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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1028)
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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I keep showing up

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jan 10, 2018 5:30 pm

Ive learned to show up to things! Ive not always gotten what I want directly; but I slowly get better indirectly.
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Ive found that indirectly, in the recovery process in general ; I get better!
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Where am I; where do I want to go! what do I want?; these are important guidelines to my life! If I could trust to get in touch with what I want; Ill know where Im going!
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Appearances and prejudice; Why I dont shave!
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When you dont know where you are or where you want to be; you dont shave! you let yourself wonder; you let yourself go! no big deal; except the world around me will judge me into the ground with bigotry and contempt and prejudice. They notice; " it must mean he's not working or has a life"; I get judged!
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When I know where I want to be and what I want to do; I will shave and clean up; not because someone else has told me; but because I want to! Im excited for myself, for my life; I know where I want to go!
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Who do I want to be with! I dont know! I see allot of pretty girls; beautiful women; I want to make love to them; but not bad enough to get involved with them; why?; I dont know! Maybe because its to much work; I'm not interested in all that work! I am interested in long term relationships!
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In order to have a friend; I have to be a friend to someone; this does not mean; ill be your friend so now you can give me something; I can get something from you! thats not friendship! Friendship is where you love someone and cherish the other person first! you naturally want to see good things for them; in their life and you want to take care them!
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What do I want!
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I come from a background of developmental trauma disorder! So, things are very hard! I was not prepared to switch lives from what appeared a normal middle class life to nothing throw away life; I never saw it coming! 2 different lives! I had no development past the ages of 9! and I had very little development up to the age of 9. I had allot of dreams and fantasies from 0 to 9! They never caught actualized.
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My life was destroyed and put on hold; actually strangled out of existence as a child!
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Im trying to wake up from this and get back onto the movement of my natural life direction! Im slowly learning how to do this; its not for the faint of heart; all this stuff; this recovery process! To say I dont deserve this; of course I dont deserve having to go through all this pain and torment! the fact is; Im in it! and I have to do something about it! I can do something about it!
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Goal setting! I work with God and goals! goals are extraordinary; they allow my brain to have specific destinations to work toward! Im never lost! However, some of the goals can be stretched to thin and cause pain! For example! if I told you I wanted a new truck and that truck cost 30,000 dollars; and I had no money! This can break a person if they think about this to long! This could cause depression! I have to keep the goal and work with God on this! learn a process of going a bit general! possibly, ask God for the pathways that lead to my gaol; start with that; look for those pathways; learn to have a relationship with a higher power of the universe. Im learning these things right now!
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I keep working toward my goals! sometimes; Im asked to visualize; this is the advice from the experts! So; I have to learn how to visualize and I dont like it! I find myself sabotaging the visualization process half way through, because I dont want to believe; I want to run away; run home! Im 6 years old and I just want to go home! But no real home can be found! So, I must turn to God to rebuild a home; thats the point of the visualizations; to help the process of success. I dissociate when I dont want to! I dont want to protect myself from the pain or uncomfortableness of visualization; I want to work through it and learn to let go! Im scared or terrorized to death that I wont be able to let go; or handle finishing a visualization; Ill realize the gravity of my situation; that Im all alone and on my own; and this isn't fair; "Is this all I a have to create a future? this is it! Ill feel the pain of being nothing; or feeling like an outcast 2nd class citizen! This is the hardest thing! So, mind over matter and I have to keep going; make a goal of it; know what Im trying to complete! because today, my future depends on me and God; source energy and the universe! I am the deliberate creator of my universe! Im learning the importance of feeling my feelings; let them feel, dont concentrate on the thoughts Im seeing in my head while Im feeling negative fear anxiety; just concentrate on the feelings and let them open up and feel. let them continue; dont block them; hang on as long as I can.
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This is hard; I need support. At this time I would like to create a group of people on my side; a mastermind group! However, I have to be willing to work through some PTSD problem first! I have to finish a visualization; I must! Ive made hundreds of vague visualizations off what I want in life; never really being able to touch anything close up within the visualizations! Im to scared to commit! I have to take visualization to a deeper harder more pronounced level! I must!
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Some of my goals are new or changing! meaning, I have the old goal but the human connection side of goals is starting! Friends, connecting to source energy! learning how to be a friends; asking source energy to bring the right people that I can practice connection! Knowing what I want! knowing what I want in people; knowing what I want in the level of economic life I want to live; learning that the most important manifestation is learning to believe this and that I deserve it! what would work for me; what will not! And setting goals and learning to see things positive; that what I want will and can come about and believing it! and this is where the pain work arrises! I have much animosity and rage in these areas; I was thrown away by these type of people; people who had a life and had things; they robbed me of my life! Now; I must make a decision; do I want to continue to look at what they did to me or create new visions of where I want to go and be! I can say this only because Ive spent the correct amount of years dealing with the past; Ive actually put in the time to correct the past or look at it; sift through it! Now that Ive sifted through it; when will it be enough! I think Im at that place; that jumping off place! my past is beginning to sound like a broken record! ( a record; the kind you used on a phonograph in the 1960's). Everything is repeating itself! I would not hurt to work on those issues that cause economic hardship; even tho they are directly connected with the past and being lost and thrown away! Its causing pain if I dont deal with them; and its starting to even itself out! I feel like I want a mother and father with me to work through these things; I get scared and overwhelmed; I have to ask source energy of the universe for help! " bring me new parents source energy that will help me work on my stuff".
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Im interested in attracting my Asian-soulmate! I have a feelings she will be a teacher of some kind; astronomy.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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