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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/i_have_a_better_understanding_b-12709_sid-ae1fcbc4fa04e50a9d0ece71a92fa3a9.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:04 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | I have a better understanding |
I'm understanding CPTSD a bit more, and I have hope; Im working more on the deeper angles of dissociation and what causes it; and Im getting better; Ive got a long away to go. . I remember many many bullies at every turn controlling me and stoping me physically from moving foward; I had them at school, in local establishments or at work places or in the homes I lived in ; or the false friends; that were never my friends. or the false naighborhoods that were never really my neighborhoods or the false home town. I never came from any town; it was a lie; it was a lied life; a fake fabrication shoved down my throat through the intention of abuse by those controlling me and abusing me; how they specificly set out to use me. . Allot of minority groups have gone through what I've gone through, and they've complained about it for years. . I'm getting better; I'm starting to see models of CPTSD on paper; the dysfunction of CPTSD; the child-adult, ego, parent relationships; I was a freaked out child; I was told I was wanted, then hated when I approached; I was double standar'd all the time; and soon, I was in a state of confused straitjacket'ism. Or, I thought I was wanted and when I approached; I was reproached or hated on; in confusion, I realized back; not understanding. And this went on n on n on forever. Later; I will understand. by then; it will be too late and will be full of CPTSD and quite insane and damaged. . My mind was blown apart; plowed into pieces; . I'm now asking questions; how could I have done things differently when younger against the bullies; I'm allowing the universe to show me new ways of survival at the time. I'm getting some answers; altho, I'm not sure how I would have jumped ship at a young age, found new support and understood the uses for that new support; However, that's not why I was asking the universe for help. I wanted to see relief in my head from the abusers and bullies that physically controlled me on the school's grounds; this continued until I was 18 years old. And later in college, it continued; I'm not sure how or why I was attracting some bullies that physically assaulted me; at a later date; beyond 18, but I did; left me in a state of bleak hopeless exposer. . Things are different now. . I don't like the answers the universe is giving me; for protecting myself when young; the answer was not violence; My situation was a much bigger conceptual arena. I needed new friends and substitute families; kids I could walk to school with; band together that bullies would not bother with. How could this be; or be done? I have no idea; the universe would have had to supply them, but it didn't; not when I was young. ITs a start; the answers to my questions. I needed protection; I had nothing and never knew. . After I was thrown away; I was bullied by school systems; thrown away and neglected by school systems; character assassinated by school systems; made into a worthless bad person by school systems; made into a trouble maker. I was not a trouble maker; nor was my identity stir into suggesting twisted evil agreements. I know who I am; it didn't work; the sadness of a school system trying to destroy me is the problem. In reality; many of those were narcissists or sociopaths working for the school systems. . When forced to move to new cities; I had to attend new schools; horrible schools. I was bullied or attacked or confronted by bullies the first day at school; controlled. . I'm now dealing with triggered brutal violent flashbacks coming through my system; there is hope; I'm getting flashbacks because I'm confronting the past; this is good. I will continue to get better and learn to face this stuff; I believe all of this concerns my parents and how i was treated schizophrenically; I never had a chance in hell of survival; I wish I had known this; no psychopath in the world is going to let me in on it; they wanted to eat me alive; torture me in various ways legally and dump me; and they did. I had no idea of this, and the intent on the damage of my young life; I did not know the world was out to destroy me; I did not know the very household I was living was out to kill me; I did not know. However, looking back; the signs are blatant for any adult to discover; unfortunately, I was just a sensitive innocent brilliant smart boy who never had a change in hell. |
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