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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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I just wanted to say more about dating

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 30, 2020 7:50 am

Ive wanted to date all my life with no success because I never found anyone with enough depth to understand me or what I was going through. I never went after any women. Nothing. I saw what they were like by the time I was 16 years old. I did not want them destroying my life or my nervous system or rupturing my nervous system again... they are not safe people to be around. They are or can be murder's.
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Did I ever really believe a women wanted me? no! I felt they were looking for something way over my head; way beyond me; they were never nice people; non of the ones I ever met; non of them. In fact they seemed untouchable. I was of no interest to them ever... Not the real me....
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Ive wanted to date someone; the right person so I could be back to normal in a normal life again. but it never happened ever.
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only in the last several years after studying how to have success has things opened up for me.
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I have dissociative disorder and cant get near people enough to establish long lasting relationships; certainly not with women. And they dont understand my condition its over their heads. They won't get here me once they understand I have problems.
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Im trying to change before I die. Get old and die. My biggest goal was and is experience; experience builds confidence.. and confidence allows me to move forward where it was fear holding me back... Do women help me with this; NO; they have no idea this is going on inside me... they dont have a clue who I am; when they find out; they run....
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What I was hoping for while working with my disability; I was hoping for simply social interactions with specific women I felt came to me because I had asked God for a soulmate; I believe he has sent them to me several times. All I was hoping for was a little ability to interact nothing more; like getting bread crumbs from a table; that was all I wanted until those little bread crumbs added up to the ability to start sentences with them and interact with them in one good conversation.... and then maybe ask them out. Experience is what I was looking for; one chance at a time; getting the courage to walk up and talk to them one question at a time.
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Ive gotten to the point while working with God and trusting God; that ive been able to face many of those fears and I have collected bread crumbs and they are adding up.... My experience is turning into confidence; are their any women left to date; I dont know; I wait upon God for this. ive not found anyone I like that I want to date; I want a nice girl; all I find are monkey branches; hypergamists; convenience loyalty; those convenient right now but looking for a better opportunity to move upward to a better man... and they have other men in waiting. With these type of women; ive attempting inner action and gained little bits of confidence here and their; the problem is; they are useless; they have no use to me; all I can do is attempt a few conversations and walk away; they are on a different wave link then me; I mean; they are the farthest type person that should be associating with me; they are the complete opposite of me.... so; I mean; getting a few practice conversations is good; they won't be around for long and their nothing to talk about with them; we have absolutely nothing in common. but its good to practice tho....
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Most if not all the women bolted from me; left me; non of them stayed around to even consider the beginning of a relationship of any kind. I was discarded and ghosted or played while they secretly started seeing other guys...  but Ive mentioned they were not girlfriend type people; they were opportunists looking to move up the ladder; I found them; I'm not sure how; they were around so I thought; I will attempt a few practice moments with them; why not; ive got nothing else to loose and I did and it was a good thing; I gained a little more experience....
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Ive spent most of my time viewing these women; hardly ever interacting with them; and the rest avoiding them or ignoring them because they were not interested in the real me; I just shut down and went away. but I mentioned they were not girlfriend material; non of them; they were passing through in a away; looking for something much better and more confident then me. In fact; they were never looking for me or at me; but they made good practice material to try simple attempts at interaction; and for that I am grateful... They were complete strangers; I mean; not really my friends. I might talk to them and put out my hand and say be my friend; but I was practicing; it was never taken seriously; they never invited me home for a milk shake. I wasn't their real friend; we were strangers and I rarely talked to them; maybe a few times and that was all; they were not what I was looking for and they were never sent by God to be my girlfriend; God had not sent her yet.. Most these women im talking about here were just around; so I took the initiative and talked to them for social practice. They were never anyone to take seriously or you would get emotionally ran over....they were looking for men way up on the latter... Not even my business... from these women I was simply looking for conversation to proctice a few times.
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I continue to learn when the opportunity presents itself. I mean; ive almost had a chance to date someone; but I dont know; I could have asked them out; but I dont know. In fact; this last one always had some kind of man in waiting or problem in waiting or something that made it impossible to get any closer; something like that; kind of. murky. I was able to gain more interactive experience with her then ive had before at that level; and for someone with dissociative disorder who would have never dated or had a girlfriend ever again; this is great. Would this girl have really been my girlfriend; was she really into me; I dont know. I mean; was she just playing here or seriously saw me as a boyfriend; I dont know; theirs a good chance this was not true; that she would never have dated me or ever saw me as a boyfriend; and its all in my imagination... I will never know Because I never trusted her enough to ever get close enough to find out.... I dont have the confidence for it anyway.... actually in the end she ends up an opportunity to talk to someone; and that may have been her only interest in me as she was passing through. She was nice to me and I should not let that go to my head. I meant nothing to her; she was one more stranger passing through.. I dreamed about her a little but isn't that ok. But I did practice social with her a few times; I got to do that and that helps build experiences; one conversation here and one their and I start to build confidence talking to strangers again. Im really scared of being judged.
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And I want to say this is great; all the interactions ive had because they build up my experience with women; something I thought I would never happen again. will I ever have a girlfriend again; I dont know; thats up to God and up to me; how bad do I want it; am I willing to go to the places where the kinds of women are that I would want to date/. that takes courage that is beyond me... I can see my dissociative disorder going off and CPTsd getting triggered to the point I go into freeze mode thinking about it.
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Im scared of women because I know what they can do; how they can betray you.... and who wants to go through more of that... its hard to ignore. Who wants to be around people that hate you; ive been around the wrong women. I would like to be around the right women'. and I think that might be possible if I can stand working through the wrong ones until God sends me the right one.
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The point is; im disabled emotionally and any interaction is good practice for me. As I said; the women get this kind of pretentious attitude that they can do much better then to be with someone with the problems I have and they leave looking and expecting something much better; but I am grateful for the crumbs I receive; its better then nothing because in all likely hood I would have had nothing and I had nothing for many many years. and you add up all those random crumbs and it adds up to experience. And through experience Im gaining confidence; confidence to have a female friend that I find attractive and would turn into something more.
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ive studied success based thinking material and relearned to go after what I want. learning how to set goals and take chances. at some levels; and its paying off; ive had specific results. its hard tho...
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As for women; I continue to learn how to say hello and once in a while sit down with a women in a group I attend and talk; its good practice.... As for dating a nice girl; God will send her to me when im ready I guess; so being inline with God is whats important.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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