Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1082)
- September 2020
CPTsd; Im starting to understand a need for a cure
   Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:06 am
Pure evil
   Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:09 pm
changing my attitude about people
   Tue Sep 08, 2020 12:27 am
Third level; hard earned.
   Mon Sep 07, 2020 1:11 am
Im finally starting to figure somethings out
   Thu Sep 03, 2020 10:26 am

+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

I have CPTSD

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm

I have CPTSD; I forget sometimes why life is so hard; why its so hard to come out of protect mode into reconnect mode. The child in me does not want to reconnect with a world full of sociopaths. Im try protect to save my life; the last thing I want is reconnect to an uncaring world.
The best protection I could come up with is money. Be rich; that way Im way above the masses and I don't answer to anyone. buT that never happened. Instead I protect myself right into a corner and cocoon I never came out of. '
So; Im learning how to connect where Im at; and that is scary; but I realize; its going to be scary no matter where I go.
When I allow the connection process to occur; I don't seem to have an immediate maturity to go with it; Instead; its like Im 3 years old. And need a mother and father to take my hand and guide me along; if not; Ill go into freeze mode and get nothing out of the experience.
Needing that feeling of support for taking chances for who I am
I want to be taken seriously, taken care of thinking Im privileged and make the bad world go away. I worth it. I want world with no trauma . I want protection and decency.
I know I can write stories of what I want; thats where the breakes come from. I see the child in me writing these stories. Thats where Im going to see the changes.I have to see the changes in my mind first. I write the new stories of my life; i visualize those stories, then I become comfortable with the visuals of those stories.

The biggest problem I have is my thoughts and the critical voice when Im trying to reconnect to the world.
Where do I start; what is the starting point; thats what Im looking for; a goal or direction; the right one. I always have this feeling; its to late; but its not; not if I believe in something. thats what Im looking for; what I believe in.
Ive spent my life not believing because I looked for the corruption in everything and found it; and said not it;. the problem is; what Im I suppose to do with my life? make pictures; I don't know.
Im so sick of being a person that cant protect himself; that is at the mercy of others; I don't like it; I feel like Im going in directions to get relief from having to go in other directions, and thats all life is; Im not motived for that. Where or what am I suppose to do or be.
I suppose the past and hanging on to it is part of the problems; but I hang on because Im a decent person that wants proper resolution of the past; something with dignity.
I want to live in a world of dignity not shame.
I hate having to put all my personal stuff out on the table for everyone too see it; but I dont have the only or personal power in life to hide. Im not in a direction and I dont know how to get into one.
It seems what I want is way out their; to far away; whats the use..
The things I want; theirs way to big a gap.
So; Im not sure what to do; I give up; but Im still on planet earth...
So; I have a negative view of ever having success at anything; and its the negative view Im trying to change; possibly I haven't been honest about it; how I really feel; so; I might need to write some blocks about failure and how it feels and how to feel it and grieve it and work through it; get it out of my system; the anger and fear and hostility and move on; Im caught; a snag or thorn in the side; something buried so deep I cant get it out; its dissociated and causes to much pain...
Something is stopping me from becoming the real me; that critical voice is stopping me; I have token working at it. It gets depressing working on the critical voice. It gets depressing when trying to pick a direction; and all directions have the same bullies down the pathway. IT sucks; I dont want to move through any of this; I just want a safe journey.
I dont know how to stand up for myself because I dont know why Im standing up for myself. I dont know why.
If it felt right; I would go down the right direction; but nothing feels right because its not at the right frequency. I have to admit; I want higher level things; and Ill have to go after higher level things if Im going to be happy; and this hurts and scares me; theirs a gap between where Im at and where I want to be

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 1154 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Grassweeds, heracles, Majestic-12 [Bot], TCprild, TeddyBear the helper