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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (957)
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- July 2019
Things continue to change
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:53 pm
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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I have a better understanding

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:04 pm

I'm understanding CPTSD a bit more, and I have hope; Im working more on the deeper angles of dissociation and what causes it; and Im getting better; Ive got a long away to go.
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I remember many many bullies at every turn controlling me and stoping me physically from moving foward; I had them at school, in local establishments or at work places or in the homes I lived in ; or the false friends; that were never my friends. or the false naighborhoods that were never really my neighborhoods or the false home town. I never came from any town; it was a lie; it was a lied life; a fake fabrication shoved down my throat through the intention of abuse by those controlling me and abusing me; how they specificly set out to use me.
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Allot of minority groups have gone through what I've gone through, and they've complained about it for years.
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I'm getting better; I'm starting to see models of CPTSD on paper; the dysfunction of CPTSD; the child-adult, ego, parent relationships; I was a freaked out child; I was told I was wanted, then hated when I approached; I was double standar'd all the time; and soon, I was in a state of confused straitjacket'ism.
Or, I thought I was wanted and when I approached; I was reproached or hated on; in confusion, I realized back; not understanding. And this went on n on n on forever. Later; I will understand. by then; it will be too late and will be full of CPTSD and quite insane and damaged.
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My mind was blown apart; plowed into pieces;
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I'm now asking questions; how could I have done things differently when younger against the bullies; I'm allowing the universe to show me new ways of survival at the time. I'm getting some answers; altho, I'm not sure how I would have jumped ship at a young age, found new support and understood the uses for that new support; However, that's not why I was asking the universe for help. I wanted to see relief in my head from the abusers and bullies that physically controlled me on the school's grounds; this continued until I was 18 years old. And later in college, it continued; I'm not sure how or why I was attracting some bullies that physically assaulted me; at a later date; beyond 18, but I did; left me in a state of bleak hopeless exposer.
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Things are different now.
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I don't like the answers the universe is giving me; for protecting myself when young; the answer was not violence; My situation was a much bigger conceptual arena. I needed new friends and substitute families; kids I could walk to school with; band together that bullies would not bother with. How could this be; or be done? I have no idea; the universe would have had to supply them, but it didn't; not when I was young. ITs a start; the answers to my questions. I needed protection; I had nothing and never knew.
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After I was thrown away; I was bullied by school systems; thrown away and neglected by school systems; character assassinated by school systems; made into a worthless bad person by school systems; made into a trouble maker. I was not a trouble maker; nor was my identity stir into suggesting twisted evil agreements. I know who I am; it didn't work; the sadness of a school system trying to destroy me is the problem. In reality; many of those were narcissists or sociopaths working for the school systems.
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When forced to move to new cities; I had to attend new schools; horrible schools. I was bullied or attacked or confronted by bullies the first day at school; controlled.
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I'm now dealing with triggered brutal violent flashbacks coming through my system; there is hope; I'm getting flashbacks because I'm confronting the past; this is good. I will continue to get better and learn to face this stuff; I believe all of this concerns my parents and how i was treated schizophrenically; I never had a chance in hell of survival; I wish I had known this; no psychopath in the world is going to let me in on it; they wanted to eat me alive; torture me in various ways legally and dump me; and they did. I had no idea of this, and the intent on the damage of my young life; I did not know the world was out to destroy me; I did not know the very household I was living was out to kill me; I did not know. However, looking back; the signs are blatant for any adult to discover; unfortunately, I was just a sensitive innocent brilliant smart boy who never had a change in hell.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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