; and that Im suppose to be their...
This is the action that was taken away from me when young; the ability to adapt to new surroundings;. I was just in the beginning phases of it when I was destroyed.
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Ive mentioned a time before women; before meeting women; That would be adolescences. Or it would mean at this point; memories; my last memories.
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I talk allot about women because Im always expected in society to want or marry or be with women or date women; and that could never happen because a deeper me was developing before one meets women; it is that deeper me that was pulled out of his life during the beginning of adolescence..
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So; that deeper me; God is beginning to allow to show up. However, their is a big big big problem.
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Problems;
How do I begin this form of the adolescent period when I have not the backdrop setting for it. I dont have the family or house or friends or age or schooling or... and it goes on n on n on....
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So; how does this happen without me getting traumatized; the child in me getting traumatized. How? How can I ask this ripped up part of me to come back out into the world with no world set up for him; Thats the clueless condition with God. I have to want it and wait on God; but its a dangerous scary thing; even thinking about bringing those feelings that represent the real deep me; Im afraid they will be hacked of; hacked to death. But I get it tho.
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Im starting to get it.
The goal is to re live those years; go from where I was before I was being destroyed; and go from that moment. God is allowing; slowly allowing me to see who I was at that moment when things were OK; I mean; they were solid and good and I had a future and I was developing. Because it seemed in a few moments; LIGHTS OUT.
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So; Ok; I mean; its like OK; I get it; I see what God is up to; I see what God is doing; I see whats happening inside of me. God is trying to re create me exactly like I was before I got hurt when young. Back in that place. I understand. I just dont know how hes going to do it when I have memories of things but no real tangible stuff to play with.
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Heres my point. I remember the outside; the other houses; I remember my father; I remember the snowmobiles. I remember my bikes the garage; the trees the grass; the television shows. I remember what I was doing.. I remember going across the street on sunny days and looking at the trees up close and the bugs and stuff. or roller skating or on my bike. Or walking around the block; day dreaming and looking around.
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I remember so much; I had a full life rolling. All kinds of enrichments. Fine; I remember playing with a Lit Brite toy.... I remember taking it to my fiends house to play with it their. Am I suppose to do that was an adult?
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Im grateful that I can see my future; I see whats happening; But Im not sure how this will happen. I get it tho; The more I remember; the I know who I really am. The real me is coming back on line.
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I remember watching artist on TV from that time period; am I suppose to go buy their music and listen to it? Am I suppose to run in the park because I did when I was a kid. I mean; what is suppose to trigger this... get me back into alignment of being me.
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I had opportunities when very young I dont have right now. Or maybe I do but dont know about it.
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I get it... I see whats happening.
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One thing im afraid of. As I continue my recovery process when will the living process start.
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I guess I should be grateful any of this has the ability to heal in the first place. I mean; that I can get in touch with any of this for it to heal. It would be interesting to see any of this open up. I would like it to. I mean; its me opening up. its me!
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So; im getting it; I mean; the memories or not memories; they are me. Its as if the child in me wants to continue or wants to explore again his memories and go from their. Its open for him if I leave him alone... he wants to go home. For him its the only home he has ever known; their is no other. He wants to go home and continue to develop; and Im wondering how God is going to pull this off...
I have allot of damage from being forced into wrong places and being around monsters... my nervous system was destroyed; it was like being in a war. I dont remember anything of those time periods; my mind wont let me. So; whats next for me... ?
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In all of this; sadly enough; its still depersonalization.. So; theirs no women. Women would come later. In this stage of my life; this is before women. thats why its important to have God create situations to work through it so I can move through it and grow a bit.... So I can head in the right direction from my beginning origins...
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As for women; I just dont know. I dont get it. God never brought anyone of any quality to me. Thats not true; their was a few drug addict girls I liked; they liked me; they weren't clean very long; One was mentally ill schiz0-; the other was a cute little blond girl; I knew she really liked me... Anyway; the rest dont count; they were man shopping all the time while riding in my cart. Im not happy about it because several were suppose to be soulmates; and they knew this.
Im assuming these were lessons and nothing more; lessons that would wake me up from dissociative disorder to get me to where Im at now. They were never suppose to associate with me. IT was all about developing. So; technically ive had no one for a relationship; nothing. ive never met anyone in the outside world for such things..
So; Ive been exposed to what its like when evil or worthless Wh_r_s like me; its completely worthless; in fact I end up nowhere. I dont trust them... The problem is; I dont know anyone else. I dont quality for anything else. I dont know anyone else. possibly before I die I can be around the right people; and we will see; I dont know. I dont trust any of them; not anymore... Not for a relationship.. They seem to want only one thing; money. The problem has been; There not in their place; and a decent man wont take anything less; they just wont. And what do I have to offer them; Nothing; no money.
So; right now I focus on what Im suppose to do with my life. Their may be a good chance unfortunately; that in this life time; I wont be with any women. and I know that... time is running out for me; Im old... I simply dont understand God on this. I guess my life is about getting back the journey I originally was presented and I wont be with anyone in a relationship... Suck worthless life. I mean. OKe. Its like; seriously; is this why I was born. really? This is it... anyway.. Who knows...
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Ive never felt like Boyfriend material or marriage material because Im not material; Im a human being...
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Right now Im looking at development; The continuation of why Im here on planet earth. what am I doing here; What do I need to get back inline so I can do what im suppose to do with my life. Right now Im suppose to be on the search for what Im suppose to do... and I am. And Im working on it. Ill keep working with God....
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