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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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I have to become a different kind of person if I want to date

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 03, 2019 4:34 am

I have to become a different kind of person if Im going to date. Im looking for or a specific kind of girl; meaning women!
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I am slowly beginning to get it; a kind of personal independence. Im feeling it! Im on my own again with Gods help. but Im free or on my own again! its up to me. its not all up to me; not yet; Im not alone alone free; not yet; thats to much alone.
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Im getting my independence; but Im working with God and not alone! Im not alone; I have a guidance system hooked up to the universe; so Im not alone; in fact; Im hooked in!

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Who am I and what do I want and where do I want to go; I want to go down my path; that is what I want!
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Im 56 years old; a senior; that happens when I turn 55. No big deal; doesn't mean anything to me accept Im older and I can die. More importantly, my life span these days is about 80 years old; and when I get their the life span will be 85 years old; but; still; what ill I look like?. dam! Its means I still have time; thats what it means; time to change everything around; and its happening.
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Im already loosing my teeth; have lost 7 of them; getting a partial for my lower back teeth!
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Anyway; Things are looking up; I just have to keep at it; stick to it; keep working at stuff!
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Im doing much better around people. Im proud of myself; Im getting stronger more independent as things are; its my journey; I dont need anyone coming back from the past these days to lead me to it or down it; Im being led by the universe through my guidance system.
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Im getting me back. part of me.
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Im becoming present again; this is not easy; Ive come from a background like a war, where I was torn to pieces and thrown away; ripped apart because of trauma. I went completely dissociative and did not remember myself. Everything was shut down into a state of violent lightening strikes of internal spark or energy or emotion; deep lightening strikes that would involuntarily strike when triggered by un- controllable thoughts. And outside experiences.
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I have to work through the edge; the edge of the remembered war I walked through over n over n over from my past: A murdered past. Organized murder; thats what happened; like the guys of WW1. Like being of WW1; something to do with WW1; Im trying to say something? Something fits; Not sure; possibly the warnings of life when I think of WW1; being slaughtered; thats what Im thinking of; being slaughtered; over n over n over.
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Im understanding that theirs a path for me. Im attracting it by my energy and my thoughts. Ive learned that its looking for me as Im looking for it. The universe is getting me better. The universe is making me well'r. The universe has to prepare me for my path; is preparing me for my path. that I see it, because Ive told the universe to do so. I want my path; Im searching for it; to see it; therefore, the universe must create a more whole present person within me that I can see this path. Because C-PTSD, and dissociative disorder, its hard for me to see anything or feel anything other then the thoughts of my past. The present is hard. So; I must work with the universe for new paths to show themselves at different places. I keep working with the universe to come fourth; much like Lazareth from the Bible. Its working; its scary.
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As for women; not sure accept one thing; As I come fourth; I am me again in the flesh present. And from being that new person or the real " Me" identity; then I can meet people. Im still 2 sick and not attracting who I am from within me! for what I attract is attracted to me and finding me. Im not sure the inner me is trying to attract anyone. The only thing Im trying to attract is guitars and freedom and security. As for women. Not yet. However, I know its what I want; their are conditions; I have to be the person I always wanted to be when I meet the women I always wanted to meet.
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Women = fear. And I want to over come this fear; real bad. really really bad; and come to the present and have a life and have camp outs and have fun.
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Ive blamed women on this; not meeting the right person. However, if Im sending out signals of attraction and I hit her frequency; she will show up. Ive attracted several things in my life. Ive attracted all the wrong women; so I know what Im talking about. Ive had a hard time attracting the right women because I did not feel right about myself nor deserving of the right women. I did not " let go" inside myself. I got what I was thinking about and feeling; I was thinking about the wrong women and attracted the wrong women and then I blocked attracting the wrong women and never got them because I thought it was wrong; the truth is; I wanted the wrong women to have sex with them; dam; I got to fix some of my thinking and stop hatting attracting wrong women. I could have had so much fun. I still can! However, for note; the biggest plague of WW1 was not death; but VD. Ha ah!
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Im mad as hell; the time period for me to learn and grow was destroyed. Im mad as hell about it. It would have been a beautiful thing. Im mad as hell. I see psychopaths in my mind and feel them in my body and my presence; in my intimacy; Im mad as hell; how did they get their. I was forced through fear to let them in; to open that door of my intimacy. Im now seeing them as ghosts of Christmas past; and would like to leave them their. Im mad as hell as I try to push them down the trap door in my mind and get them out of my life.
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IT seems that women are the red shiny fruit punch of my eye. The shiny red fresh crips Apple of my eye. And it seems they are always something to fear; and to far away for me to grasp. As if their to good for me to eat. Its all a game; regardless of who is sent to me. Im bashful and shy, and the women that are sent to me eat men like me....... Its no fun. Im not a weakling; Im not suggesting the eat me because Im not masculine enough to fend them off; the sad part is that I have attracted women that I have to fend off; where are the women that I dont have to push away; thats the lonely part of everything. Where are the right women for me.
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Im the kind of guy that wants a women who likes telescopes and looking at at the moon.
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Im in a kind of war with women; a hate war. And I would rather fight this hate war; its a war of protection. Im trying to protect myself from fear; from the wrong " them". Its a hate war; Better yet; a fear war. its fear. I do not want to be attracted anymore. Their attack is vicious and with intent and so is mine; I don't want anymore attacks against me from any direction. ITs sickening; and their sickening; those who do such things and I don't want them around me anymore; I don't want women around me; I want to be around decent people. I want to be around decent women; I want to be around sexy women; I want to sleep with all women; Im mad at my coward ess to sleep with all women; thats what I really want; I want that moment when I could shy away or cowar-out; I want; at that moment to charm them and bring them to my home; hahahahahah! thats what I want!
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I want to be around decent female humans. Im obviously describing a difference between women that are not safe and those that are. Im describing women that I can ____? in and manipulate vs those I cant. I want to be the man and masculine and in control. I don't want a women that would want anything different from a man; as I don't want anything else from a women accept someone that acts like a women; a women that knows how to act around a man. I want a women that wants me; the right ones
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Women and my age; Im noticing............ Its causing me to be intimidated and scared that women dont want me anymore; but they do want me; theyve always wanted me; so; thats not the problem. the problem is that moment where I man up and be present and take control and ask them out and take them home and make love to them and then ____________? And then Im taken into hell.
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Anyway; I have to be not so scared; and this is going to take work; lots of work for me to become open and stand tall and strong in the face of these women. but its not about the women at this point; my standing tall. its about the wars of my past; knowing the evil thoughts are in the past and not of the present. I have to be strong in the present; manipulate the present, be in the present, dodge within the present; bob n weave within the present. be confident in the present. Im learning; and I have to open up and open up with others; network; sales, sell myself; practice like being in the present; being independent .
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I know where Im going; and I know what Im trying to attract, but Im not their yet; not in the present yet; so how Can I attract it. Attract any of it!
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Attraction; I use meditations for manifestation. Im learning about attraction and being alone; but being alone is not alone. Im more in tune with the universe. And it is such a person I want to meet; like me.
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Feminists; Here is the problem; those little lying flash balls of discontent. Feminists I do not want to meet. Or, Im not interested in meeting someone that likes to hurt people or manipulate people for the purpose of hurting people with great underhanded damage; and thats what feminism is all about; They are predators with a philosophy destroying innocent people; and that is all thy are about; they are brainwashed from their mentors; the psychopaths running the country, the corporations and the deep state. ITs 2 bad their blind! or blinded. Im mad because their suppose to be my women and Im the one who is suppose to manipulate them; by the deep state showing its charmed them; it means they own them through charm and the regular guy does not have a chance.
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Ive heard that women were mad that men left them; and thats what caused women to go their own way. the truth is; A lot of the men they were dating were lost people in dire need of help from women; if women would have helped them; been helpers; those men would have been restored and good men to be fathers for them; and men were yelling this out over n over n over; but women would not listen; they shut their ears to the truth because they would have to play a subordinate roll of helper and many other things.

Women like to date sociopaths within any group or sociopathic bad boys from the jails; men who collect baby mama's. These were never real men or real anything; they are monsters with false masks pretending to be human beings. Women dated them because they would be un judgmental and charming; never expecting anything from women. However, alas; real men always expect decency from women; Im not talking about sex; Im talking about facing the truth and dealing with it. Real good men are not free; and women are lazy and did not want to put out the work to get or keep a good man; their 2 lazy; they wanted something for nothing and thats what they got.

These sociopaths/psychopaths; These type of creatures charm everyone they meet; they charm women; and all the women want to sleep with them once for status with their girl friends. These women who sleep with such people or have relationships with such people are seeking status within their girl groups. These women who have babies by such men are seeking status within their girl groups and unfortunately actually believe theyve created a family with a this man psychopath, In reality, theyve created a nightmare with a monster. For when the child is born, these monsters will never return for any reason other then another couch to sleep on after they get out of jail one more time; they do not care about children; why would a psychopathic monsters care about children? And Ive known women to be in the dark about things and look at this emotionally; incredible; Ive literally yelled at women, argued with them about this; and they refuse to see the truth. The man they were with did not find them hot; He was actually a psychopath;
he was simply using them for one more meal or bed or sex or drug money or a place to stay out of jail. ITs all so simple. These women were never hot; who they wanted to be in the eyes of their girl groups; these women never had any status and could never earn it; and thats a good thing; they had no business being in these type of girl groups in the first place. Women judge their worth by their status. And these women attract these predators into their lives, so a women can feel she is one of the important women in the group; or at least has a man. If they cant manipulate a man into things; he's not worth their time because he cant be manipulated; because these women want him as a prize to show off to their girlfriends. No real man plays these games; sociopaths will play these games; they will allow a women to think theyve captured him for ever; if he can keep this false perception and continue to receive the goods for his real ambitions.
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Anyway. back to the story; I have to become who I want to attract; and Im actually getting their. I have a hard wall to break through; Im doing it; However, I cant do it all at once or Ill be ruptured traumatically.
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On being ruptured; I have to learn that I cant hang out at places that are unsafe. I have to let them go; even if I wanted success at these places; I must try something else.
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So; my fight is not with women or meeting someone; its meeting myself; thats what I have to do; when I can do that and feel good about myself and not bring the past monsters with me; but be done with them so I dont meet them again; then I can reconnect with myself. The problem is; I dont know that I have the strength to do this; be this energy person again. I dont know that I can be that person again out in space, in the world again. Im 2 scared of what I see in my mind; the horror and ptsd. I dont want to go through it again or bring it up again; the things that happened to me; its really horrible, all the ptsd that is brought up when I try to connect with myself; However, Im learning to tuff it out because Im older; and that is important; Ive gotten better. Ive had pTSd for most of my life. Dissociative disorder as for back as the beginning of my life; a life of trauma and defensiveness of one sort or another. And horrible complete losses; an act of torture upon a small child. ...... A life created to take hope away from me.
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I have to keep working for hope. And hope comes from God and the universe. Its a friendly universe and I have to keep working toward this until I believe it.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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