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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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I have CPTSD

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm

I have CPTSD; I forget sometimes why life is so hard; why its so hard to come out of protect mode into reconnect mode. The child in me does not want to reconnect with a world full of sociopaths. Im try protect to save my life; the last thing I want is reconnect to an uncaring world.
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The best protection I could come up with is money. Be rich; that way Im way above the masses and I don't answer to anyone. buT that never happened. Instead I protect myself right into a corner and cocoon I never came out of. '
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So; Im learning how to connect where Im at; and that is scary; but I realize; its going to be scary no matter where I go.
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When I allow the connection process to occur; I don't seem to have an immediate maturity to go with it; Instead; its like Im 3 years old. And need a mother and father to take my hand and guide me along; if not; Ill go into freeze mode and get nothing out of the experience.
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Needing that feeling of support for taking chances for who I am
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I want to be taken seriously, taken care of thinking Im privileged and make the bad world go away. I worth it. I want world with no trauma . I want protection and decency.
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I know I can write stories of what I want; thats where the breakes come from. I see the child in me writing these stories. Thats where Im going to see the changes.I have to see the changes in my mind first. I write the new stories of my life; i visualize those stories, then I become comfortable with the visuals of those stories.

The biggest problem I have is my thoughts and the critical voice when Im trying to reconnect to the world.
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Where do I start; what is the starting point; thats what Im looking for; a goal or direction; the right one. I always have this feeling; its to late; but its not; not if I believe in something. thats what Im looking for; what I believe in.
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Ive spent my life not believing because I looked for the corruption in everything and found it; and said not it;. the problem is; what Im I suppose to do with my life? make pictures; I don't know.
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Im so sick of being a person that cant protect himself; that is at the mercy of others; I don't like it; I feel like Im going in directions to get relief from having to go in other directions, and thats all life is; Im not motived for that. Where or what am I suppose to do or be.
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I suppose the past and hanging on to it is part of the problems; but I hang on because Im a decent person that wants proper resolution of the past; something with dignity.
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I want to live in a world of dignity not shame.
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I hate having to put all my personal stuff out on the table for everyone too see it; but I dont have the only or personal power in life to hide. Im not in a direction and I dont know how to get into one.
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It seems what I want is way out their; to far away; whats the use..
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The things I want; theirs way to big a gap.
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So; Im not sure what to do; I give up; but Im still on planet earth...
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So; I have a negative view of ever having success at anything; and its the negative view Im trying to change; possibly I haven't been honest about it; how I really feel; so; I might need to write some blocks about failure and how it feels and how to feel it and grieve it and work through it; get it out of my system; the anger and fear and hostility and move on; Im caught; a snag or thorn in the side; something buried so deep I cant get it out; its dissociated and causes to much pain...
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Something is stopping me from becoming the real me; that critical voice is stopping me; I have token working at it. It gets depressing working on the critical voice. It gets depressing when trying to pick a direction; and all directions have the same bullies down the pathway. IT sucks; I dont want to move through any of this; I just want a safe journey.
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I dont know how to stand up for myself because I dont know why Im standing up for myself. I dont know why.
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If it felt right; I would go down the right direction; but nothing feels right because its not at the right frequency. I have to admit; I want higher level things; and Ill have to go after higher level things if Im going to be happy; and this hurts and scares me; theirs a gap between where Im at and where I want to be

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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