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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1029)
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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I have a hidden agenda

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Nov 24, 2018 1:04 pm

In the recovery process; its been about getting better; and getting personal power back in my life; that is happening! I have a friendly universe I turn to and work with for success!
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The people around me are small town people; dont know me; have no idea what my agenda is and dont care; they see me as a weakling; perfect! could not ask for anything better; its kept me incognito.
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Im now getting better aquatinted with the universe! Im trusting more and seeing more results! My ability to trust the process of success with the universe is increasing!
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Ive put up with allot; but I have to be careful! the people Im around are stupid naive and immature! This is not good; not to reveal to much about myself!
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Im simply trying to go home! I did not have a home when young; it was all exploitation! Im now working with the universe to have a home; first i have to feel like Im already living in a home; feeling safe and secure! ITs working slowly!
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Im learning how to manifest my dreams and my life! I say this literally! like a magic man or magician! Im learning how to garner the powers of the universe and use them against me! I mean; for me! Things are not perfect yet; Im still angry and still taking things out on myself!
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Because Ive had a higher agenda; Ive no had to many relationships of any value; Ive stayed to myself; Ive had many offers; but was not interested; I had more of a concerning to get better and get out of the situations I found myself in; regardless of the recovery rooms or other places; Ive felt like a fish-out-of -water in this place; this town; with these people; they are not my people! Im in a foreign place! Friendly at first; later; not so friendly! IT becomes controlling; the small minded small town people want to take you over; waist of time!
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I stay in my own world and dont let others know what Im doing here! ITs mostly about therapy! nothing else; However, its appeared to be other things!
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Im slowly digging myself out of the endless caves I found myself in; and I was lost in those caves for a long long time! I wanted to be lost and never come out alive! Now; I have the tools to come out of those caves!
Is it worth it; its been a long long time coming; is it worth the work to get better; Yes; its worth i!
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I have one goal; Im in the season for one thing now; plant specific goals within my mind; hold on to them; study them all day long; getting better at focusing on whats in my mind and not whats outside my mind; distractions! The goal; remind myself of my goals every minutes of the day until it becomes a normal way of life; concentrating on my goals; I continue until I see thoughts turn into things! The goal is to hang on regardless of whats going on in the outside world or in my head that distracts me from my goals; the goal is to hang on to my goals focus on them within the center of my mind! Stay steady! Keep at it; keep it up until they appear into the real world!
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When younger; this is all I wanted; I wanted a safe place to build my internal goals! Now I have that process; its a challenge; However, the universe has proven its a safe place for me; Now; I must move forward through my limited beliefs and go beyond the hurt throbbing walls of my childhood; where I dropped dead from over exposure of neglect!
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I have to opportunity now; Im attempting to hang on and learn how to make this happen; It will take a long time; meaning; Im hanging on to my goals for the long run; I want to see them turn into reality in front of me; This requires that I hang on to my goals and work on them everyday regardless of how I feel for that day; some days I believe and some days I dont; some days I want to take a chance and some days I dont; I have to keep at it regardless of how I feel or the back drop of negative thoughts that attack me; thoughts of neglect and desolation! And if I keep at this; Ill make it!
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Bottle-necks!
I have this place of dissociation; its that place that people give up; collapse and go back to self death or self defeat or drinking or what ever; I have to go through that place where the child had no choice but to give up when young; I have to go through that; hang on through that storm an make it to the other side; like seeing a tsunami coming; hanging on through the storm as it hits the beaches and resort hotels; hang on; make it through and watch the water reseed back to the earth for which it came; back until dry land is once again! Im now calling upon those things in the ocean that will esteem me; by doing this; I also call the storm that hinders me; so; the test is coming!
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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