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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1021)
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Im still to young
   Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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i have alot more to talk about

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat May 18, 2019 11:49 pm

Ive been in the twilight zone alone since small childhood; Ive never had one person ask or care who I am; nobody; noth’n; could they have cared; yes; easily. They don't care. And those are not my kind of people; but Ive been alone so ill take what I can get then be alone for ever. Ive all ready been thrown away from life so many times; I did not want it anymore. And it still happens today; but Im older and better; and old; Im starting on the down hill climb to the grave one might say.
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Im alone; but; Im working with the universe for help. Whats shocking me; my fantasy bond has allowed me to think I had at least something in this life; nothing; no one. ever! No one cared ever anywhere accept the old tv shows I watched as a kid; that was all.
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Im waking up! Its interesting; Im waking up from dissociative disorder. Im not sure what to think. The only reason I have any economics is because I put myself on social security disability; it had nothing to do with anyone; no one helped me; I did it all myself; I mean; I had a lawyer but; I was all alone. No one ever took care of me; no one cared if they ever saw me again; I never knew; I know now. I had no friends. unbelievable. Im the nicest person you have ever met; the most sensitive decent person you have never met; means nothing to the world; nothing. no one cares. My value as a human being has met nothing; and no one knew me regardless; regardless of how long I spent time around them because they were using me for something.
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Half or three quarters of the world has spit in my face; the world Ive known or been round; I was thrown out or gotten rid of because Im a nice person. Its all backwards.
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Now; Im starting to wake up in a strange way; Its not a bad wake up; just a wake up of being alone.
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No women in my life; nothing; regardless of my value or attractiveness to women. makes no sense; no of this. Nothing makes any sense. completely alone.
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I need to wake up more; keep waking up and leave this place; this area Im in. Im growing out of it; How I leave will be up to the universe. Where I go or how; up to the universe; it all has to do with knowing people so Im not alone; Ive been alone all my life and it seems like thats the natural way of things; alone? makes absolutely no sense to me. How can I be of no value to everyone for ever.
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Ive had no one connect with me; nothing.
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i don't know how to connect with people who have more money then me; I don't know how.
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I'm working with the universe for a life. Im working to eliminate the anger and hostility of my past and to learn to see things positive; I'm learning the process.
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No family from the past; nothing. i ended up with a few brothers who were never brothers but my enemies but I did not know. I never knew. I did not know.
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no one is interested in my story; in general; However, working the laws of attraction; we will see.
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Ive spent time around the wrong people out of loneliness; hopefully God will help change this a bit. Ive been around spoiled stuck up people that I did not kiss up to; so Im hated for it. Im of no value because I will not look up to these people; I refuse and will never look up to them ever.
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The next goal is to get better; get more solid.
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I was a complete invalid because of the breakdowns from reality; I could not physically pay my own rent; some one else had to go outside to do so. and those helping me; all of them; no one understood or cared. Nothing; because they never asked because they didn't have to; I remember one lady calling me lazy and worthless; when I was at the nut house. Why? because I was sincere. I was decent honest and real. I did not kiss up to her or her way of life; I was a real person and she was lazy and dishonest and fake; and having me around her brought it out; the contrast brought out what she was really like; what most are like. I refused to be part of her club, her gang; I didnt need to be. I didnt need to fit in with her.
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Im of a higher order; and I dont know where that sensitive place is.
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Im hoping to keep working on getting better and leaving; I dont know what the word leaving means; Im not sure. Ive had very little money; so; its up to God to supply what ever the next phase of my life is; the next place or purpose. Its not here.
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Im trying to loose weight; I will loose it but its so hard that Im older; Ill do it; but its a grown up lessen.
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The problem with moving is money; I dont know where I fit in. and Im not suggesting Im going anywhere; I dont know what the next phase of my life looks like; hopefully better then the last; Ive spent a third of my life in 12 step groups. And its done what it was suppose to do; and Im actually much better; can I be on my own; I dont know. But im better.
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However, after reading sites or groups with CPTSD online; ; Im one of the lucky ones as Ive gotten better. most of what I read; the posts; most people are lost and wanting to die. and I completely understand the pain of long term PTSD. I know; I was that way for years; Im still warped and messed up. but Im lucky.
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Anyway; I hate having value and being shelved as if Im nothing by society. So; I have to work with the universe to align with the universe to the next level of where Im suppose to be or what Im suppose to do.
I refuse to work with average people; I wont do it anymore. Im talking about the retarded ones; who dont care about anyone else.
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Im not sure about what Im suppose to do. I was never able to do anything with my potential; it never felt safe to do anything with my abilities. I had no safe palace to produce; again; its all about money. And everywhere I go; I feel alone. I end up alone.
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Im slowly learning about money; money consciousness. Will it matter at my age now; I dont know. We will see.
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I will have much more to talk about as I get older and stronger I think. Im working on getting another life; a life of value; Ill continue to post blogs as I work through it.
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Am I happy; no! I doubt thats the word for it; I dont have enough money yet or security to feel happy; we will see; its all about the change of thoughts; its all about how I think; the thoughts going through my head.
Its about being around others that are like minded and respect me for who I am; its never happened.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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